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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My neighbour died..

26 replies

Wrecktal · 16/12/2020 16:52

...I feel quite distraught. Brings back memories of my Dad dying at a similar time two years ago. They were a couple - it happened a week ago (ambulance outside, private ambulance took body away) and I want to offer my support, especially at this time of year. But I also don’t want to intrude. Do I do anything?

OP posts:
Palavah · 16/12/2020 16:53

Do you know them to speak to? By name?

Original poster
Wrecktal · 16/12/2020 16:54

Yes. They brought children presents at Easter/Xmas. We are joined to them (semi detached).

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrecktal · 16/12/2020 16:57

I put a note in with the neighbour the other side, giving my number and saying we were concerned - and offering help. But no response.

OP posts:
HelloDaisy · 16/12/2020 17:17

I would go and knock on the door as you do know them well enough. You won’t be intruding and they may well be pleased to see you.

Offering help is very kind but they might not feel okay to ask. However they would probably welcome a kind face at their door or a plate of food, biscuits etc.

FleetwoodRaincoat · 16/12/2020 17:22

I would definitely go and knock on their door. Just offer your condolences and let them know you're there if they need anything. I was so upset when my elderly neighbour died, as she'd been like a second grandmother to my DCs.

RB68 · 16/12/2020 17:30

Its very hard to be grieving at the moment people can't come and see you etc so kindness from neighbours is important - I would take them some meals to pop in the freezer/eat just something normal say portions from your own food etc and let them know if they need anything - give them a phone number etc.

nosswith · 16/12/2020 20:10

I agree with knocking on the door.

BorisandHarriet · 16/12/2020 20:12

When my mum died my dad really appreciated kind words from neighbours. One of his neighbours drops little treats in for him like a cake or a pastry. It brightens his day.

2bazookas · 16/12/2020 20:28

I would leave a condolence card and in it, ask if you can do anything practical to help. Add your number . If they are having a public funeral, go to it .
Give therm a few days after the funeral then go round to see them.

bumhead · 16/12/2020 20:28

My lovely Dad died in February and when one of the neighbours knocked on with some flowers or a card it meant everything. It let us know how much they thought of him and was really touching. Please knock on

LilQueenie · 16/12/2020 20:33

knock on the door take a meal or something round. Make sure they are eating. If they don't answer the door call the police to check on them.

Worriednow77 · 16/12/2020 20:35

I had a similar situation two months ago. The neighbour over the road (holiday home but they stay here half the year) stopped breathing and the lady ran to me and I called an ambulance. Unfortunately it was too late when they arrived, it was awful seeing her reaction 😢he was such a lovely man and they’ve always given us small gifts and love our dog etc.
We went round personally and took flowers initially, she then returned to her home country. She came back recently and we too toddler Dd to the end of her drive and gave her some gingerbread men she’d made, nicely wrapped up. We’ll give her an Xmas gift and homemade card from Dd at the weekend. Feel horrendous for her as some days she doesn’t leave the house, it’s so hard to know what to do, especially in the current situation.

Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:04

Thank you all. I’m not even sure whether the lady or gentleman has died. They were quite a nervous couple eg she gave us her phone number when we moved in. I rang them once, and the lady was very ‘off’ with me because I knew the number. She’d obviously forgotten that she’d written it in the card. Yet she has my number and used to ring me quite frequently until I phoned her. The only reason I know something happened is because I looked out the window. They don’t answer the door to people - I could just post a Christmas card, and leave a gift on doorstep? They are also v worried about Covid - and wore masks, even when alone and just in their garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:09

And although they were initially very friendly to us, I now think they don’t ‘like’ us...although the last time I saw them together in the car they gave us a very friendly wave. We used to hear them arguing a lot next door - and I think they would intentionally avoid us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:15

We live in a bungalow - a road of bungalows. I would say there seems to be tension between the more elderly residents, and the residents who have families?

OP posts:
Hayeahnobut · 17/12/2020 10:16

Your neighbour has died but you're making it all about you. You've not even established which of them has died.

I'd leave them be. Definitely don't send a Christmas card, you can't even put the correct name if you don't know which of them has died.

MizMoonshine · 17/12/2020 10:22

Cook something nourishing that can be easily reheated. Take it around to them, fully Covid safe.
Let them know that you're thinking about them and available to help with shopping etc if they need it.
My dad died in 2019, leaving my mum alone (until I moved in) and the neighbours really kept her afloat.
They fed her when she was too empty to feed herself. They checked in on her.
She never had to feel alone even though she was.

Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:25

@Hayeahnobut that’s quite uncalled for. “You’ve not even established” - so how would I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:29

@MizMoonshine thank you. My Dad died in 2019 too. I think a card... I could so easily get her shopping etc.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 17/12/2020 10:30

I would pop a gift on the doorstep (a little cake or something) with a note just saying you are thinking of them and if they need anything let you know, maybe leave your number again.
If you hear nothing, but the gift is taken in I would leave something again on Christmas Day saying your thinking of them.
Then maybe one more try when the kids are back in January

Cheeseandlobster · 17/12/2020 10:30

@Hayeahnobut

Your neighbour has died but you're making it all about you. You've not even established which of them has died.

I'd leave them be. Definitely don't send a Christmas card, you can't even put the correct name if you don't know which of them has died.

Dont be ridiculous. She is trying to be thoughtful without causing offence.

Op I would do as others have suggested. Post a condolence card and maybe a small gift. Make it clear you are there for them and then leave it for a while. I dont think they were avoiding you btw. I think they were probably embarrassed you heard them arguing.

I think you sound like a lovely considerate neighbour

Original poster
Wrecktal · 17/12/2020 10:34

@EvilPea @Cheeseandlobster that’s really kind and great advice. I shall do that!

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 17/12/2020 10:55

@Hayeahnobut

Your neighbour has died but you're making it all about you. You've not even established which of them has died.

I'd leave them be. Definitely don't send a Christmas card, you can't even put the correct name if you don't know which of them has died.

That was uncalled for Hmm I think the OP is trying to do the right thing.
Choccyp1g · 17/12/2020 11:24

It might be a while yet, with Christmas and COVID, but find out when the funeral is happening, and get the neighbours along the street to come to their gates to show their respect.
When If you are not allowed the normal numbers at a funeral, people lining the route can be very touching.

Palavah · 17/12/2020 20:07

It's not at all unreasonable to want to express your condolences and offer support.

It's not unusual for other people's bereavement to trigger memories and feelings of your own bereavement. It is important not to highjack one with the other, however unintentionally. Do ask yourself what you're driven to do because it will help or comfort them, rather than that which will comfort you.

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