DH recently NC with parents

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

In a nutshell, my husband's parents were extremely controlling towards us. Before we had children we did whatever they wanted because they were infamous for losing their tempers and getting into feuds. But when we had our first child 4 years ago we had to put in some boundaries and started making our own decisions.

Two years ago we decided to spend Christmas day with just my family instead of driving back and forth.

DH's parents responded to this decision by throwing physical tantrums, incessant phone calls, crying, bad mouthing us to the extended family, spreading rumours about us, dramatic emails, showing up at DH's work.

After 2 months of that not changing our minds they declared the relationship between adults to be at an end. They hired lawyers and started demanding we enter into an agreement that would give them shared custody of our children (they demanded an every other weekend type thing and the right to decide how the children spend every Christmas, Easter, birthday etc)

We did not agree to this. They took us to court. They lost. They believe the system is rigged. They spent tens of thousands, so did we. They were ordered to pay our costs, they have not done so.

We are exhausted by them. They have consumed so much time, energy, money, attention. We are just burned out.

DH decided to cut ties. He has had enough of them, it is damaging his health to keep participating in their soap opera.

This is his first Christmas not speaking to them. DH has a sibling who lives far away and who "gets it" but is also very keen to stay out of it. Sibling tries to be as neutral as possible and doesn't offer DH any real support.

The hard part is, we used to 'get along' with them and DH would say he had a happy childhood and that all his needs were met. They were always weird, always in some argument with someone - but it was never with DH before. It was a peaceful relationship while they got everything they wanted. It only blew up because we, for the first time, told them no.

I don't know how to support DH this year. It has been a horrible year.

Can anyone advise me on how to support DH? How to make this time of year better for him?

We have three wonderful children who are a great distraction but I know DH is in real pain.

Don’t question his decision. Ultimately it is best for the family.

Listen if he needs to rage.

When he is ready

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/202003/sons-narcissistic-mothers%3famp

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/sons-of-narcissistic-mothers/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201908/what-happens-sons-narcissistic-fathers%3famp

These might help him get an understanding of what’s going on.

They are extreme people. To go to court is nasty.

Focus on how great a father he is, that he isn’t repeating the past.

Maybe even comment about how restful Christmas is without them hanging over his head.

Counselling is great. Just choose on that doesn’t support family togetherness at any cost. They must have experience of of toxic families and support decisions to go NC.

Just be there for him and block those who question his decision. Make sure your family support it and don’t saying things like ‘I’m sure they didn’t mean it’ or ‘you only have one mum’. That kind of ignorant judgement hurts.

There is also the stately homes threat here. There are a lot of resources in the first few posts and full of people who get it.

It may have a lot of girls there which is different to the male perspective, (my brothers experience was also bad, but different) but it’s a place to start and will help him realise that he is far from along, it’s a script (revelation for me) and it’s not him.

Has he got any cousin aunt uncles or someone a bit more distantly related that "get it" .

Just create your famliy your traditions..

Best advice I can give is that having lost a parent-child relationship, he should focus on the parent-child relationship he has with your children. Break the cycle; treat the children as he wishes his parents would treat him, ie with unconditional love and understanding; make it a really positive one.

It's hard when your own parents haven't given you a great example to follow, but it's important to follow your heart. I just ask myself "What would a nice, patient, kind-hearted parent do/say in this situation?" and I do that.

It is really painful, and not to be underestimated. If your children are old enough to make him a Christmas picture/present full of messages and drawings about what a lovely dad he is, it might help to shift the focus of his energy onto the love he shares with them, not the love he's missing from his own parents. It's going to take time, and I hope you'll all be okay.

You also need to go back to the court re none payment as that is a breach of a court order and needs sorting - at the moment they are not being held to account for their actions and until it hurts it won't go away. I don't know why the courts don't throw out spurious stuff like this its always obvious - it should never have got that far

Thanks for the responses

@RB68 We could chase payment but we just told our lawyers not to bother. We just want it over, no amount of money would be worth the emotional energy.

@Username2ElectricBoogaloo thanks for this I'll keep it in mind

@aussiebean I fully support his decision to go NC. If anything I wish he'd made it sooner instead of giving them so many opportunities to hurt him. My family support him as well, they have spent enough time with his parents to realise how unhealthy they are.

His extended family are harder. They keep suggesting that we all move on, or asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. They keep saying 'surely there is some way to involve them' with our children. I know they mean well but it's really hard for DH.

Some great advice and resources here, but something important is that you can support him without trying to "fix" anything - there's no fix, it's a process he has to go through and it sounds like he might be at the start of it. Be prepared for guilt, anger, sadness - listen if he needs to get it out, don't press it if he doesn't. He might feel relief, but also guilt at feeling relieved - it's complicated.

Focusing on how he's breaking the cycle could be very comforting to him, if you find it hard to know what to say.

If there's anyone else in your life who's had to go NC with toxic family it could also help him to talk to them and share experiences.

You and he could come and join the group ‘Necessary Family Estrangement’ on FB, it was started by the columnist Sali Hughes. It’s a great place for moral support. I think there are some people on there who have been through the courts stuff with GPs as well. They sounds so very controlling.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease

re your comment:-

"His extended family are harder. They keep suggesting that we all move on, or asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. They keep saying 'surely there is some way to involve them' with our children. I know they mean well but it's really hard for DH".

Sadly they do not mean well at all and have their own agenda/self interest at heart here. These "flying monkeys" are usually easily fooled or otherwise manipulated friends or relatives sent in to do the narcissists dirty work for them. They are not at all interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored by you.

If counselling is to be at all considered by your H he needs to find a therapist highly skilled in the ways of toxic abusive families. He also needs to find someone who fits in with his approach and has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment or abuse.

I would yourself read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as a starting point. Your H could also have a look at the website entitled Out of the FOG. You may both want to look at and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I would certainly inform the court that your costs have not been paid by them as ordered.