OH still works with AP

[1977jjaann]

Struggling. Marriage has not been great for number of years. IMO, OH always had 2 lives one home and one work and this was a struggle for me. It became clear home was not priority early on but his reasoning was always that he was providing, needed to work long hours etc. Several years ago he had affair with someone at work. It was obvious they were having emotional affair for long while beforehand but it then became physical too. I found out after about a year of the physical affair. He wanted to stay friends with her and would not leave (he is the cliched boss) which I obviously didn’t want and made clear. Eventually he said the emotional tie had been cut off and he didn’t like seeing me upset. He wanted it to work for us. However a year ago I found a hotel key in his pocket. Confronted him. They’d had another one off apparently after we had argued at home. Fast forward to a few months ago and I discover it never really stopped until this time last year despite him telling me it had when I first found out. He says now it has stopped because it’s over. I think it’s probably because of lockdown. They talk most days obvs because of work and they still have a special relationship - that’s clear. I’ve asked him to leave home many times but he won’t. He’s not a bad father and it’s never a good time for the DC who incidentally now see me as an awful mum because for the last years I just cry and shout. We’ve tried counselling. I don’t know how to get out of this situation and it makes me sad, unhappy and I feel very fragile. It’s not all his fault like I said it was far from perfect before all this but I always just asked for commitment and care from him? He wants it just to all go away and to move on together but for me it’s not as simple as that. What do I do?

Wow, this is awful. I'm sorry, no wonder you're upset all the time. You have been treated dreadfully.

This relationship is over,. The important parts of it are anyway, love, trust, fidelity. I hope you know that? You deserve someone who cares about you. He doesn't. You can't move on together, where can you go from here? It's just lie upon lie upon lie.

I'm so sorry.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

You knew he'd cheat again, you just didn't want to find out about it. He's never going to change. You know that.

You know what you need to do. Focus on gaining your self respect and self esteem back. Start making a plan for 2021 to get your life back on track. This time next year, your life could be completely different in a good way. Only you can change things. Don't waste any more time on that waste of oxygen of a husband.

Look after yourself and make sure you utilise your support network as much as possible.

He's a cheating lying scumbag. Move on without him and enjoy your life with your kids and potentially someone else.

You're literally wrecking your mental health for somebody who has systematically fucked you over...

There is absolutely no point in counselling because he truly isn't committed to resolution and repentance, his callous actions have shown you this repeatedly.

This is your life now OP, is this really what you want for yourself as a mother and a woman?

Relationships are supposed to uplift you, I see nothing of that here... Zilch.

Thank you - you’re all saying what I already know deep down and it’s reassuring. But how to get out of it and when? I have responsibilities here and nowhere to go. I don’t want it to be bitter and dramatic esp for DCs and esp at this time of year. They will 100% blame me for a split and selfishly I don’t know if I can bear that rejection right now. I feel I need to think through and plan rather than act immediately but I go around in circles.

You need to leave op. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Start divorce proceedings and even if you end up having to live in the same house you can eventually start the process to sell the house. He can't stop that. They are messing with you and treating you appallingly

How old are your children? I assume they don't know anything about this?

Honestly OP in the short term, I would mentally treat yourself like you are separated and focus on rebuilding the relationship with your DC. Maybe family therapy with them? And start thinking about filing for divorce. If your children are old enough to understand your father has been having an affair for years, it might somewhat change their view, but only if you are genuinely able to commit to changing your relationship with them.

From their point of view, you are the shouty angry mum. As outsiders, you have every reason to be shouty and angry but its not their fault, and I think saving that relationship and getting out of the marital one should be your priorities.

Oh and start to tell people that your dh has had an affair, it'll help massively towards people helping and supporting you.

See a solicitor
Get your financial ducks in line.
Start looking for rental property.
Far easier said than done but you will feel better once you don't have to look at the cheating scumbag all day.
Good luck.

Do you think the children would still blame you if they knew your husband had had an affair? I would hope not!

No one needs to be blamed. Your marriage has run its course.

File for divorce. There are countless threads on MN detailing the best way to come out on top financially. He will be forced to leave once the divorce goes through.

