At what point do I say enough & walk away?

[Justwantthelyingtostop]

This is written in anger so my language may be more abusive sounding than I actually am or would say in real life. I’ve NC’d

Yet again I find out my partner is still in debt. We’re by no means rich but we do ok, all our bills get paid and the kids have everything they need. I do have quite good savings due to a fear of poverty or not being able to make emergency repairs etc. I hate being in debt myself so aside from a low car repayment I have none.

I’m ok with his amount of debt this time, I know he’s shit with money and it isn’t a lot of debt all things considered but it’s the seeming refusal to fix it, the persistent buying when he can’t afford it and the constant lying that he’s solvent when he isn’t, his going to his mum asking for money to help pay off debt instead of just asking me who has more than enough to help and the worst bit is where he’s spending it.

I’d think I’d have more respect for him if it was prostitutes or camsex or gambling or something that’s addictive and brings him joy but it’s not...it’s fucking £8 here and £4 there in Asda and Tesco. It’s not big amounts it’s many many small amounts. We went a few months in lockdown where we had a fair bit left over at the end of each month in our joint account and I was gobsmacked that we were doing so well and saying to him we can save this up for a holiday or something when covid is over. All the while he was running up debt buying fucking chicken and mince or whatever he feels the need to buy in Asda so often on his credit card. It’s laughable... but it’s not funny. I asked why, when we had that money left over at the end of a month, was he not using that to fund his Asda obsession or to pay off his credit card bill and he said because it looked good in the account. WTAF?

I’m so fucking done with this constant lying about debt. He’s still paying off a debt from a flat he lived in 13 years ago when we first met, a debt that he wasn’t even fully liable for because he was too much of a wussy to speak to his old flat mate and ask him to pay his share or to chase the landlord for upping the debt in his name. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve reminded him that my money is in fact our money and if he ever needs it he just needs to say but he never has, he prefers to run to his mummy for help instead and she not only willingly obliges but actively encourages it.

How the fuck does someone live like that in their 40s? It seems like a really stupid thing to end a relationship over but how can I trust him when he lies about it all the time? I’ve asked him so many times not to lie to me and he still does. How can I know if I died that our kids would be safe and provided for?

Through my current anger I do still love him but I’m not sure I can stay with someone this pathetic and weak and who cannot be open with me when he needs something. He won’t let me pay off the debt. I’ve even offered to help manage his money until he gets himself sorted but he refuses. I suggested something like Monzo bank so he can see where he’s spending too much and plan his spending but it’s clearly obvious because it’s all in Fucking Asda. He says he’ll sign up for it tomorrow. He’s been saying that for over a year now.

How many times do you forgive someone for making the same “mistake” over and over and lying about it? Is this worth leaving an otherwise good and loving relationship over?

He's in debt buying chicken and mince? But do you eat it?

A lot of it doesn’t get used in time and thrown out. I struggle to understand the relevance of whether I eat it or not.

At what point do I say enough & walk away?

When you are so fed up you need to ask, that's when you say it's enough. He is like an anchor around your neck, isn't he? I certainly wouldn't live this way.

If he's buying food, is it because he wants more food? A couple of packs of mince a week is what? £10? Could it be that he finds your level of frugality too severe?

I can't imagine his mum would want him to get into debt. Is this a disagreement over reducing meat in the diet.

You do sound a bit controlling. I wouldn't get angry, I'd just stick it in the freezer and reduce my next shop to take account of it.

We are far from frugal, particularly with food. He buys stuff we do not need and already have. It’s not so much the buying but lying about being in debt again after promising never to lie to me again. We have collectively plenty of money, he doesn’t need to be in debt. I don’t see how not wanting him to lie to me is controlling. 🤷‍♀️

He may have gone hungry as a child. He may have a tendency to hoarding compulsive behaviour.

It sounds as if you have already decided you don't want to live with this behaviour, it has affected how you feel about him and he's lost (or never had) your respect.

