Can't work out if I was unreasonable or him??

[HousebySea]

Been together a long time.

Two things have happened this week which have turned into arguments with me calling him uncaring, cold and horrible towards me, and (perhaps childishly) I said I hate him. I'm looking for perspectives whether I was unreasonable here.

Issue 1 - My sibling sent me an emotional letter with photos of our deceased parent. He was working that night so I text him "A sent me an emotional letter" to which he replied "can't be bothered with half stories" . I was like I reached out to you for a bit of support and you maintain the way I approach you is wrong.. turned into an argument.

Issue 2 - Our elderly cat isn't doing so well. I called the vet who say if cat doesn't improve over next couple days to take them in. It could be bad . OH is the only person who can get cat in the cat box, cat hates the vets, it's a long running thing. I have tried every technique and can't do it. OH hates this as cat avoids him for like a week every time he comes back. Also he hates missing his hobby on his days off for any reason and moans.
Anyway I said I am worried. Didn't even have a chance to explain I'd just come off phone to vet etc. OH sighs and snaps "what is it now??, the world ending??" . I told him about the cat and I said he's horrible and cold and I hate him. I think he felt bad, but still managed to turn it onto me, apparently he is sick of me. I said the same.

The thing is, yes I am a bit of a worrier, so I suppose it can get tiring, but I'm honestly not that bad. Also, we've been having a rough patch this year. I feel resentful that I've went out of my way to support him in his hard times in recent years but he doesn't really do the same for me, maybe the bare minimum when I've been in hospital or something. He's a bit less affectionate. He tries to spend time together but about half the time I don't want to. He is too cold and let me down too many times and he's arrogant always right etc, never in the wrong, if anyone needs to change it's never him etc. I guess there's bad feeling on both sides.

On these two issues, was he as horrible as I think, or am I over reacting??

Depends, while you can expect some support, but what you got was opposite to that, you contacted him about it while he was at work, which is bad timing. Can you not wait till he's at home to discuss things or do you ring him a lot at work?

He was horrible to you here in both examples you cite.

I have to look at you in all this too; why are you and he together at all exactly?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do you seem to still think and or believe that this is all you deserve from a relationship with a man?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; were your parents this cold and downright awful towards you as a child?. Made to feel not good enough?.

You seem to be very much an option here to him rather than his priority and you also seem far more invested in this than he is or perhaps ever has been. Give yourself the best Christmas present here by giving this man the permanent boot from your life. Honestly you would be better off on your own than to be so badly accompanied. You're being dragged down here by this man.

Am sorry also to hear about your cat. Even this man cannot be bothered with this animal. Another minus point re this man is that he puts his hobbies (is it cycling?) above everything else and moans too if he misses any of his hobby time.

It's really hard to tell from the examples you've given but you sound like a bit of an Eeyore and quite vague.

You text him at work saying "A sent me an emotional letter". Was that it? You didn't elaborate? My response to that text would have been "huh??" probably followed by "I'm at work, can this wait until I'm home".

It's been a tough year for everyone and constantly trying to support and prop up someone that always looks on the bleak side of life can be exhausing, especially when they make vague doom and gloom comments and you feel like they want you to have to drag information out of them.

Well for one thing,I have someone sending me leading messages like yours and I want to now just scream out to them “AND....,!!!!!!!” It is irritating. Why don’t you send a complete text? It’s bloody annoying.

Talk in full sentences too. I’m worried about the cat because cyst and the vet said he may need to come in

Perhaps you should seriously consider apologising too for saying you hate him. Stop resorting to that type of comment.

You may also seriously want to consider working on your communication skills.

I don't often contact him at work, no. His work is undemanding even he says that!!

I suppose I am a bit of an Eeyore (good way of putting it!!). I'm a worrier. He is a rager though, always raging at how unfair the world is, and I do try jolly him along a bit.

He is often unsupportive and abrupt towards me though. I feel that whenever I reach out to him for support, he dismisses me. Unless it's something 'big' and obviously upsetting maybe. He's the exact same with his parents.

I think I'm pulling away from him. I am quite a bit younger than him and since I've hit my 30s (I'm 33) I 'see' more of his selfishness and - imo - immaturity, and narcissism. He cannot seem to respect that others may have a different opinion or way of being than him. He's right and everyone else is wrong. He's the same in parenting - wants everything his way.

It probably doesn't help though that this year I haven't really been enthusiastic about spending time with him. He has asked, but I can't be bothered. He doesn't make me happy and doesn't care that he doesn't. The problem is - of course - with me .

We used to be so in love. I suppose to make things work I'd need to make effort to engage more and spend time with him. I resent it though when he doesn't care and acts like he does and will never change.

