Should I keep chatting with him if hes still on dating sites?

[pyramidhead]

I have been talking to a man who is a Facebook friend for around two months now. We met up twice in the first month and it seemed to go well but I wouldn't exactly call them dates as we didnt go anywhere just chatted a bit. Anyway I havent seen him anymore in a while but we continue to chat via fb.
He did ask if I was free to meet a couple weeks ago. I couldn't as I was working but suggested another day but he didnt really respond to that.
So we just still chat in a friendly manner. We both initiate equally.
However my friend told me that she saw him recently active on two dating sites and often updates his bio.
I'm not on dating sites. I was in a long term very toxic relationship up until a few months ago. I'm not really sure how to proceed. I'm a bit scarred by my previous experience.
I was thinking of asking him about meeting up somehow but since finding this out its knocked my confidence. Do you think he is not interested and has "friend zoned" me? Should I just cut him off and leave it?
Thanks in advance.

He's not your boyfriend, you're not in a relationship, he can chat to who he likes.

Until you've had that conversation(after a few dates), I wouldn't worry about all this. You should be chatting to others.

At this stage you're only chatting..

Yeah I think you're right. Think I was reading too much into it. He seems a nice guy and interesting so even if it's just friendship I guess that's fine :)

I'm going to be very honest, if he wanted more with you he would be pursuing you, contacting you frequently and trying to become exclusive with you, him being active on dating sites means he hasn't found what he's looking for, sorry. I think you should also keep looking for a man really keen on you.

He is allowed to talk to whoever he likes...but from my experience when they stay active on dating sites it means they're still looking. I would expect after this amount of time for him to be chasing you more if he was really interested. Be prepared for him to be dating and persuing others.

It seems to me that he sees you as a friend only hence putting energy into meeting a girlfriend online.

Well update...we met up again for a walk. I cant say it went well. He said my perfume was too strong and opened car window ( I hardly had any on!)...the walk was in the dark and muddy and he didn't even give me his hand to stop me from falling in the mud (I managed to save myself!)...then finally after the walk was done he didnt ask me in said he was tired!
And it's been 3 days we havent spoken since and I wont be initiating any more contact. I think it's safe to say he mustn't like me too much.
Oh well, another one bites the dust.
Really does wonders for my confidence, but hey ho.

it has nothing to do with you, he is a rude person. good escape and good luck for the next one.

Crikey, I don't know why you're turning it on yourself. He was unpleasant and lacking in basic courtesy. Why is it about him not liking you?! He was a dick.

I wouldn't worry about whether a rude lukewarm guy likes you or not.

It doesn't sound like there was anything about him for you to like.

Listen, you’re too raw at the moment.

You’re emerging from a deeply toxic relationship and as a result you’re second guessing everything

You’re also not too strong in the self esteem department yet either.

This guy would have made the effort to see you if he was interested, he’s not. That’s when you withdraw and leave him to it.

The dating sites confirm this, he’s at a different place in the relationship stakes than you and isn’t expecting or indeed wanting anything of you.

His comments were rude, and that in itself is enough

You would not say things like that in the way he said then to you if you cared for someone.

Pause. Reset your boundaries and get to know you.

I know you are a warm, kind, funny, intelligent and lovely person

It’s clear from how you write, and as a former dv victim myself, having worked so long on recovery and helping others to do the same, I know the kinds of women who fall prey to men like your ex.

Just as they are broadly all the same, so it seems are we to an extent

Stand up, stand tall! You’re beautiful and powerful and you deserve better

(You know of course I can’t take my OWN medicine... 🤣)

He sounds absolutely awful OP. Even if he wasn't interested in you romantically or as a friend, any decent guy would at least instinctively put out a hand to help stop you from falling! Good riddance . Be aware OP that abusive or bad men can sense women with low self esteem and will take advantage of you not asserting or valuing yourself. They often target such women too.

Most women would have cut things off after this guy didn't respond to your suggestion of another date. Sometimes they're 'nice' at first to reel you in, sometimes the bad behaviour starts from the very beginning. I'd work on your self esteem first before venturing into dating again otherwise you risk just repeating the same cycle of falling for a toxic or uncaring man.

I know you're all right. I have recently come out of an awful relationship and to be honest I'm still reeling from that and my self esteem hasnt recovered. I hope it will one day.
I also recently found out my ex is back on with an old flame and I think that's set me off a bit to be honest.
Not that it surprises me. As his flirting with exes on top of a drug addiction was what ruined that relationship. But my lack of self esteem made it drag on for much longer than it should have.
I guess that whole experience has made me question myself much more than I should ever do.
I completely agree, this other guy seems rude and I gathered he wasnt much interested in anything I had to say as well as his general demeanor towards me. I suppose I have dodged another bullet anyhow.
He just talked over me the entire time. I'm a quiet person until I get to know someone so not sure how I come across. But he surely didnt come across in a great way to me either so I guess the feeling is mutual. Sometimes people just dont gel well together maybe.
I still have a lot if crap going around in my mind. Mainly left over from my previous relationship. Think I'll stay off the dating scene for a good while longer.
I'm happy enough on my own I guess anyway.

I was just thinking earlier, my ex was gentlemanly at times,hold doors open for me etc...but he also wasnt averse to putting his foot out to trip me out the door....
Cant help thinking they're all the same but you are right so are we at times!

I agree with @MzHz.

Also you need to work on your boundaries - you shouldn’t have been thinking about going into his house with him - you barely know him and he wasn’t even polite to you. Not safe at any time let alone during a pandemic.

Thank goodness he didn’t ask you.

You absolutely will get there, but it takes time and work

For example you learn to recognise that just because someone does something that you don’t like or bothers you, it’s not necessarily abuse, but you’re entitled to end things when you’re not being heard, not being valued or just don’t feel good

It doesn’t have to be abusive for you to call it a day. It is enough if you’re not enjoying the relationship

All these things are learned through trial and error

You’ve leaned an enormous amount in this one relationship alone.

Time to process all that and see what you take away from it, gather yourself and whenever you’re ready try again with making connections

Of course it won’t be the be all and end all, it’ll be your next lesson along the way. When you’ve learned what you need to learn, move on.

This is how it was for me. Took a good few years, with a bit of heartbreak along the way, but in all of it I learned about myself, what I accept and where I draw the line.

I got pretty firm in the End when online dating, but you have to be.

You’re at the beginning of your journey, and you have done v well so far. It’ll get easier

Keep posting, lots of us here are veterans and will share our experiences with you to help you whenever we can

Keep on keeping on

Thank you for your input. There sure are some tough lessons to learn.
I just for some reason seem to have really low self worth and it really gets me into some crappy situations to say the least.
I do find it very hard to assert myself and people do see that and so I get hurt.
I hope one day I can somehow figure myself out although it's hard to try and be someone who I dont exactly feel that I am.
At the moment I just find it easier to be in my own company. I'm trying to be positive though and hopefully its something I can work on. Just sometimes it's hard knowing where to start.

You’ve started already You knew something wasn’t right and you posted here.

That’s the tiny voice of your self esteem asking you if this is right, cos it thinks not

Build on this and get to know yourself and you’ll appreciate more and more about yourself

Thank you. It is just a tiny voice for now but I hope it will grow louder eventually. I really need to learn how to recognize when I'm not being treated with respect. I think I am beginning to hopefully.
I don't mind about that Facebook guy now, it was only fleeting luckily.
I just think I still have lots to process regarding my ex but hopefully in time I will manage.
I really appreciate all your support and advice.

You learned a lot with Facebook guy! You will learn more and more

You’ll get there