My estranged father’s neighbour - overstepping?

[FreshEggs]

I have been NC with my father for three years now. LC with my mum.

It’s a very long story but the past events involving my dad includes his alcoholism, painkiller addiction, domestic violence towards my mother, domestic violence towards his subsequent vulnerable partner. Cuckooing that partner (getting his name on her council tenancy and then physically abusing her until she moved out and he got the flat). That partner had schizophrenia and had committed infanticide yet this info was kept secret from me and my husband (we had an 18 month old when we found out and the whole family kept it secret. I found out online. Presumably he didn’t want me to realise that he had targeted someone so very vulnerable).

Eventually after a few more years of me being screamed at whenever he couldn’t get enough painkillers, manipulated with suicide threats into buying him illegal drugs, sneaking opioids into hospital for him and all sorts of other dumb things that I did for him... plus some extremely dark texts that no father should ever send a daughter, we are NC (he cut contact with me when I had a nervous breakdown).

I have been trying to heal but it’s hard. I am suffering from debilitating anxiety at the moment and I’ve got psoriasis spreading all over the place. I’ve had lots of therapy and EMDR for the trauma of witnessing the DV and the suicide attempt). My DC especially teen DS have been through a lot of stress in their young years and in the womb and regretfully DS suffers with a selective eating disorder. (I blame myself for this, that I did not distance myself earlier and his early life was such chaos).

So now my father is in his 70s and apparently bedbound, (I suspect the opioid abuse might have contributed) I have been on the receiving end of a lot of people trying to get in touch with me ‘as it is my duty as his only child to be his carer’. I have maintained strong boundaries so far but a particular neighbour of his is causing me great upset. I don’t know her at all. She turned up on my doorstep on our anniversary earlier this year. My husband was polite to her and said we are estranged and she left him her number.
She has since posted photocopied pictures of my dad through our door which we ignored.

Now she has sent my DS Xmas and birthday cards (nothing for DD) from my father with stickers stuck all over the envelope saying NO ONE SHOULD HAVE NO ONE. I felt this overstepping the mark to do this to a young teen that you don’t even know.

I found her number and asked her to refrain from sending him these things directly addressed to my child as she doesn’t know the full story, and it is us as parents who have decided on the NC with his grandfather therefore it’s inappropriate to try and guilt trip a child in this way.

Well, I have received a barrage of texts saying that she sticks stickers like that on all her outgoing letters, no one has ever complained before and if I don’t like it it is my problem. She wants my DC to see the stickers because she wants to teach them to not be cold and heartless like me, and not to abandon old people. She doesn’t care for my backstory or illness and she will do as she sees fit.

I’ve blocked her number and been sent home from work for crying but I’m feeling absolutely ill with it all. I realise I will always look like the bad guy who is no contact with her elderly father but I am just one human being who has reached their limit with it all. My father has sisters and nieces. He also has an estranged brother and lots of ex partners who know exaxtly how bad he can be.

I’m sorry this has been such a long post. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m never going to have peace am I? I just want to live a quiet life free from chaos.
I don’t know what I’m asking for, I just feel broken. I feel like quicksand trying to pull me down into all the dysfunction again.

I was 2 years NC with my dad when he passed away. I too was the recipient of many unwanted comments and opinions from people who knew nothing about my relationship with my father, yet still insisted I should mount my white horse and ride in to save the day in his time of need.

My dad sexually, physically and mentally abused me. He literally robbed me of my childhood. He told me I would never live long enough to get my drivers license because the world was going to end by nuclear annihilation. He made me model my swimsuits for him and his friends when I was 12.

I still spent most of my life being his emotional dumping ground and sole source of comfort until I could literally take it no longer at age 44. The last thing he ever said to me was that I was stupid and hung up on me. He became terminally ill not long after.

Every person who avoided him his whole life and very happily dumped him off on me told me I'd have to quit my job and wipe his ass full time until he died.