Well his replies were pretty brusque, but I have to say you do sound a bit like a friend of mine who is always sending me texts such as "I'm so worried......" and that's it, that's all that's in the text. No indication if it's something tiny or something massive. It does come across as attention seeking because then of course you have to reply back immediately, in case it's something important, when normally it could have waited. And of course she wants a bit of a fuss made and I do understand but she'd irritate me so much less if she just texted "I'm so worried because I came home and the gate was open when I'm sure I shut it. Could you call me when you're next free? Thanks". Maybe try expressing the full point you're trying to make instead of just a bit of it?

Also....if you want emotional support maybe just ask for it .... eg my brother sent me a lovely picture of dad and it's made me miss him so much. Would love a hug when you get home as feeling a bit emotional. I think he'd respond to that better maybe?

If I got text messages like that I'd be the same tbh, it is half a story, just say what you want in one go ffs

The example with the cat is the same; announcing vaguely that you are worried, rather than leading into it more directly. It sounds as if what he is hearing is you making a dramatic statement, without explanation. (Yes, you were about to mention the cat, but he didn't know that.) I can imagine that might be a bit irritating if it is a habit of yours - being drip-fed scraps of drama and you don't know if it's going to be something really awful (someone's died) or minor (TV is on the blink). Especially if he's busy at work etc.

So kind of understandable if he's a bit snappy - and then you launch straight into "he's horrible and cold and I hate him". So you're snappy too. Doesn't sound as if you like each other very much?

Sounds like you have some communication problems. If you want to tell him something then tell him, there is no need to turn it into a drama. Just saying how you feel with a ... afterwards is the kind of thing immature attention seeking teenagers do on Facebook. Having said that he wasn’t very kind in his replies.

Hmm, I have sympathy for your story, as you've given us more information.

But I do get annoyed with cryptic messages, my DM and MIL both do this. I find myself just replying "Yes...???"

Because they've not told me what they're telling me. It's a half message. Tbh I'm fairly impatient especially with MIL because it'll end up being about a soap storyline or some shite.

@Thatwentbadly

Sounds like you have some communication problems. If you want to tell him something then tell him, there is no need to turn it into a drama. Just saying how you feel with a ... afterwards is the kind of thing immature attention seeking teenagers do on Facebook. Having said that he wasn’t very kind in his replies.

Yes that's what I was trying to describe; turning it into a drama. It's like a leading needy FB status. I lose patience.

@Opentooffers

Depends, while you can expect some support, but what you got was opposite to that, you contacted him about it while he was at work, which is bad timing. Can you not wait till he's at home to discuss things or do you ring him a lot at work?

I completely disagree with this. It would have taken him the same length of time and effort to type "sorry to hear that, can we talk later about it?" compared with "can't be bothered with half stories". The latter is vile and uncaring. Working or not.

I think you both have come to the end of the line. Maybe it is time to move on from each other.

I think you are looking for the worse in him and he doesn't care what he says.

As for the cat get a hand towel, sweep her up in it, hold her family and put her in the basket herself.

*yourself

I literally have to launch a bath towel over my boy then wrap him like a burrito in order to get him in his crate. If I want any eyeballs left.

It's very stressful (for both of us), but it has to be done.

But I do get annoyed with cryptic messages, my DM and MIL both do this. I find myself just replying "Yes...???"

My DH used to be like this. I stopped immediately reacting. I reached a boiling point years ago, where I absolutely hit the fucking roof when the conversation went like this:

DH: "I've got some bad news.......

Me: No response.

DH: My grandad has bladder cancer.........

Me: ...

DH: He has 6 weeks........

Me: ....

DH: Of chemotherapy ahead of him".

OP I can't tell you how very irritating your type of conversation is . Have you thought about having some counselling to address your very different styles of communication?

@HotSince63

But I do get annoyed with cryptic messages, my DM and MIL both do this. I find myself just replying "Yes...???"

My DH used to be like this. I stopped immediately reacting. I reached a boiling point years ago, where I absolutely hit the fucking roof when the conversation went like this:

DH: "I've got some bad news.......

Me: No response.

DH: My grandad has bladder cancer.........

Me: ...

DH: He has 6 weeks........

Me: ....

DH: Of chemotherapy ahead of him".

OP I can't tell you how very irritating your type of conversation is . Have you thought about having some counselling to address your very different styles of communication?

Ha! This is exactly my MIL, but then she'd leave it til the end to tell me it's a character in Corrie or some shit.

I have to say I would have no patience with your texting style, particularly if I was busy at work and received deliberately vague texts like those.

I think the real problem is that you're expecting him to change to make the relationship even tenable, and it seems pretty clear he sees no reason to.

You say you've been together for a long time, but it sounds very fractured. Some couples are happy retaining a high degree of independence, I get that. But you say you don't even want to spend time with him. What's the point?

Do you love him? It sounds like you want someone there for support, but I didn't see much mention of love. And he isn't giving you the level of support you want anyway. If it was me I couldn't be bothered.