How old are your DC? That will make some difference in what you need to do. I would get individual counselling if you can afford it. Try to grey rock your H, mentally disassociate yourself from him. If you have a spare room I'd move in there. If Dc are little can just say something like daddy snores and keeps waking me, I need to catch up on sleep. Rebuild your relationship with DC while getting your ducks in a row. This is where the individual counselling and the thinking of yourself as seperated comes in, because you need to find a way to dismiss H and his actions from your mind so you can rebuild with DC. How does the shouty behaviour come about, is it in reaction to things he said or thoughts in your mind or something else? If it's the first you might need some stock phrases to reply and shut things down then walkway. Try focusing on your breath as you walk away and remind yourself that it doesn't effect you what H says or does because you know your relationship is over and that you and your DC are your only concerns here now. Especially if your DC are old enough to have a say in where they live you need to focus on and rebuild that relationship urgently. That's what I'd be focusing on.

I agree with grey rock whilst still living with him
You can’t say effective now our romantic relationship is over , and be civil
If he pushed back prepare a one sentence answer
I’d also get some short term MH support , pills or counselling
You need to get yourself in a more even place
Regarding Soliciter you don’t have to meet people face to face , i used a reasonably priced bit very good Soliciter I’ll PM details

OP how old are kids ? Are you
Working

I also think you should start telling people and getting support network

Please don’t do what I did and stay for years and years , it’s such a waste
Line up ducks
It feels helpless because your MH is on the floor my dear

As exhausted as I am as a single parent I am way way happier

With the kids , I’ve been on a parenting course as I was also wrecked (still am a bit TBH)
The top tips are
Have some golden time 1:1
Remember they model behaviour , it’s bloody hard to not shout
I get it though , I really do

No advice, mainly cos I don't know what AP means.

@Spidey66

No advice, mainly cos I don't know what AP means.

Quite simple and can be found via a google search (even if you didn't understand the post). Why even make a comment like this when someone is struggling. Hopefully you feel really good about yourself now.

@Spidey66 Affair Partner.

Thank you. The DC are teenagers. I’m going to look into counselling tomorrow morning for me even though it is outside what I’m comfortable with. I don’t like sharing indeed this is the most I’ve shared. Plus will take a long walk to try and work out some calm responses to when he says and does things that upset me. Breathing helps as I do suffer from panic. It’s rarely malicious on his part just thoughtless and that triggers me - the vibe he gives that life should just trot on as normal. I’m inspired by your kind words to make 2021 a positive year and to make sure the DC are priority. Thank you again.

My Dad had an affair throughout my childhood. My parents stayed together but it was awful. The atmosphere was terrible and they were constantly arguing and my mum was clearly really unhappy. I would have preferred them to separate than stay together. The kids will know and they are getting a really skewed view of what relationships are meant to be like.

If you're feeling panic or anxiety often it might be worth seeing your GP about treatment, whether that's counselling or medication or both. For me medication helps keep my panic at bay enough for me to start taking little steps towards separation. It also helps me cope with being around H and not being triggered by him so much. Anxiety can come out as anger too, which a lot of people don't realise. Worries about the future may be a contributing to the anger you've been feeling.

It’s rarely malicious on his part just thoughtless and that triggers me - the vibe he gives that life should just trot on as normal

Yes it suits him for it to be all swept under the carpet, but the tree remembers what the axe forgets. I find his lack of empathy and insolence quite disgusting tbh.

The problem is right now that this is all very insular, and without trying to be unkind it sounds as if you're completely focussed on him without any outside interests or persuits of your own. Is this the case?

Do you think in future you would like to out of this marriage?

Please seek individual counselling, it really helps to have someone to talk to and the counselling can also help guide you on how to handle your relationship with your children through this. Secondly, you don’t not have to file for divorce straight away, but I would encourage separation. Your husband has to carry on financially providing for you and children, regardless of whether he is in the marital home, so life in that respect needn’t change. Thirdly, the space of separation will give you time to find yourself again. I wish you well, he has behaved appallingly.

Do the kids know their wonderful dad has a year long affair that never ended?

Seriously, I would have them make me the bad guy when he's fu*ked up the marriage.

He is not remotely remorseful. You don't have to end it before Christmas...but I would make it clear that in your mind the marriage is over and he can do what he wants as you'll be doing the same...might as well open the marriage or end it.

You're effectively in a one sided open marriage.

I would just emotionally detach from him and check out of the marriage.

Focus on improving your life and establish what you want your future to be.

@mooballs
Who said I didnt Google it? I just got a load of stuff about Associated Press. But pardon me for asking, and I hope you found your sarkiness satisfying.

@CrazyToast
Thank you.

[quote Spidey66]@mooballs
Who said I didnt Google it? I just got a load of stuff about Associated Press. But pardon me for asking, and I hope you found your sarkiness satisfying.

@CrazyToast
Thank you.[/quote]
Lol. I think that you missed my point 😀. Well done!