Instagram girl

[Anony95]

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. Overall things are really good, we've started talking about the future together, he's met my family and I've met his etc.

When we're together in person I have no worries. It's the rest of the week while we're apart I don't hear much from him and have raised this too. I do start to miss him and sometimes click on his IG to see photos of him. I noticed, on the day he did it, that he followed a new girl who lives in the same city as him. We're in Tier 4 which means no one can come into his work as all cafes, bars etc are closed and doing delivery only. So I was a little unsure how he'd be making new friends in person just now.

I had a bad feeling about her. I clicked on her profile and her stories are of her in her pants, photos of her posted in her bra, loads of filters and makeup and fake hair etc. She's young, skinny and pretty.

One day his phone was pinging and I knew it was her messsging him privately on IG. I playfully asked 'who's messsging you?' and he said I don't need to know that, held his phone away from me. I do trust him and know I don't have any business knowing who's messaging him but this attitude??

A couple of weeks later he's at my place, and on IG messages I see her come up again. I asked 'who's X' and he said she's a girl that comes into his work to buy drinks. With the way he was saying it, and cause at his work he's always busy and serving drinks, it's not a chatty kinda place especially in a pandemic with rules on no socialising with customers, I did ask was she hitting on you when she asked for your IG then.
He said he doesn't know.
Surely if she wasn't it would be no, and if yes 'i dont know' more like?? That's my feeling on it anyway.

So he's added this girl recently as I did notice on what day, then tried to tell me he did this months ago before he and I were together, but I know this isn't true. Later that night I apologised for feeling insecure like this as I know it must be a turn off but that my feeling on it is if a young hot guy came up to me at work regularly talking to me in a pandemic, asking to be able to see more photos of me and message me whenever and I did so secretively messaging back, seeing his photos of him in his underwear, that wouldn't be ok in a monogamous relationship either.

The next day I saw he's unfollowed her. I didn't ask him to do this and I hope whatever that was that it's the end of it. How can I stop thinking about this? How do I trust he's not continuing to message with her?

I'm not sure why you're apologising for being insecure and insistent that you trust him.

He's behaving like a sleazy dick.

He is a sleaze bag hoball, he probably tried his luck, she probably blocked. Why would you trust him?

If he has overstepped tha line of course it will affect your confidence. He denies and then you doubt yourself. If you have to keep second guessing then it’s not a sign of a good relationship. How old are you both?

I appreciate the message, but she is still following him. He's unfollowed her

He's 26 and I'm 25

he said I don't need to know that

Why? Are you exclusive? That’s a bizarre answer.

I wouldn’t put too much thought into him unfollowed her, it could have been for any reason - his interest could have disappeared or he could be trying to hide it from you so you don’t ask about her any more.

I wouldn’t be happy with how he’s responded to you. He’s brushed you off, not reassured you.

He’s sounds like he’s messing you about if I’m honest. It’s not ok to do the things you’ve writ in a committed relationship and it sounds like you take the relationship a lot more serious than he does.

My advice would be to step back and see if he tries harder. You said he doesn’t really contact you much whilst you’re apart which obviously pisses you off and makes you wonder what he’s up to. Don’t put all of your eggs into one basket. It’s only been a few months so try to take it slower.

@Anony95 what did he say when you raised the fact he doesn’t contact you much when you don’t see him? From what you have said it does sound like you are more invested than he is.

So you've had the proof he's looking elsewhere and even messaging her! It won't be long before there is another who catches his eye. He is a creep, raise your standards and dump him before he cheats.

Thanks everyone. So my feeling is, I could make friends (maybe not in pandemic but in future and in past) who are men who I'd meet on a night out, on a holiday in a hostel, at a party or something. I would probably add 1 or 2 on social media, that's what people do and it's fine.

It's just his choice. Is he adding men? Their conversation was about tattoos and I didn't see him liking any of her pictures so.. he's not been 'wrong' in this, just strange and of course I don't want him adding random girls he meets but I do need to accept he'll have friends who will also be attractive people. It's hard for me.

You're anxious and he isn't. He doesn't care enough to even make you feel comfortable with it, he basically told you to sod off when you asked him about it - which was you seeking reassurance. You say everything is good when you're together, well that's the easy bit at the beginning isn't it? You don't feel secure or relaxed in your relationship with him. It isn't supposed to be like that.

You're trying to frame this as your insecurity rather than his behaviour.

Seriously, I'm 45 and I wouldn't put up with this. I wouldn't spend any time trying to contort myself into acceptance.

You sound like me a few years ago, you don't trust him, and I don't blame you. By the way my then boyfriend was messaging people inappropriately, lying, cheating with numerous people, following then unfollowing girls when asked. He basically made me out to be a crazed, paranoid stalker and brushed me off.

I eventually found many photos of girls vaginas on his Snapchat, conversations etc. I'm not saying that your partner is doing this by the way, but once the seed is planted (sounds like it is in your case) it's hard to shake and it becomes quite exhausting constantly checking up on these men.

Later that night I apologised for feeling insecure

Don't EVER do that again, either HE comes correct or he fucks off out of your life!!

See, I know I was just like you when I was your age. I would hate what he was doing, feel insecure about it, but at the same time think I was in the wrong and being controlling about it. Social media has changed everything, made us think that we should be "cool girlfriends", let them follow local women who show pictures in her underwear, we can follow men in their underwear as well, and that's all cool and good. It's human nature to look isn't it? Except it's not human nature to look this much, adding some woman he met in tier 4, and lying about the origins of the relationship is just wrong.

I don't like the sleaziness of this type of behaviour. More and more people think it's their prerogative. That's fine for them, personally I'm much happier with my husband who would never add a half naked, random woman to any of his social media.

Always..... trust your instincts OP 🌺