Struggling to move on with my ex

[Catlo]

My ex and I were together for 5 years, it was a bad relationship, very toxic but I loved every bone in his body and I still do (god knows why!)
He's since moved on but I have to see him (when he shows up) as we have a baby together.
Everytime I see him, he tells me he still loves me but he wouldn't get back with me and he always flirts and makes comments. I've asked him to stop as quite honestly, this breaks my heart and confuses me. Why would you be with another woman if you're telling me you love and care for me?
I know that we weren't happy together.
What I need is advice on how to stop being so upset, angry and to stop thinking about him 24/7. I have completely broken down and embarrassed myself with him, literally begging for him to come home.. And when I stop, around he comes telling me he has feelings for me and I'm back where I started.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post but it stops me from messaging him! 😂

Block him except when he has your child with him
Get yourself a new man
Flirt with other men, so you can get attention elsewhere, it doesn't have to lead to anything
Give yourself time

If it was a toxic relationship then you may need therapy to work through your feelings and emotions around him. You say you know you weren't happy together - write down a list of all the reasons why and refer back to it when you start to look at the past with rose tinted glasses

"I have completely broken down and embarrassed myself with him, literally begging for him to come home.. And when I stop, around he comes telling me he has feelings for me and I'm back where I started."

'Back where you started' is where he wants you . He wants you to want him, it strokes his ego and makes him feel powerful; and he'll say "he still loves me but he wouldn't get back with me and he always flirts and makes comments' to keep you - back where you started. It's deliberate. It's cruel. It's a total mindfuck.

"I've asked him to stop as quite honestly, this breaks my heart and confuses me."
He wants to confuse you. It makes it easier to manipulate you and upset you. He enjoys upsetting you, it proves he has power over you, and that's all that matters to this arsewipe.

"Why would you be with another woman if you're telling me you love and care for me?"
Because he doesn't mean it. It's all just part of his toying with you, to feel powerful.

'What I need is advice on how to stop being so upset, angry and to stop thinking about him 24/7."
Look at what you said - "I loved every bone in his body and I still do (god knows why!)" What is there about him that is loveable? Serious question. Put it into words - for yourself, not for me. Write them down. Can you? Is there anything that you can point at and say - 'that's why I love him'? It can't be how he treats you. It can't be his kindness. It can't be his respectfulness. So what is it? Write it down. Is there anything on that piece of paper in front of you? Any words at all, or just an undefined vague longing for him?

I'd suggest that your 'love for him' is no such thing. It's a longing for the person you thought he was, the person you thought he'd be with you, the person that he isn't, never was and never can be. You're in love with an idea of him, not him. You need to separate them in your mind, him and your idea of him. They're not the same, not the same at all. Have regrets for the person he made you imagine, but keep reminding yourself that this person in front of you, saying these things to you to keep you unbalanced, is not the person you long for. That person is an illusion who looks just like this arsewipe in front of you.

Is there someone else who can be there when he does the pick up and drop offs and that way you don't have to see him?

He is boosting his ego, keeping you hanging by telling you things he doesn't mean. You need to move on. If he really lived you he would have tried harder to make the relationship less toxic. You need to stop letting him see that it's getting to you and find yourself a nice bloke!

He shows up? Do you mean you don't have organised contact time and he comes to your house when he feels like it? Are you expected to be there when he sees the baby?

You need to put a stop to this. Set contact times with a friend or family member to do the handover.

Thanks for the advice everyone, access with our child is complicated, he doesn't take her alone. He's spent so little time with her he has no idea how to care for her and she has no idea who he is. He's untrustworthy and unreliable so the set contact we did have was supervised visits as advised by my health visitor.
He would then not show up, we would wait all day and.. Nothing.
The only person I trust with my daughter who knows her well enough is my mum, he wouldn't do supervised contact with her present.

I know.. Another reason I shouldn't want him back 😂 I've been told many times to just let him go through the courts for access but he won't I know he wouldn't want to waste time money and effort to do so which is very upsetting.

I think you're right, I like the idea of him, the dad, the family man, someone who is caring loving and supportive but he ticks absolutely none of those.
I met someone else and for 3 months or so it was very nice but I broke it off because I still had feelings for my ex, I didn't think it was fair to lead someone on. Although it was nice, it just made me think about my ex even more weirdly!

You need to cut ALL contact with him. Can you arrange for him to pick up and drop your child back to somebody else's house?

do you think it could the case of toxic lust? You just loved him as a lover and then try to imagine all the good character traits which weren't there?

As pp said, he definitely loves the control / power that he has over you, notice how he starts with his flirting just when you withdraw a bit. Puppet on a string he wants, very common for such people.

"Thanks for the advice everyone, access with our child is complicated, he doesn't take her alone. He's spent so little time with her he has no idea how to care for her and she has no idea who he is. He's untrustworthy and unreliable so the set contact we did have was supervised visits as advised by my health visitor. He would then not show up, we would wait all day and.. Nothing. The only person I trust with my daughter who knows her well enough is my mum, he wouldn't do supervised contact with her present."

"SHE HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS". So stop letting him fuck her life up. She doesn't need this mindfucker in her life. Your job is to protect her, and that includes from her sire (I will not call him her father). As she grows up and starts to see you letting this arsewipe mess you around, what will that teach her? How will that affect the relationships she forms later in her life? Stop it now, for her sake as well as your own.

Why are you facilitating contact between your daughter and this man? Do you think being biologically related automatically means he's a good presence in her life regardless of his behaviour?

He has been in touch today and I have suggested that supervised visits be done through my mum and that zero contact should be made between us in order for me to heal and get on with my life!

I suppose giving him that option means the balls in his court in terms of contact with our daughter and its essentially taken out of my hands. He's not responded, so I suppose that says it all.

I'm terms of us, I think yes there was a hell of a lot of "lust" we had a huge sexual chemistry, something that I've not had before, I think he uses that to his advantage. I can only try to put into motion a plan that stops me from having to constantly revisit the pain. If he chooses to ignore that plan then he only has himself to blame for not seeing her. I really don't think it's about our child, when I suggested visits via my mum, he said I'm being difficult, it seems keeping the lines of communication open between us is far more important than seeing his daughter.

Thanks for all of your advice, sometimes I tell myself these things but hearing it from outsiders who know neither of us makes me feel far less barmy! I begin to believe I'm wrong because he says it so much. Now I know im just human 😊

Whether through your mum or not.. just tell him you dont want him at your house anymore. Could be somewhere in public, at your mum's or he takes her to his place as most dads do. To be honest, if he is that unreliable you have every right to stop bothering with him altogether. If he cba to show up for his daughter, what kind of father is he anyway? The kind who'll probably only hurt her in the future by not caring.
Whatever you do, put a distance between you two and ACT like you are indifferent to him (even if you feel otherwise). He needs to know or at least think that he has no influence over you, that you and your daughter wont be just sat around waiting for whenever he feels like visiting.

Yes I have told him I will no longer supervise contact.
I've had no response which only makes it very clear what his motives are behind it all.
I can't let him have my daughter unsupervised, he's never spent 1 evening with her alone, she's over 15 months now, he is very untrustworthy. I would need to see real consistency to even consider him taking her but he only sees her once every 2 or 3 months for a couple of hours and then off he buggers for a while!
I think, if he really wants to see her, he will contact my mum and arrange it through her.

I need to move forward now, I've been going round in this circle for far to long!