I don't think you're at fault, or him necessarily. It just sounds like compatibility issues. Mind you, I don't think I could be arsed with someone who liked to rage a lot either. You sound a bit drained - no wonder.

@JovialNickname

Well his replies were pretty brusque, but I have to say you do sound a bit like a friend of mine who is always sending me texts such as "I'm so worried......" and that's it, that's all that's in the text. No indication if it's something tiny or something massive. It does come across as attention seeking because then of course you have to reply back immediately, in case it's something important, when normally it could have waited. And of course she wants a bit of a fuss made and I do understand but she'd irritate me so much less if she just texted "I'm so worried because I came home and the gate was open when I'm sure I shut it. Could you call me when you're next free? Thanks". Maybe try expressing the full point you're trying to make instead of just a bit of it?

Also....if you want emotional support maybe just ask for it .... eg my brother sent me a lovely picture of dad and it's made me miss him so much. Would love a hug when you get home as feeling a bit emotional. I think he'd respond to that better maybe?

Thanks those suggestions sound just right.

I think I've just got into a habit of protecting myself from being hurt because he's been dismissive of me so many times.

I do tend to not know when to pick my battles though. So we end up arguing over lots of minor issues and also some big ones. He'd probably be more willing to change if I didn't bring up most things.

Can you reflect on what you actually said in the first example versus what you meant. You didn't say anything about needing support or your own feelings. It could have been your sibling expressing any emotion to you, anger, sadness, anything. How is someone meant to respond? if sibling is a drama queen you might eye roll, but that might be wrong. If sibling is angry, you might be angry so sympathy would miss the mark.

This way of communicating puts all the pressure of the conversation on the other person, it's really very annoying.

How did you tell him he needed to put cat in the box (on a night he had plans to do a hobby?) If you'd says "we" or discussed it with him that would be very different than a defeatist "I guess you'll have to because I can't even try..."

@lightyearsahead

I think you both have come to the end of the line. Maybe it is time to move on from each other.

I think you are looking for the worse in him and he doesn't care what he says.

As for the cat get a hand towel, sweep her up in it, hold her family and put her in the basket herself.

Honestly, I've tried the towel thing, I've tried treats in the box, everything. I'm not being princess-ey about this. The cat is massive and he used to be a stray. I've been scratched, peed on, and if he gets wind he may be going in the box, he will hide for days. So one failed attempt and that's it. He only lets OH pick him up. Once he hid under the skirting boards (somehow) under the boiler. He's drew blood from vets before as well. It's strange cause he's a complete sweetheart unless you try get him in that box or to the vets. We've had him since the youngest was under 2. I was v apprehensive at first but despite much cajoling from DCs when they were younger he's never been anything but lovely to everyone.

OH works part time and also cares for a family member so is away a lot. I work as well. Even when the DC were young, I've taken care of everything in the house and mostly everything else. It doesn't bother me. I'm really not demanding, the cat issue is the only thing I can't do myself.

@SnoozyLou

I think the real problem is that you're expecting him to change to make the relationship even tenable, and it seems pretty clear he sees no reason to.

You say you've been together for a long time, but it sounds very fractured. Some couples are happy retaining a high degree of independence, I get that. But you say you don't even want to spend time with him. What's the point?

Do you love him? It sounds like you want someone there for support, but I didn't see much mention of love. And he isn't giving you the level of support you want anyway. If it was me I couldn't be bothered.

I don't think you're at fault, or him necessarily. It just sounds like compatibility issues. Mind you, I don't think I could be arsed with someone who liked to rage a lot either. You sound a bit drained - no wonder.

Yes drained is the right word for it.

He is a difficult person to get on with. His whole family say that. He can be really selfish (not always but he is only generous - with time, emotions, money, everything - on his terms), he rages at lots of things (not me, like companies, the world), he's always right, and he is always dictating about how the DC are to be brought up.

I don't know if I love him. I do, there is some love there, we used to be really in love. Other emotions like resignment, resentment, hurt are stronger for me this year though. I'd say I really loved him up until this year, had all the feelings.

This year has been hard. We have seen each other way less due to the situation as he is a carer for ECV relative and we've had large periods of self isolating where he's (rightly) stayed with them, my depression has been really bad and he's not been supportive (in fact he just tells me to pull myself together like everyone else in the world). I'm sick of his me me me shit. Like if I say I'm feeling down (not often maybe three times this year) his response will be "I don't know what to say. I never allow myself to get down" . Always has to be superior in everything. It IS draining.

Don't think it matters who was unreasonable (IMO - issue 1 you, issue 2 him), this screams a relationship that's run its course and two people who barely like, let alone love, each other any more.

It happens, it's normal, but it's time to part ways before it gets really toxic.

@HousebySea I hear you. In fairness, it has been an appalling year. I defy anyone to be locked in with their other half through all of this crap and not have a single crossed word.