You can't control his compulsive buying/hiding/lying. It sounds like he's tried and failed to as well. If he's not willing/able to seek help, and you can't tolerate the behaviour then you'd be happier apart.

I find the idea of preferring him to have a compulsion to alcohol/drugs/prostitution/whatever that you think you'd find less embarrassing than buying excess food a bit weird though, all of those might be less unusual, but all more harmful to him and you.

He'd have my pity rather than my scorn, but it matters little in terms of the result as neither is the foundation of a mutually respectful relationship.

Just a sec tho..

It seems to me that each of us has faults that are not very attractive or nice. This is his.

His mother has enabled him and there is a good chance he will never change. Now how could you live with that and minimise its impact?

I once read a book about marriage written by a Christian couple and it had some very good advice about money. It said often there is a difference in ability to manage it well and in fact the man in this couple was the bad one there. After many arguments they realized they needed to act like a team and each task be dedicated to the person best suited to it. So she took over the money element and he did holidays, DIY and the garden.

Now your guy wont let you take over, but could you compromise somehow, say you want oversight of his situation at the end of every month? It is not ideal and would be better if he could do it himself, but if you minimise the impact of his fault, the problem wouldn't get so bad?

His my ex would do this.

He'd 'nip' to Tesco every other day at least and spend maybe 20 quid ish. Cleaning products abs bits n bobs were his favourite, packets of biscuits, air fresheners, a few pairs of socks, Diet Coke, cheese and bits of food.

Of course he'd put it all on his credit card (I have no idea why as we had money in the joint account for food)

But if course £120/£170 ish a month adds up to well over a grand a year, plus other odd and sods. I could never understand why he always had a credit card bill that he could never get rid of.

It doesn't matter whether other people would tolerate this behaviour or not. We're not in your shoes.

Everyone has flaws and challenges in their lives, as I said above this particular one seems less harmful to me that the other things you mentioned. But the lying/hiding/debt are similar problems.

As to the "is it worth throwing away an otherwise good and loving relationship" thing your answer is going to be another question "can I tolerate this set of behaviours I don't like without it affecting whether so experience this relationship as good and loving".

Because you can't segregate your scorn or mistrust in a grocery shopping corner. It affects how you feel about the rest of him and your lives together.

What's his background like op? I appreciate you've said upfront that you're writing in anger and fair enough. But from what you've outlined it sounds like he's a man who fears confronting authority and going without food.
Is there anything in his background that suggests he has reason to fear those things? If so, money is the presentation of a problem, not the problem itself.

Who does the weekly food shop, him or you? If it's you and he's buying needless stuff on top, could you just buy less and factor in that he's going to get stuff along the way.
Unless he's a low earner, I'm wondering how a few quid here and there at Asda would be enough to put him in debt. There may be more here than you know, he might be skint because he's servicing bigger past debts than you know.
You refer to him as your partner, so if you're not married, then your money is not his money too, which under the circumstances, is just as well.
He needs therapy, it's all weird behaviour from him but deeply ingrained after 40 years so he's not going to be able to change without professional help.

This is my ex. He too would continuously buy shit even when we had plenty in. He too would ask his father for money which I found incredibly embarrassing. My ex would spend a lot on lottery tickets, take outs - just wasting money.

In lock down we had £1000 extra a month because he couldnt eat out, buy shit. If my ex knew I had saved money there would always be some reason he needed it. Parking tickets, old debts resurfacing, bailiffs knocking on my door because a £70 car parking tickets had now turned in to £600 ( had a few of those)

BUT the biggest issue here is the lying. Not the debt. There will be so much more you don’t know about. He lies to you because he thinks he is cleverer than you and can get away with it. He doesn’t respect you. He probably sees you as a nag.

My was a ‘great’ guy. Fantastic father. But would happily look me in the face and lie. With absolutely no shame.

I grew up. He didn’t.

It almost sound like a compulsion in which case I'd suggest he go for counselling if you'd think he'd be receptive/you can afford it.

Otherwise you need to think long and hard about whether you're prepared to put up with this forever.