AIBU - leaving my mum alone for Christmas

[openwaterswimming]

My mother is in her mid-60's. We have a difficult relationship to put it mildly. I had a traumatic childhood partly as a result of her actions but we are on speaking terms and I wanted her to have a good relationship with her grandchildren so I facilitated that as best I could.

She would usually visit us or us visit them every few months (she lives a few hours drive from us). It was always fairly fraught but occasionally we get on ok. She is very negative towards me, never can say a single positive thing about me or my choices. I'm not perfect but despite a difficult upbringing in relative poverty and having experienced abuse and trauma I got through college, worked hard, got a PhD and now work as an academic. I'm happily married and have two children. But she never seems pleased for me, quite the contrary she seems spiteful and resentful. Makes it perfectly clear she favours my younger sibling who lives abroad. Criticises what I do, criticises my husband, my house, my car...everything.

Anyway I am also aware that she probably has underlying mental health issues that are untreated. I have raised this, gently, over the years but she gets very defensive and refuses any suggestion to seek help. I am also aware that Covid19 has had an impact on her mental state. She is very anxious. Watches the news all day, never sees anyone. She had no friends, family other than me or any support bubble of any kind. I know she has seen nobody for most of a year.

Anyway I was happy to have her here at Christmas and just focused on trying to make it a joyful affair. I already work full time with two kids so as you can imagine I don't have a lot of mental or emotional energy to deal with constant negativity so I asked her if she visits could she could try and be positive towards me. She got defensive ("whats your problem?" etc - it is always, always my problem). I said it would be great if you could just try to be nice to me, not criticise everything I do, make me feel like crap. She just grunted and said "I don't know".

I've told her I don't want her here unless she can treat me with respect. Is that a horrible thing to say to ones mother? I know she won't reply to me out of stubbornness, will not visit now unless I apologise. She just seems to want to drag me down. But this means she will be alone for Christmas, wallowing in her anxiety and negative emotions, so I will feel awful.

Any advice appreciated.

No advice but I too have a hyper critical mother. Good on you asking for her to treat you with respect, it is a totally normal thing to expect from your mother.
Mine sounds just like yours constant relentless criticism, volatility and manipulation. I am never having her for Christmas again, no big scene just relentless criticism of me, my food, the kids, presents everything she is bilious. I am one of three and my eldest is having her and my dad for Xmas. She is dreading it and the onslaught
If your mother can't behave don't have her over let her Stew in her own cruel juices. The damage to my self esteem is terrible I honestly can't think of a time ever when she was kind or said something nice to me even as a child. I am 50 next year and not interested in being the target of her crap anymore, wishing you luck xx
Ps she is horrible to all 3 dd

You sound very reasonable op. You've given her a choice, she's welcome to come if she doesn't behave like a dick. The ball is in her court.

I sympathise with you. My mum is the same. I am an only child so it all falls to me. Mine is really miserable. criticises everyone and everything. suggest everybody is out to get you. Never sees the positive in anything only the negative. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. All the decisions I make are wrong.

Gave me no support after I found out on holiday that my ex partner was having an affair - just told me she never liked him with an I told you so attitude. At that point I made little contact with her - I didn't need any more negativity to be honest.

I then decided to retrain in another career. It was a big decision. I had been in a very demanding role for over 20 years and always told myself I wanted to try another career before I retired. When I told her what course I was doing she stated "What a waste of money". I told her not to worry about it and hung up the phone. I was done with the negativity. I didnt speak to her for months but did encourage my 10 year old dd to text and speak with her nan. Even my dd didnt want to stay with her because she is so negative.

Eventually, she realised I wasn't going to put up with her sarcastic comments and she made contact with me. When I first visited her after several months of having no contact she was interestingly happy although didnt ask me about my new career which I am loving. I think it taught her a lesson. If her negativity starts again I'm doing the same thing.

Don't let her bring you down. I'm 50 and she now knows that I am not putting up with anymore of her criticism and life sucking comments. Good for you for standing up to her. If she cant change her behaviour I don't blame you for not having her at christmas, maybe get the kids to text her or something similar on christmas day. Just wanted to let you know you're not on your own with this situation!

leave her to it, she is young enough to spend a day on her own, whatever you do will be wrong, if she visits she will ruin the day, if she doesn't then that will also be your fault. i haven't got time for this manipulative, jealous petty type of behaviour anymore, no wonder she has no friends, she might just drag everyone down and there's only so much people will put up with. i wouldn't bother apologising, if she does decide to visit then just carry on having a lovely day, if she starts her nonsense then get dh to tell her to go home.

I think you have acted more than reasonably here and you've likely tried with her all your life too. Its ok now to stop trying with your abusive mother.

You do not mention your dad at all here; is he in your life now?.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. She is also an appalling example of a grandmother to your children so why would you want her at all around your children?.

Toxic parents like your mother more often than not make for being toxic as grandparent figures too. If your H's parents are nice and are importantly too emotionally healthy, concentrate your efforts further on them rather than her.

Its more than ok now to detach completely and drop the rope she holds out to you and that you hold for your own self.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Probably not but your boundaries re your mother need serious work.

Your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your mother has likely made you ask her to come to your house at Christmas (well this and your own empathy; a trait your mother completely lacks). You perhaps hope even now that she will change and somehow be a better mother or say a fulsome sorry to you; I am sorry but that will not happen. You are going to have to let go of all and any residual hope that she will change and or say sorry. She has no remorse and such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. What if anything do you know about her own childhood; that often gives clues. Pound to a penny her own childhood was abusive and when it came to you she repeated with you what she saw herself. She has never ever sought the necessary help, with abusers its always someone else's fault rather than their own.

Keep her out of your lives completely, she should not get to use you as her audience now. There's really good reason why she has no friends either, such people are put off by her altogether or are otherwise driven off.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and I would also urge you to read and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Thank you for the replies, I feel better. Also thank you @attilathemeerkat for the thread recommendation it actually seems like exactly where I am coming from.
Why do people end up like this I wonder? Do you ever get scared it'll be you? I often think how can she be so self-unaware (if that's a word!)? I make excuses like she was doing the best she could under difficult circumstances, and that is the line she has always gone with, but where is the divide between doing the best you can and not doing a bloody good enough job? Parenting is hard, very hard. Did people of the last generation not have the knowledge we do of, say, mental illness? She's educated and not very old, why would she always assume its my problem and never ask what she could do to make things better? Something that always bothers me is why, if she knows I had a tough childhood and came out the other end, why wouldn't she now be trying to make it up to me, make my life easier rather than drag me down? If I had failed my children like she failed me I would be trying to do anything to make amends.
I realise now, having had my own bout with depression after DD2, that she has had depression for my entire life. But she would never get help...she absolutely denies there is anything wrong.

Hi openwaterswimming

Re your comment:-

"If I had failed my children like she failed me I would be trying to do anything to make amends".

And that is why you are and will never be like your mother even though many adult children of such toxic parents have this fear. You have two qualities also that your mother completely lacks; empathy and insight.
I am a separate person from my pretty much childlike and somewhat disinterested parents and I am absolutely not an extension of them.

Sometimes parents are abusive to their children because abuse was meted out to them by their parents. Instead of seeking the necessary help for their own selves they go onto harm their kids. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose the low road. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.