Dating (very causally) after an abusive relationship - how soon is too soon?

[TeddyIsaHe]

I split up with my EA ex coming up to 3 months ago. I had a very traumatic breakup with him that had lots of complications.

I finally feel like I’m coming out the other side of everything and getting back on my feet and I met a man in the wild. Totally randomly just started taking as browsing for cookbooks.

I’ve been very open with him from the beginning - just got out of something very intense and I need to heal, and he’s taken everything on board, no pressure, no sulking (it’s a fucking breath of fresh air after ex) and happy to spend as much or as little time together as I want.

I like him. He’s kind and gentle and basically everything my ex wasn’t. But the fact I’m still comparing them seems to me I’m not ready. But I also don’t want to be a hermit for months and months to ‘heal’.

I’m an intelligent woman (I hope!) I think I can be aware enough to not use someone to fix a hole in me. And this doesn’t feel like it. But I think the wisdom onMN usually gives me something to consider so I wanted to ask.

For context we were together 8 months and didn’t live together, no kids etc.

IME going in too fast without doing the work can be a disaster.
However, life shows up sometimes and so things don't go to the ideal timetable, so the alternative to doing the work first is to doing a crash course now. I would read everything you can on trauma, Domestic violence and abuse, narcissism, etc.
I would start doing the freedom programme (you don't have to be celibate and single to do it, but it can give you a place to process what you've been through and to talk openly about any challenges with your new man).
Just listen to your gut, watch out for any red flags, get educated and keep talking it though with others.

The romantic in me, says go for it, good luck, and I hope this guy is a good one

Sometimes you need months to heal. But he sounds nice. Maybe go with the flow as friends, meet up once a week. Take it slowly and steady, enjoy his company without viewing it as a relationship. A friend that may become more?

I don't think 3 months is necessarily too soon after a relationship where you didn't live together and didn't have kids. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness of your emotions and behaviour and are taking things slowly. I would say that, coming out of an abusive relationship, people who meet the bare minimum standards can seem like an angel!

@VictoriasCousin thank you! I’m ashamed to say I had the ‘gut feeling’ with my ex and ignored it. I will never make that mistake again. I read up so so much about trauma bonding and narcissism and emotional abuse and feel like I understand it mow.

@B1rdflyinghigh I think the slow and steady approach is the way. And he is absolutely fine with that. It’s so refreshing.

@Treesinthewind thanks so much! I agree, I’m keeping my ‘you’re probably a shite’ hat on and being SO aware of red flags.

OP, do be careful in regard to how much you share about the previous relationship. Abusive men tend to target women who've come out of abusive situations. It does sound as if you've been guarded - stay that way and don't make yourself vulnerable too soon.

@Grimsknee

I am so guarded now it’s gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. Cookbook man knows basically nothing about what happened, just that it was intense.

I’m keeping it very casual - he knows the basics of my life and nothing more. But he’s so kind it’s just such a difference.

Thanks for the reply! Just want to reassure you that it is really okay to be at the other end if the spectrum for a while. You'll recover in good time and if he's a psychologically healthy man, he'll give you that time and space.

When you have been in a relationship with someone who controlled you, who told you that you were ugly, and that if he finished with you nobody would want you; someone who saw other girls and messed you about all the time -making you feel you were unattractive and grateful if he threw you a few crumbs which is what one guy did to me, it strips your confidence and self esteem.

Then you meet someone else who is not like that, you can be fooled into thinking they are perfect when they are not.

This is what happened to me. The first guy was my boyfriend for five years. The second one I married.
I should have waited and not been so needy. I should have played the field and had fun.
The second one was as bad as the first but in a different way. Both were controlling and both stifled me.
It's the control part that makes you feel afraid to be alone.
Jumping from one relationship into another can cloud your judgement.
Take your time to get to know him and keep it casual

@changedmynameforChristmas thank you so much for being open.

I am being as casual as I can - just having coffee, walks etc atm. I have vowed no man will ever come into my home unless I’m sure of them. And he is totally fine with this. Not a hint of a whinge or sulk.

I’ve been having counselling with a psychologist that specialises in EA and I think I’m ok. Like I know my boundaries are worth so much more than a man.

And cookbook is sticking to them.

[quote TeddyIsaHe]@changedmynameforChristmas thank you so much for being open.

I am being as casual as I can - just having coffee, walks etc atm. I have vowed no man will ever come into my home unless I’m sure of them. And he is totally fine with this. Not a hint of a whinge or sulk.

I’ve been having counselling with a psychologist that specialises in EA and I think I’m ok. Like I know my boundaries are worth so much more than a man.

And cookbook is sticking to them.[/quote]
You need to get your confidence back so if a situation occurs you can deal with it rationally and not emotionally.
Good luck !

I agree with PP about dating a lot of different men. It prevents you from putting all your eggs into one basket.

The rotten eggs weed themselves out over time doing this.

Im not sure why some of Mumsnet advise to date more than one man at a time, what is the rush to find the right man, get through as many as possible within a short space of time?! Why can't you just date one man at a time.

If you find a nice man and your anxious about dating, why would you involve other men?!

Yeah I definitely don’t the time, energy or patience to date multiple men

Keeping things casual with cookbook man, but he’s just so genuinely nice that it’s quite lovely. It’s been a long time since I was talking a man that I wasn’t scared of saying the wrong thing in case it pissed him off and he sulked/ignored/broke up with me 🙄

As it was only 8 months (very long ones I’m sure !) I’d say you spotted it pretty well and escaped fast
Unlike me

Go well but do some reading up on the red flags 🚩 and run like the wind If one shows up

Is he nice or is he just a relief compared to your ex?

I’ve been very open with him from the beginning

This makes you vulnerable, announced to him that you're vulnerable, and makes me think it's too soon.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course to learn the dynamics of abuse rather than a checklist of behaviours or comparing men to your ex?

Using one abusive man (at his most extreme point) as your baseline is a recipe for ending up in the clutches of a differently abusive man. They don't all behave the same.

I mean anyone is a relief after ex, but this guy is genuinely nice. There’s no red flags, he respects my need for space and to not be overwhelmed, has no crazy exes (!) he is genuinely interested in me, owns his home, has a good job.

He doesn’t know where I live, so even if he does turn out to be a total twat I can just block and move on. I will not be sucked into another soul-destroying relationship.