Relationship with MIL & DH and Grandchildren - are we in the wrong?

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Hi

I've changed my name for this incase anyone in RL reads it but they'd probably guess from the details.

DD is 2 and I'm expecting no2 in December. In conversation with MIL at the weekend She asked if we would call a neighbour to look after DD when I go into labour. DH replied he would have thought he would be calling MIL (at this point phone rings or something that lost that conversation). DH called MIL tonight and during phone call she asked if he was ok at the wkend as he seemed moody, he said he was ok but if anything was probably about her thinking we'd leave DD with a stranger when I go into labour (we know the neighbours to say hello to but not more than that). They had a bit of a row on the phone, MIL says she cannot take a day off work to mind DD when I go into labour as she is a headteacher of a primary school. DH said np, perhaps FIL would come round? MIL said she wouldn't be happy with him doing the drive alone (it's 40 mins) and that at his age (65, retired, very good with DD) we shouldn't be asking that. MIL then suggested that the solution would be DH take DD round to theirs then come back for me and take me to hospital (40 mins in opposite direction to their house, 40 mins back to our house then 40 mins onto the hospital).

My family are 450 miles away and DH's family consists of 2 sisters (one is a teacher living at home, the other doesn't drive so wouldn't be able to come round).

Are we expecting too much? Feel very isolated indeed.

Not expecting too much. It's very odd imho. Don't understand why FIL can't do that drive. Is he generally a frail 65?

Have you got any local friends you could ask instead, 40 minutes away isn't that great anyway!

I don't think you are expecting too much at all. Sad that they can't help their son at such an important time in his life and you as well.

I don't think you're necessarily asking too much but I do think DH appears to be asking the wrong person.

I think he needs to speak to FIL directly and ask him what he thinks about driving over to look after his granddaughter. If he's good with her, and in good health, I don't see why he wouldn't want to do this as he's retired, and it's a one-off very special favour. I bet the woman hasn't even discussed this with him.

2 hours delay in getting to hospital would be most unfair - nor would it be fair on DD or the neighbours to send her there. MIL sounds like she's being ridiculous .... it's almost like she's trying to rain on your parade and put the downer on what should be a happy occasion. Perhaps she's jealous - sily cow.

You are not in the wrong at all! I would be very hurt that she even suggested that. What if you had a quick labour?

If he is not well enough to drive he shouldn't have a license. Hope you find a solution to your problem. You do not need this stress!

well one option maybe for you retired FIL could come round a couple of days before your due date and stay, therefore at your house when needed to look after DD

Alternatively, how long was your first labour? are you a quick 3 hour start to finish sort of labourer or a long slow 24 hours plus sort of gal ? Maybe there would be plenty of time to drop off daughter and still go to hospital?

YANBU (I know you didn't ask that but I thought i'd say it anyway ) I was in virtually an identical situation with family/geography/age of pil/length of drive and they had no problems with being on stand by. I had a c/s in the end but they still looked after dd1.

Sympathy...

It's a vulnerable time for you and dd. I don't think you;re asking for much at all, but perhaps better you know now rather than later. I'll briefly tell my story in a minute, but meanwhile, I suppose you've considered and perhaps rejected the idea of a homebirth ? All childcare problems dealt with - though you'd probably need someone lined up to distract dd at some point, albeit less urgently than if you were dashing to hospital.

My ds1 was 21m when dc2 was due. Mil doesn't drive but happily agreed (as I thought ) to jump in a minicab - she has an account with a local one - and make the 20-30 min journey to us ASAP once she got the call from dh. She seemed totally relaxed about all of this. We even discussed a middle of the night scenario and she seemed happy with the whole plan; to get to us QUICKLY (ds1 was a fastish birth) and look after ds1 until dh got back.

On the day the bloody woman took 3.5 hours to reach our house; I went to hospital and gave birth to ds2 without dh there. She decided to wash her HAIR ffs, after dh called her. Who would have been looking ? Me in the throes of labour, my toddler son, or dh ? Of course not !!
I felt completetely let down. My next 2 children were homebirths and I never again asked for help from my mil, even when on my knees with fatigue.

It was very hurtful as obviously all mils are mothers themselves and I think ought to understand.

In your shoes I'd find someone else NOW. What about a minicab account set up now for the non driving sister in law ?

Thanks for the replies, I sometimes wonder if my pregnancy hormones make me very selfish or unreasonable so hearing your views helps!

no FIL isn't frail at all, he's very fit (plays golf at competition level as a hobby)

I am lucky that we do have some good friends that we have made since having DD (we used to live by my family but relocated the 450 miles 3 years ago), however I would only consider asking 2 of them to take DD (nothing personal just their own circumstances). I will chat to them about if they could do this for us.

