I’m at breaking point. Affair?

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

My Dh is a wonderful man. He works hard, provides us with everything we could possibly need and is an amazing dad. Our Dc adore him.

Since the first lockdown (when kids were home) we stopped having sex. His choice. We had it once every 8-12 weeks.

The kids are back at school and we have had plenty of time at home without Dc. Yet we still haven’t had sex. It’s got to the point that it’s awkward. He says he has no sex drive and isn’t bothered about sex.

When I try it on he pushes me away.

In bed when he’s half asleep/full asleep he tries it on with me. He acts like a completely different guy. He grabs my hand and puts it on his bits, he’s confident but he isn’t hard. As soon as I play and he starts getting excited he seems to realise what’s going on and then rolls over.

Last night he seemed to be enjoying it and more awake, I went down on him for literally 20 secs then he told me he had finished and rolled over.

I’m so fed up and feeling so unwanted.

It makes me feel he thinks I’m someone else and then when he realises it’s me he rolls over.

In the morning 99% of the time he doesn’t remember it.

I’m at the point where do I have an affair?

Iv asked about counselling but he doesn’t think there is a problem.

Maybe he's got an STI.
I know it's a long shot. But years ago I got convinced that I had genital warts (I didn't, there were no warts I just have severe health anxiety). Anyway I wouldn't kiss my boyfriend if I could help it. I wouldn't have sex with him. I was going out of my mind. I'd seen a Dr, they had given me the all clear but I was still convinced I had something I could pass on. I was too ashamed to talk about it.
Maybe he's concerned he has something that can harm you?

He doesn’t have an sti.

He hadn’t slept with anyone before me. X

Don't have an affair. It's never the answer.

ED?

Sorry OP, but I cannot follow your logic if I am honest. There are all sorts of reasons why your DP might have gone off sex. In the current crisis depression and erectile dysfunction spring to mind. Sit down and talk these issues through. Going off and having an affair with someone else sounds massively rash at this stage.

You need to tell him that us, there is a problem. Sex is an important part of your marriage and without it, it is impacting you greatly. You both need to go to counselling snd he also needs to see the GP to check out any problems there.

Speak up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting a sexless marriage.

Sounds to me more a case of depression brought on by the lockdown.
Also - how long have you two been together?
If you have been his one and only sexual partner all his life - and he is a naturally introverted person - I can see how being cut off from the outside world interactions with people, being locked in with kids and you - this must be so terribly difficult. And going off sex can be understandable.
As to why it had not changed after kids went to school - it’s also clear in that scenario. Only thing that changed was kids. Adult world hasn’t gone back to any sort of normality. So - if he got depressed and it wasn’t addressed - it won’t disappear magically.

Generally - I do think that it’s incredibly difficult, if not impossible to maintain an interest and excitement in sexual partnership that has people pairing very young and not having had other partners.
Adding to that lockdown challenges and the outcome you are facing seems natural to me.

As to what can be done - not really sure. Talking to him is a must as if he is depressed, hopefully he can realise that and seek help. Addressing challenges of possible boredom and loss of attraction is a whole different story.
Try a book called Mating in Captivity. It has ideas and suggestions for how to maintain sexual ‘newness’/excitement in a long term relationship.

Well hes not being very fair just closing you down by saying he doesnt have a problem. You do. You need to have an honest talk with each other. It could be any number of reasons but you're left guessing and that's not right.
Please dont consider an affair, that will give you more problems and heartache in the long term.

Man her, if your sex life was good before and suddenly stopped I would say this is due to stress/depression - maybe his job is at risk because of lockdown? Or he is worried about elderly relatives? If his lack of libido had a medical or age-related cause it would normally decline gradually, not overnight.

Trying it on when half asleep suggests to me that his urges are still there but they are being suppressed when he is awake by his worries about other things.

You need to talk to him, maintaining a satisfactory sex life in an LTR needs work, it doesn't happen by magic. He needs to be aware of your feelings and you need to look at different ways of satisfying each other. It's a bit worrying that he doesn't think there is a problem, he should realise that if you think there is a problem then there IS a problem.

• man HERE

You sound more motivated by the need to hurt him than to understand him. Do him a favour and leave him.

It’s so strange. Last night he moaned “get on top” while have asleep and tried pulling me ontop. He wasn’t hard or even awake because I just laid then and then started snoring!

What is going on?!

@Whatabambam

You sound more motivated by the need to hurt him than to understand him. Do him a favour and leave him.

What the hell 😂

Do you think he's genuinely asleep during these episodes or is there a possibility he's doing this on purpose to keep you off balance?

I ask because I had an abusive ex who withheld sex to punish and control me. I could be way off base.

If he's not depressed or unwell (and not abusive) , I'd be very honest with him and say that you don't intend to live without sex, so he can either agree to a discreet don't ask don't tell arrangement for you, or he can agree to counselling to try to find a compromise, or you can split. He had no right to unilaterally decide that YOU are going to be celibate for the rest of the marriage.

No, he’s 100% asleep. He’s not anusive and has not a harmful bone is his body. I was in an abusive marriage who would do horrible things to me when I was asleep and this definitely isn’t like that.

I’m 100% sure he’s depressed. He’s so down and grumpy lately but he won’t talk! I don’t know how I’m supposed to get anything from him.

You have your answer then, he's depressed. It's quite common for men to clam up and refuse to discuss their problems, in decades past men were taught to "man up" and not show weakness. Depression leads to performance anxiety which leads to an inability to have sex which aggravates depression. It can turn into a downward spiral. Saying he isn't bothered about sex is just a cover IMO, he is probably very bothered but is forcing himself to "man up" and not admit there is a problem.

Don't make him feel sexually inadequate or get angry whatever you do (I know he is inadequate and he probably knows it as well) but you need to be as supportive as you can whilst also making it clear that the issue needs to be tackled. I would come at this from the depression angle, NOT "I really need a shag and you aren't doing your bit", but perhaps "you haven't been yourself recently, it's a really difficult time, how can I help?". Your relationship sounds great in other respects so it's would be worth investing time and effort to tackle the sex issue.

Putting sex under the microscope is the surest way of loading it up with anxiety which is why “talking it about it” is, IMO, counterproductive - it sucks all the joy out of it. I would not advise endless rounds of “chats” where promises of change come to nothing or he outright denies there is a problem, instead make a one-time-only statement to the effect of:
-There is a problem.
-You are the problem.
-I will not live like this.
-It is on you to fix this.
-You have one week to lay out a comprehensive plan for fixing this or I will consider this relationship a mere cohabiting friendship and act accordingly.
-I’m not going to discuss this again. There is no room to negotiate.

Or you can go to counselling and demonstrate that you’ll put up with the situation forever whilst having your expectations dialled down to meet his because people don’t change out of choice - only when they are forced to.