Can't be myself around DHs family.

[Elderberrie]

DHs family have always had a habit of contradicting each other and more lately, contradicting me. Primarily its MIL and SIL doing it.
It doesn't matter what I say, they will find a way to disagree with me or find fault in what I'm saying. More recently it has been around DC2 as I've been finding his tantrums quite difficult. MIL asked me how his behaviour was for me over the weekend when I collected him yesterday from their house, I explained that it had been testing and I thought DH and I needed to be firmer with him. That we are working on it. She responded with the whole "He's only 3.." "He's always well behaved for me..." "He's just too intelligent for his age and needs more stimulation..."
It isn't the first time she's underhandedly knocked my parenting.
I've learned not to initiate conversation with them, not to give opinions, to be on my guard.
But I'm a naturally chatty, outgoing person and I am finding that I just can't be myself around them at all as a means of protecting myself from the contradictions and undermining. Or I speak up and get metaphorically hammered down again.
DH pulls MIL up when he notices her doing it, but it doesn't stop her doing it again.
The DCs have asked to spend Christmas day with them since they know that we can bubble up for christmas. I have agreed that we can see them but for only a proportion of the day and that I am not eating with them.
Any tips on how I should behave to prevent MIL making the time we spend together so miserable?
If I'm my chatty self, I feel like I'm being constantly condescended, but sitting there being all quiet and appeasing doesn't fill me with much happiness either?

I would change your mind and spend Christmas at home with your own family. Don't bubble with such horrible people like MIL or SIL; leave them to stew in their own juice.

You are the parent here and you get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your children that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that they get to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Covid restrictions may further be of use here if these come into being over the festive season.

What was life for your H like growing up in that house?. I would try and find out a bit more about this.

At least here your DH has some awareness of what his mother and sister are like and that he does pull up his mother on her bad and disrespectful behaviour towards you as his wife (and in turn him). You and he need to present a completely united front and let him continue to deal with his mother and sister. Its not your fault or your DHs that his family are dysfunctional and this emotionally unhealthy. They would have behaved the self same regardless of whom he married.

Where is your DH's father here, I ask only as he is not at all mentioned.

Employ firm and consistently applied boundaries re these women; work out exactly what is and is not acceptable to you here. Once you've properly done this then you can apply these boundaries consistently. Be assertive in their presence if you do see them; ask them outright, "did you mean to be so rude?". You would likely not tolerate this from a friend so do not tolerate this from bullying and otherwise nasty relations. If they cannot behave decently or treat you with respect and with decency then none of you should be seeing them. Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

To be honest, the example you gave about your MIL and her view on your son doesn't sound that bad to me and is just an opinion I'd ignore or shrug off. Who cares if she thinks he needs more stimulation when he's your son and you/DH choose how to raise him regardless of what they say??

Do your in-laws happen to come from another country or culture? In my experience, British people can be extremely sensitive and take offence at things that most cultures would just shrug off (as people from other cultures tend to be more direct with each other anyway so there's no need to read imagined slights or underhand agendas in what someone's saying).

Your in-laws could also just be very opinionated people and vocal about what they think, and if you're not someone who's like that (I'm not myself) then it can come across as rude and annoying but often such people don't necessarily mean to offend, they're just vocalising their opinion out loud and are not afraid to disagree strongly with someone.

Fair enough if your personality styles clash and you wouldn't choose to hang around them that much normally, but it's unnecessarily dramatic and selfish to curtail your kids seeing their own extended family at Xmas when Xmas is all about family and it's literally just one day! It's also your DH's own family too and I'm sure he'd love to spend Xmas day with them.

I would rise above it and shrug it off. If she says anything more about your DC just smile and nod along - then totally ignore her and parent how you see fit! Christmas day is a tough one, can you just avoid her and SIL? Not totally ignore then because that'll be rude but just a brief 5 mins with each and then circulate with other family members? Or take the lead with DC so you are 'occupied' and can't really chat to them?