Newborn baby and leaving DH

[FingersXssd83]

I've completely had enough of my relationship. Together 10 years. Took him ages to propose and want to start a family. I wanted to move things along, by the time he allowed us to start trying, it didn't happen as I had undiagnosed endo. Fast forward 4 years of trying including multiple IVF rounds and we have our baby girl born this autumn.

Husband has a big job, made worse by covid. Hardly saw him during the pregnancy (vast majority of this I was in isolation due to lockdown), baby arrived and he's back to work, leaving little time tor me and the baby. He had the option to scale back at work whilst baby is small but chose not to. Doesn't come up with things to do however limited. No time to watch films. Lots of sat on his phone, talking to people from work out of hours. I have to ask him what few days in the month we can do things (which I then plan) and then he complains that he doesn't have time. Generally full of his own self importance.

Leaves his crap everywhere and always has done - carrier bags and clothes on every floor of the house! Can't clean up after himself without being told what to do. Continually have to 'manage' him. No romance which I don't really expect with a newborn but the lack of effort all round really pisses me off.

Had some bad medical news about the baby recently which has added to stress. Baby will be fine, but we need to get our heads around it, and I have taken this quite badly.

We are arguing like crazy with a tiny baby which isn't great. Can't see things improving, he seems today disinterested in listening and acting upon my concerns to improve the relationship.

Feel so much better when he isn't here.

Can and should I leave him? Baby will stay with me as I will not part with her.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him. Ultimately however, you are going to have to ask your own self why you put up with all this from him let alone get married and have a child by him too. You wanted a partner, not a project.

I would seek legal advice asap rather than leaving this until January.

I hope your baby will be fine going forwards too.

Sorry OP, sending you . Sounds like a very stressful situation, and hope all goes well with your baby.

What strikes me in your post is how much control in the relationship you've allowed your now husband to have. You mention him taking ages to propose and being ready to start a family but you were fully free to leave him at any point then. His actions showed he wasn't in any way invested to the same level as you in regards to the relationship. I wonder why you stayed with a man who from the very start didn't want to commit to you as this is actually the source of all your problems as you. Unfortunately he thinks you're desperate to stay with him since you've stayed so far even when you were most free to leave him, so he has little incentive now to respect you and listen when you're much more tied to him now with a baby.

I would suggest you emphasise to him that you're seriously considering leaving him and at breaking point. Counselling would also help, and I think suggesting that alone would tell him how serious things are. It's a big thing to split now, essentially breaking up your baby's family and there must be a reason why you stayed with him all this time so worth trying to save things. Even in the best relationships, young babies put a lot of short term pressure so things will be at their worst right now but will hopefully improve.

Ignore "as you"

I'm still baffled by people who complain that their DH don't do anything/don't help with their children when they've always been that way.

People don't change. If youve a lazy selfish self important DH who treats you like this, why do you go on and have children with them and expect them to change.

Sorry OP. He isn't going to change. You know that. You need to either start accepting this is your life and forget about being treated with respect or you can take steps to GTFO of there.

You seem to be living in the same house but the marriage part has evaporated. It's sad he doesn't want to try. It could be that he's just like that anyway, or he's so tired and stressed from work he can't even think about it.

If you feel a lot better when he isn't there, that's quite telling. You could try joint therapy but if he doesn't even want to try, there's nothing you can really do about that. If you're serious, start planning life without him living with you.