Smug Married Friend

[Lomita277]

So, it is now a year that I have been formally separated from my husband, who was deceitful and cheated and lied to me this time last year. He basically went out looking for a new partner (after being married to me 22 years and 2 DC 17 and 19). I have had quite a year, but have focused on developing myself, being positive, and adopting healthy and affirming attitudes and habits.

In spite of that, I have one friend/colleague who infuriates me with her condescending attitude. This colleague constantly speaks to me like she feels sorry for me. Every Friday she asks me what I am doing at the weekend and says how it will be so good for me to get away or to do this or that. To be honest, I could sit at home relaxing by myself and be totally happy. She is always saying that I need to do this or I need to do that. At the same time, she is very high maintenance and needy and constantly talks about how her husband does all the cooking at home, or he rewards her with lovely trips away. In reality he makes all the decisions in their marriage and she has to tow the line.

I know it sounds jealous and most days I can ignore it, but it is starting to wear me down as I really have spent so much time working on myself. I am sure she means well but the way she is treating me clearly is defining me as "poor you who were abandoned by your husband" instead of "what a brilliant survivor you are". I hate that!!!! Should I speak to her?

Personally, I wouldn't. She's lacking emotional intelligence at best...it's just how some people are.

Hello. God that would annoy me too!! Your journey sounded fabulous until you moved on to the bit about her!

I think it's time to distance yourself. And not detail your weekend. As time goes on, your life is going to blossom and you with it. I must admit tho, you could say one day 'do you mind not being so patronising? I'm having the time of my life to be honest!' Preferably as you prepare your desk for two weeks of annual leave to somewhere exotic and interesting.

That sounds really irritating. Grey rock her, don’t give her the details she wants and try as much as possible to keep her at arms length.

If the friendship has value for you, talk to her and explain how offensive you find her condescension. If not, just cut her out of your life. Part of moving forward, improving your life and being the best person for yourself, is know who to cull in the friendship department

Cant you say, I’m quite happy thanks and smile?

Could you in return push the smug single person who isn't ruled by anyone and can do what you like, when you like. Tell her he did you a favour and you are enjoying your life much more now.
This is more about her and her life really, she may well be suggesting things to you that she wishes she could do herself but can't. When you reach a point of being able to brush off what she says, that will be when you have healed and got over things. You are still sensitive and fragile, after a long relationship, it will take at least a couple of years. Meantime, cut conversations short with her, change the subject. One day, things like this won't bother you.

Fix her with a Paddington stare and say 'why do you say I "need" to do x or y?'

Just tell her you don't see it the same way and would find it more helpful if she said X instead. A good friend will take it on board. She is unlikely to be trying to annoy you deliberately, but trying to be helpful.

I have the same thing with a girl at work, she seems to think being married to her manchild husband is the most important thing in the world and it makes her more important 🙄 yet spends the weekend scrubbing skidmarks and being made to watch him on the Ps4.

You don’t need this shitty attitude, just smile and nod, then boast about the brilliant things you can do at the weekend!

You owe her no explanation for anything.

Change the topic every time she pries or acts like her marriage is the greatest ever. People in great marriages don't have to talk about them and brag like that.

Change the topic or use the sorry, did you say something. I wasn't listening.

Challenge her every time she makes a comment. ‘Why do you think I need to get away?’ ‘Why do you think it will be so good for me to do x?’ Say, with an air of deep concern, ‘You seem awfully preoccupied with my weekends — is there something wrong at home? Do you want to talk about it?’

Having said that, we all play a part (over which we generally have little control) in other people’s personal narratives, and they in ours.

I have never succeeded in dislodging from my SIL’s mind the completely false idea that having only one child has been a tragedy for me, that I was broken-hearted that he wasn’t a daughter, and her current obsession is that we should get a puppy ‘to bring a bit of life to the house’ and as company for DS.

The part SIL, whom I do like, plays in my mind is mostly to wonder how someone sharp can try to act like my personal parenting guru when she has three unemployed adult children she continually discourages from leaving home because then there’s no reason she shouldn’t get a job.

I clicked send too soon.
You could find a boring topic or some new hobby she'd have zero interest in, like ice fishing, air guitar, math contest and then talk to her and drone on about that hobby every single time and I guarantee she will avoid you.

I think colleague is the key word op. Only share at work the bare minimum.

Thanks everybody! I am delighted with the support! I think the best thing to do will be to distance myself a bit from her like you all mentioned. In fairness, there's nothing like a major relationship breakdown to show you who your 100% friends are, who your absolute non-friends are, and the need to downgrade those in the middle sometimes.

I'm happy to say in a nutshell "had a brilliant weekend, went to x place etc etc!!!" One of my two closest friends who has been with me on the journey is very happily married and she doesn't go on and on about it at all!!! She doesn't treat me any differently either even though she is always available to listen, meet up, and have a coffee...

Tell her you've never been happier as you are free to make your own decisions, can do whatever you want and are not answerable to anyone. Perhaps you should say how liberating it is as you've discovered how much you your own company etc.

She is emotionally retarded and will not understand what she is doing is grinding you down. I would distance myself from her and tell her as little as possible without being rude.
When she speaks to you, look upon it as entertainment and smile

Op, I think she sounds like she's trying to be nice but is a bit emotionally unaware. And perhaps you are also a bit jealous because her life with her partner does seem happy. Like others have said, I'd just highlight the nice stuff I'm doing rather than say anything directly to her. I'm saying this as a mother of toddlers who has been alone for ages and happy with my life.

You're incredibly brave and strong, and as I'm going through it myself at the moment I'm preparing for this! I think people see a reflection of their own relationship when talking to those going through separation, perhaps things aren't great for her and she's trying to convince herself that you're having a worse time and she has chosen to stay and having the best time.

Or she lacks the imagination that you can be happy outside of a relationship, plenty of those people around too!

Sorry that should say really...not tea...predictive text.

Febo 24 you are so right. I've encountered this before in other couples where the wife is really insecure. Today's gem she had for me was "so are you dreading Christmas?" And I was like, "no, not at all, it's going to be so relaxing..." My other friend who is going through a divorce at the moment said that some women feel like it is contagious. If they stay around you long enough it's going to happen to them!