I told them I'd paid my dues for 40+ years and it's their turn and stopped responding. You owe your neighbor and your dad nothing OP. I wish I didn't waste my life on that man. If you see her around again call the police. She has no right to abuse you or your family. Your dad's siblings or niece's can help him, you did your part.

Stay strong. You are completely in the right. If you can pay for a solicitor to send her a letter telling her to refrain from contacting you and your family. Or get the police to go and have a word. This person is way out of line. Look after yourself and remember that you are doing this for your children as well as yourself. Don't feel even a smidgen of guilt, you are completely doing the right thing.

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it really helps. Yes, in a way we have all played a game of hot potato with him as he is SO abusive and difficult that it’s difficult to endure him. I am the constant though, I’ve had the front row seat my whole life.

I too have been his emotional dumping ground. He spent nearly 20 years since making me witness the overdose threatening suicide to me, sometimes in a rage but mostly in quiet conversation. Phoning me up while I’m cooking dinner for the kids and telling me quietly about the whiskey and tablets he had all ready for the event. I realised at some point that he was taking pleasure in saying it until I cried (flashbacks etc). He seemed to be satisfied to end the call once I was crying. I started trying really hard not to react to it. But then I’d get the rages from him instead. It made me into his puppet really.

Since being NC I’ve been in touch with my estranged uncle who told me that their own father did exactly the same thing, violence and then suicide attempts to bring the family back in line. Only one day my GF didn’t get his stomach pumped in time and he died. I’ve seen the death cert. My dad was around 30 years old then and his father 63 years old. I struggle to understand how my dad could have gone through that experience only to lay the same trauma on his only child. I feel like I’ve got the generational trauma of two men laying on my shoulders sometimes.

Sorry for tangent! Thanks again for the support

You'll be free from him soon. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You're doing the right thing for you and your family. Definitely contact the police of you so much as hear a peep from her again. X

Like others have said, you owe no explanation to this woman.

Often when people get older and more vulnerable, they just see a poor old soul with no-one. Problem is that people judge and complain about their families not stepping up, having no idea about the past. And they only ever hear one side of the story.

I do wonder if his neighbour has taken on more than she feels able to (probably felt sorry for home) and now is struggling and can't see any way of stepping back, so is taking it out on you. Even if that is the case, she has no rights too - she can get in touch with social services and leave it to them.

Protect yourself and your children - they are your responsibility, not your estranged father.

A self righteous flying monkey can be pretty persistent. It sounds like she’s done this before if she has stickers! I actually doubt she’s physically helping him, I just think she’s got hold of the stirring stick and is happy with that. It would be worth reporting.

I’m sorry OP. Onwards and upwards and all that.

You poor, poor thing this is one of the worst things I've ever heard on here and I can't imagine how traumatic it's been having someone behave this way towards you. This absolutely meets the threshold for harassment and I would urge you to report it as such, as this person obviously has no natural sense of what is appropriate and what is horrifically manipulative. So sorry - please do report or if you don't feel up to doing it yourself, ask your partner to at least get the ball rolling on doing so

Op you need to send a final reply stating that you do not wish to be contacted by her or her flying monkeys regarding your father or it will be classed as harassment and you will be seeking to get a pin served on her with the police then ignore, if she even reply’s follow through op. I’ve had to do it and I believe they thought they could do what the hell they wanted and I was bluffing. The police take this seriously and do not think you are wasting there time. Call the non emergency number and explain that you have requested that this individual stop contacting you and your family but won’t .

@applespearsbears

This is harassment and you need to report to the police

Above all else this ^

Then look after yourself and your family.

I think you should inform the Police .Tell them what you have told us .The elderly woman is completely out of line here.

FreshEggs there is no need to apologize. I am so glad you have reached out for support. I can tell you that since my father has passed, I have no regrets about not going to see him. I found a small measure of comfort in that I finally took control of our relationship and decided how he would treat me in the end, which was that I was not going to give him another chance to treat me horribly. I'd had enough of that. If other people have a problem with my decision, that is their burden to carry because I am at peace with it.

