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Relationships

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Original poster

Are Christmas visits obligatory?

23 replies

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 13:09

If you had a partner (together three years, no shared kids) would you expect that you should go to see their family at Christmas, even if they live three hours drive away?

My DP wants me to go see his parents and we'd have to stay over. Also his daughter would be there. We live together but I still feel like I'd be intruding. I also feel like it would be stressful as his daughter is a handful at the best of times and I could do with a break. Would it be awful to try and get out of it? I don't want to hurt his feelings.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 13:14

I don't think it's awful but I do think that if you're planning on spending your life with someone, then family is part and parcel.

Maybe you're not that serious about him?

Shortfeet · 16/12/2020 13:15

If you don't want to don't do it. That's ok !

Original poster

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 13:20

I'm serious about him. I just come from a single-parent family and don't really 'get' larger families, I find them quite overwhelming. I don't really understand what my role is or what their expectations are, especially at Christmas.

I would much rather go when his daughter isn't there at some point after Christmas. Maybe I should mention that. Would that be hurtful?

OP posts:

Horehound · 16/12/2020 13:21

Hmmm I don't see his request as that bad. Bit great that's what you think about his daughter though. J can see trouble ahead.

Aprilx · 16/12/2020 13:23

I think visiting a partners family is a normal thing to do and most people would like their partner to meet family.

I have never been to DH’s family on Christmas Day but we usually visit at some point over the Christmas period and stay over (we are also about three hours away).

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 13:23

That would be hurtful OP. Do you not normally see much of his daugher?

Aprilx · 16/12/2020 13:26

Just seen you second post, no of course you cannot say you would rather go when his daughter is not there. He would probably rethink his relationship with you if you said that!

QuantumJump · 16/12/2020 13:26

I don't think visits are obligatory if both partners agree, but I do think your partner is likely to feel hurt if he has invited you and you say no. Especially if he feels you're specifically avoiding his DD.

NewYearHere20 · 16/12/2020 13:31

If you are serious about your partner then his family and particularly his daughter are going to become part of your future. Family Christmases are likely to be an expected part of life and i'd see it as a nice thing that he wants you to be included. I think you risk offending him if you say you don't want to go - and speaks volumes about how you see things in the future too. Maybe have a chat with him and explain that you find big family gatherings over whelming and your're worried about it. Maybe you could plan some alone time together while you are at his parents - go for a walk or something? Just thinking that my make things more manageable for you. I would imagine the rest of the family just want to make you feel welcome.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 16/12/2020 13:33

Just make out you are thinking of him and you would love he had the freedom to go see his lot. Invent some necessary household task that will keep you busy while he is gone.. Do not say his dd is a reason not to go!!

Original poster

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 13:38

Just to clarify - I see a lot of his daughter as we live together and she's with us a few nights a week! She's just quite demanding of his time - which is obviously absolutely fine. When we're at home I can go and do my own thing but in someone else's house I couldn't really do that. I'd just quite like to have a relaxing time with his parents who I hardly ever see rather than childcare which is why I think another time would be better.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 16/12/2020 13:47

All things being equal I'd expect a person in a serious relationship to be open to spending time with their partners family at least some of the Christmases. It's a normal part of committed adult relationships.

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 13:47

Surely the grandparents and the Dad will do the childcare though? She's not your child...obviously you'd have to interact with her. But it seems you don't like her maybe?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 16/12/2020 13:52

Yanbu to want some adult home alone time before festive madness op...

Opentooffers · 16/12/2020 14:00

Either, his daughter is demanding of his time, or you are bogged down with childcare, so which is it, as can't really be both? Do you have any DC yourself? I'm not getting much of a maternal vibe from you, which is fine not to be, but in that case it's going to be harder to have a relationship with someone who is a parent.

Original poster

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 14:06

@FortunesFave - that's what I mean. I'd have more time with the parents who I've only met about four times ever if the daughter wasn't there who I see all the time. It's just the fact that it's the Christmas period that means we'd all be there at the same time. So why not leave it until after Christmas?

Also - we're both in our 40s and we won't be having any children together or anything like that.

OP posts:

SlippersForFlippers · 16/12/2020 14:12

I don't think is looking good for the future. Of course he is going to want to see his daughter at Christmas!

RantyAnty · 16/12/2020 14:12

How old is the daughter?

Can you go with the expectation that you can go and enjoy yourself and leave the childcare to her father?

Original poster

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 14:12

I have my own child who'll be with his dad those days (not actually Xmas day, the days after), @Opentooffers. I wasn't saying I'd be looking after his daughter - he and his parents would.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrowUpToBe · 16/12/2020 14:24

He'll be there with his parents and his DD before Christmas (without me) and back down with the DD again after Christmas - which is when he wants me to go. I haven't met his parents in well over a year because of Covid and distance.

@RantyAnty - she's 8. He would definitely do any childcare that needed doing.

OP posts:

nosswith · 16/12/2020 17:30

It is not obligatory and Covid 19 gives a reason you can use not to go.

Rybvita · 17/12/2020 01:11

@Aprilx

Just seen you second post, no of course you cannot say you would rather go when his daughter is not there. He would probably rethink his relationship with you if you said that!

It's actually better for the OP to be straightforward and honest with him. Fair enough, not everyone can handle other people's kids, especially if they behave in a way you wouldn't bring up your own kids to behave, but the boyfriend needs to know how the OP feels as it's not in the daughter's interests at all for him to be with someone who is that adverse to her.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/12/2020 01:14

I think if you're a family then yes, you do these things together. If he's done guy your currently living with with a daughter your not that fond of, not so much

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