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Original poster

Help me get though this

21 replies

Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 10:15

According to him we have to end the relationship as it’s driving him crazy, it’s him apparently and he is ill and under pressure and has too much work etc. He loves me but can’t be with me and has commitments to his kids and ex, which should have been a flag in hindsight.

He has spent a lot of time with them as they need him but hasn’t told me about times they’ve been away together with the children whilst we were together. So I said some things I shouldn’t have when I found out the extent of it.

I lied about something at the beginning of our relationship and he is using this as the reason to end it which is very painful but there is no trust because of it.

I am in shock and trying to comprehend what a loss this is as we were planning our future together a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 10:59

Anyone? Sad

OP posts:
Bence69 · 16/12/2020 11:02

What did you lie to him about I’m the beginning of the relationship ?

changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 11:05

He says his ex needs him. Let her have him then and find yourself a man who doesn't feel the need to lie to you.

Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 12:08

@Bence69
Spending time with a group of friends and he thought there was something more with one of them so I lied about the amount of time as I knew he’d be upset.

@changedmynameforChristmas
he was ‘the one’ well for me anyway and he says I was the love of his life so it feels impossible to get over this. I have such a panicked feeling at the thought of not speaking to him every day but we have been arguing non stop

OP posts:
EpochTime · 16/12/2020 12:10

Realise that he never really 'left' his ex and DC, at least not in his mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2020 12:12

Your "the one" started off the relationship with lies. Not a good omen, is it? It shouldn't be this hard, op. Walk away and move on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2020 12:19

Sorry that you are hurting op. He does sound a bit too bound up with his ex though. Obvs he has responsibilities for the kids - but to go away with her as well as them, and not tell you, would be a red flag for me for sure. Why did they break up - does she want him back (or at her beck and call)?

Opentooffers · 16/12/2020 12:48

Excuse me? He's holding what over you? The fact that right from the off you felt you had to lie to him about spending time with your own friends. That at the beginning he had jealousy and control issues? It doesn't matter what he thinks, you know if there are was something more with one of them or not, and if the answer is not, then he's most definitely a control freak. He has no leg to stand on, you should of dumped him at the start for trying to dictate who, and how much, time you spend with people, because that was out of order.
He's probably gone back to his ex, if he ever left her at all, so he's done you a favour, seeing as you didn't dump him when you should of.

Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 14:28

Been separated for years and live in different cities. Their children are at University so not little

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2020 15:07

Soooo, the ‘kids’ are at Uni, so are actually adults, and he has been away with them and the ex wife without mentioning this to you - have I got that right? No, just no. He is using this minor so-called lie you told as a handy excuse. You won’t see it now, but you really have had a lucky escape here.

changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 15:20

@Sadsadsad20

Been separated for years and live in different cities. Their children are at University so not little
So he has a double life and uses them as an excuse. I bet he sees other women
Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 15:48

@Purplecatshopaholic handy excuse for what?

@changedmynameforChristmas if I found this out I would be devastated

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 15:58

The holiday together was before we met but there have been others where he’s just been away and she will join at the end.

I’m clutching at straws probably.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2020 16:21

Hi op. I meant handy excuse to beat you over the head with. To make you continually apologise for. And generally make you feel bad. When in reality it’s a minor point, and it’s his behaviour you should be focusing on, not yours.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 16:35

How long were you together op?

I think if a relationship has come to an end, you need to grieve it and it will take time, the easiest way is to go no contact. Continuing contact keeps the pain going, and some sort of hope it will change. 💐

Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 16:56

We were together for 4 years.

Yes we have been having the same issues for so long and each time it gets to this point I send a long message and we go around in circles. I have no resolve and that in itself makes me feel pathetic.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/12/2020 17:29

He is using your lies as an excuse to blame you for whatever he has been doing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2020 18:03

@Sadsadsad20

We were together for 4 years.

Yes we have been having the same issues for so long and each time it gets to this point I send a long message and we go around in circles. I have no resolve and that in itself makes me feel pathetic.

This isn't what 'the one' looks like. Not that I believe in the concept of only one person perfect for you. The truth is this is a relationship that started off rocky and as you say has had issues the whole time. That isn't the benchmark for a healthy happy relationship. You need to grieve as a PP said but try not to put it on a pedestal as it sounds far from ideal and because it's over you're romanticising it.
Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 19:07

I am very jaded and cynical myself so this relationship blew me out the water and it was as romantic as I’ve made it sound which is the trouble.

Grieving this is like grieving a bereavement it’s devastating

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2020 19:10

I am very jaded and cynical myself so this relationship blew me out the water and it was as romantic as I’ve made it sound which is the trouble.

But that was my point, it doesn't sound romantic from outside, it sounds unhealthy with underlying issues throughout.

My meaning was you have romanticised it, turning it into a big love story of 'the one' when actually it was a relationship that didn't work, and of course that's sad, but there were issues from the very start and it's not viable long term.

Original poster
Sadsadsad20 · 16/12/2020 19:14

I didn’t even grieve like this after a departed from
The dcs dad and that was REALLY tough but there wasn’t a love like this there. It’s hard to explain or even understand myself really.

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