It is between you and your father OP, not anyone else. I also told my family I was terrified to be alone with him, and that is the absolute truth. It doesn't sound like you are safe, mentally or physically, alone with your dad either. They have absolutely no right to expect you to place yourself in harms way when you are in no way qualified to care for someone with his issues. He had his whole life to make arrangements and form relationships to prepare for this.

I grieve the fact that my dad was such a messed up and unhappy person OP, but I don't regret finally standing my ground. I wish I'd done it years ago. I hope the best for you and your family.

Hi Op,

I feel for you I have a toxic relationship with my grandmother which worsened after my parents passed. She's a pathological liar and if she doesn't get her own way tells twisted tails and lies about you to get everyone to turn against you. For a long time I was bitter that no only had I lost my parents but entire family due to them believing her yet again even though she has done this multiple times she's very good at playing the "victim" or elderly in distress. I decided to go NC and I thought the worst thing she can say is I've abandoned her as no further ammo to twist, she's 90 now and I know she probably won't be around much longer and dread the day that people start causing trouble, I constantly get asked do you not want a relationship.... why would I ? I waiting for her "final game play" as I'm positive she will do something in her will to get the final word but just keep saying to myself rise above it. You and your family are worth so much more, if she sends any more letters return them to her address and start getting evidence in case you may need to contact police. X

Oh Jesus no
You are totally right to sack him off
She is utterly deranged
I’d do everything to get rid of her
Personally I’ve scream at her to fuck off , never come back and advise you will report her for harassment
Jesus , he has done a number on her hasn’t he
Stay clear and NO guilt
None
None

Thanks again, sorry to hear others sad tales. No I don’t feel mentally safe from him, I am petrified of him even though I am told he is bedbound. I know it’s really silly to be scared of an elderly person but there’s so many years of it all, there were many times that he was nice too but it was only really when I was a compliant daughter, enabling the addiction etc. I think I learned to people please to keep myself safe.

I am terrified of my dad and my aunts and they are all in their 70s. Tbh I am terrified of this neighbour woman too, just reeling from the animosity she seems to have towards a total stranger. I’m a bit of a wet lettuce really but I’m worn down by it all. I do feel a lot of guilt too, I know it looks terrible to ‘abandon’ an old person but I had a breakdown and he disowned me so i grabbed my chance to be free! Will definitely get police involved if I hear another peep out of her.

I don’t think your a wet lettuce
Please don’t say that about yourself
You’re a survivor with understandable hangover and trauma from year of this abuse

You are right , and I hope the many posts here help give you the strength to assert yourself

You have been strong enough to break a multi-generational cycle of abuse. Your own children are safe.

If the awful neighbour comes back, please go to the police. Keep the card and envelope, and screenshot all messages now, just in case.

Try not to let this prey on your mind and emotions. You know you are doing the right thing.

I wonder if someone is NC with her, and that's why she is reacting so strongly? Her problem, not yours.

You've had good advice already, just another voice from me saying never feel the need to explain - just say 'you don't know the whole story' and that this is harassment from which you gave a right to protection.

Keep a record of any contact and the very next thing - report to the police.

You are amazing to have grown up with this but to provide something so different for your own childre.

You are amazing to have grown up with this but to provide something so different for your own children

You certainly aren't a wet lettuce. You have already found the strength to cut contact with your awful father and have protected your own family that way.

I think you should report this stupid bitch to the police for harassment anyway and get them to warn her off. Why wait for her to do this to you again (she will)?

Your father will have spun her some bullshit sob story which she has swallowed hook, line and sinker and taken at face value. He certainly won't have told her the whole truth, just a highly dubious and sanitised version.

If she has been foolish enough to take on care of him then that is her problem. She should have got adult social services involved.