No point DH asking FIL directly now since he's sort of left the phonecall on bad terms so MIL will TELL FIL he can't do it. She has been the centre of their family (only child, Father sadly died when he was only 40) and I do think she likes to control everything.

First labour was 12 hours but was told it was this slow because DD was back to back, I would worry about DH driving out to MIL then back to me as he is a great guy but will be on adrenalin rush and I'd worry about his driving.

I also feel sorry for DH, when he came off the phone he said he knew they would drop everything at any time of the day if it was one of his sisters asking for this

Mio - due to complications from DD's birth I can't consider a HB (more so from my psychological point of view, I wouldn't be able to relax remembering what happened with DD). SIL that doesn't drive works fulltime and when MIL tells her about her conversation with DH I know she will not agree to be on standby, DH's two sisters ask how high when MIL says jump IYKWIM.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am just so down that DH's family aren't the support we thought/hoped they would be. My parents have many failings but I can rely on them.

what are the chances of your parents staying with you for a few weeks? or you staying with them?

PP - my family are all 450 miles away and I'm due the wk before christmas (mum is also ill at the moment) so wouldn't be able to stay with us and likewise we couldn't stay with them as too far from our home.

Would anyone else consider leaving a 2 year old with a neighbour they know nothing about? I think that's what disturbing me more - the fact THEY feel comfortable with us leaving DD with a stranger

Well it sounds as though you are expecting too much from your particular PIL.

Don't think you should have asked her to take the day off, tbh. I mean giving her an opportunity to offer is one thing. Assuming she would do it is something else.

Sorry you are feeling isolated though. Perhaps having some time off after DC2 might be some help? Give you time to go to mum & toddler stuff? Trying to be helpful and racking my brains.

No sounds like she is being a right self centred cow...my MIL is fab and would drop everything to come and stay with or get DD or drive me to hospital or whatever I asked ..as would FIL (and he is nearly 70)..and me and H are seperated and I am due Boxing Day.....I would be upfront tell her thanks for nothing but obviously they do not care to be part of your lives

Hmm. I think you have a right to feel disappointed but I don't think you can ask her to take a day off work as it is not the sort of thing she could plan in advance. Perhaps she mentioned the neighbours to try and bring up the fact she wouldn't be able to do it and she was worried you were assuming (and I think you were a bit) she would. I do think she is being odd about your FIL not being able to do it and I am sorry you feel so let down (I know what that feels like). I think you need to ask him directly and explain that MIL has said it will be difficult for him. Give it some time as you and dh are naturally feeling let down at the mo. FWIW I was overseas when I had my dd2 but my Mum is a teacher and it would never have occurred to me to ask her to have dd1 if it was during term time. It would not be an option. I had a friend offer to have dd1 and I was lucky that I knew her and her 3 lovely children and so felt dd1 would be in very safe hands. I didn't know her that well btw.

I have re-read and I think I may sound a bit harsh. Sorry. I know how difficult my second pregancy was emotionally and how worried I was for dd1 about to have her world upside down. I cried buckets, esp as I felt I had no-one to look after her while I had dd2. So yes you have a right to feel very let down but I think you need to swallow that pride, bypass the MIL and ask the FIL or non-driving SIL. Sorry it is not fun is is and an extra stress you don't need.

traffic I certainly wouldn't leave a 2yo with someone they weren't relaxed with. not fair on either; I'd be too worried about my child's potential distress to be able to relax during labour...I saY RELAX BUT YKWIM...YOU (sorry) need to have no outside worries in your head in order to progress as best you can. I don't know about your finances, but have you the time/money to help dd forge a relationship with a reliable babysitter who could be on call for you in december...maybe a neighbour , or a retired person other than your pils ?

i don't think you are being unreasonable, but clearly you can't count on them / her. I'd start making arrangements asap with other people to make sure you're covered.

we've been lucky, we have childminder, Step MIL and close friend all on call, depending on time of day etc.

Sorry I wasn't very clear, we didn't presume she should take a day off work (although to put into perspective she did ask her boss if she could take a Friday off last year so they could get a cheaper holiday), MIL and FIL aren't really individuals - if we needed a babysitter we would ask "them" not directly MIL or FIL IYKWIM? So DH saying he would have hoped to call on "them" meant FIL if MIL was at work etc.

We have a childminder who looks after DD when I work but she is in her 60s herself and tbh I don't think she would be fit to look after the children the following day if we'd had to call her on during the night (during the day would be a different matter).

Please don't get me wrong, I will speak to my two friends and the childminder to discuss with them if they would help us out but up until tonight it hadn't got to that stage. I realise that's our only option now and that's fine, just wanted your opinions on the situation

Just wanted to say thanks for your opinions and advice, I'm going to change my name back now so wont post again on this (my internet access at the moment is very limited so wouldn't be able to check replies very easily anyway).