Sitting here wondering what the fuck I can do?

[Duabab]

I’ve NC as don’t want this linked to other posts. I’m usually a happy person.

I’m 36 next year (June). I’ve been single a couple of years and before that I have had relationships, lived with two people, had a miscarriage with one which was horrendous although early ( took me a long time to get over that relationship as I thought we were it and would marry etc). I’ve done loads of online dating. I’ve dated people I wouldn’t usually, I’ve been open minded and then on the flip side I’ve been more narrow with criteria. I’ve stopped dating and focused on my career and home. I’ve joined soooo many clubs and volunteered. Obviously they’ve stopped now with Covid but I’ve really gone out of my way to get involved in things. I’ve travelled. Ive probably turned down people I could have had relationships with but when I didn’t feel anything for them after a good few weeks of a lot of dates and phone calls. I’m also in therapy just in case that’s the problem.

For whatever reason I sit here at nearly 36, alone. I do not want a family alone, it isn’t for me. Maybe it’s just bad luck? I don’t know. The last few people I’ve been speaking to online have been strange..one messaged me asking me how my week was and I said it had been good thank you, id had a lazy morning with a lie in as I’d had the morning off. He replied saying ‘oh I like that you’ve text me from your bed ;)’ I’m not a prude but we’ve never met? I’m just sick of it.

I know there’s probably no magic answer here and maybe my post is pointless as it won’t make it any better. I guess I’m just fed up now and so worried as I literally can’t even begin to imagine anymore how it would feel to love someone or be loved. I don’t believe it is realistic :(

It's hard isn't it, and this time of year makes it worse. Theres nothing wrong with you, you've done all the right things and put the effort in.
It's so easy for people to say immerse yourself in hobbies,be happy in your own etc, but we all need to feel like we are someone priority and loved.
I have no advice, as I have in the past stayed in relationships which were going nowhere and downright toxic, just to say I was with somebody. (You've done the right thing in keeping your boundaries ) I've still ended up alone after doing all the right things to meet people.
I wish I had the answer, but there have been quite a few posts on here with similar experience, you are not the only one.

Have you read 'Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough' by Lori Gottlieb? I've heard it's quite good.

Are you waiting for a head over heels soulmate kinda deal? I don't have much experience with this as far as relationships go because I met DH at uni, but I know a lot of people bang on about how you'll know you've found the right house when you see it and it'll feel like home etc etc. I viewed over 20 houses and just never got that feeling, but I did need somewhere to live so ended up just making a criteria list, selecting some basic non-negotiables and some nice-to-haves, seeing where I could compromise and picking one that met most of the criteria. Do you think you're holding out for the dream house when it might take too long to find it, or even not be on the market right now, if you'll ignore the clumsy metaphor?