What does he want?

[GotBeatenUp]

Split with XP over a year and a half ago, LTR, no DC. He was physically and verbally abusive. There was an OW - probably an EA, the 'she's just a friend' he was taking out on dates and buying presents for.

He has been in touch two or three times since then, but I had blocked his number so didn't answer. There have also been messages. I have read them and not replied. The frequency is not often enough to look like stalking, and I think that my on-line presence is private enough to not give much away.

The messages seem innocuous, but the wording jars a little. They aren't chatty or anything, just 'I hope you are ok' type things. Nothing that would encourage me to reply. No apology or anything.

What is he up to?

My initial thoughts are:
He thinks he may have given me an STI.
He's trying to provoke a response.
Plan A fell apart.
He's doing it to upset me.

I have no intention of replying. It hasn't upset me, but as he was violent, and obviously got a kick from stringing me along, I am curious as to what the motives are.

Any ideas?

First things first, have you had an STI check since breaking up with him?

He's undoubtedly a narcissist if he has been that abusive. He's 'hoovering' you. Look up narcissistic hoovers, plenty about it on the internet. He wants to know if you'll reply so then he'll know you're still under his control. It could be for reasons of intimidating you, but could also be attempts at reconcilliation. Narcissists Idealise you, Devalue you, and then discard you and they repeat the cycle over and over. He's testing you to see if you still have feelings for him. You've done the best thing by not replying

Probably testing the water to see how open you are about communicating. Once you start, he will be trying to reel you back in.
He didnt care how you were when he was abusing you did he?
How is he messaging if blocked? Dont give him headspace,block whatever he contacts you on.

Thanks for the replies. There were definitely signs of narcissism, I didn't see them at the time. There were red flags but I think, at the time, I chose to ignore them. Looking back, I'm pretty sure if I had confronted him then, he would have been violent.

He definitely was getting a kick from keeping me dangling like a loyal puppy while he was wooing his 'just a friend'.

It could be hoovering but if it is, it won't work. He does not deserve to know if I am still alive. I'd think it would be more likely to be something like trying to start a dialogue so he could tell me something like OW is now MrsXP or that he and OW are soon to be parents.

Either that or OW has realised that her besotted friend is an ugly, violent, liar and finally persuaded him that she is never ever going to fancy him. - I don't really wish her any harm BTW, but she might have guessed that a bloke who is in a relationship was chasing her even if he was feeding her all sort of lies.

I found the messages in my screened messages folder. They were a bit of a surprise. As I said, he doesn't deserve to know if I am still alive, the only remorse he showed about the violence was that he said the net time he'd do it properly.

He’s just throwing a hook to see if he can catch you again...

But why would he want to hoover me back in after 18 months?

And is that the most recent one is from last week significant? Maybe he want to upset me so I'll have a miserable Christmas?

People are currently bored and lonely. He is likely just needling you to try and get a reaction/ some interaction. None of what he may say is of value to you. Get an STI test to put your mind at rest there.

and keep blocking

It's called 'narcissistic hoovering'. Lots of YouTube videos on it if that helps.

He wants to know he could still have you if he wanted. It might be just you replying would confirm that in his mind and he would vanish again. Or perhaps he would try to reel you in for another fleecing. Maybe because he is low on supply of victims atm due to lockdown. Or sometimes it's because they have heard you are doing well for yourself/are happy, without them and they cant stand that.

And it's not the sti thing. Unlikely he would bother to tell you if it was that. Unless it was a cryptic message to get you to respond to him.

Block him on everything.

Block and put your energy into building your awareness of healthy relationships and good boundaries. You should be your priority, don’t waste headspace on this loser.

He’s an arsehole, that’s all you need to know and remember about him. Do not engage with him at all. There’s no need to.

Stop trying to make sense of his behaviour, or looking for rational reasons for his actions. You will never be able to make sense of his warped and cruel reasoning that he uses to justify his behaviour to himself.

STI test done ages ago, so if he has one it wasn't me. Ugh. the thought of DTD with him makes me feel sick.

I'll try not to think of him - it's kind of nice to think that perhaps he realizes he behaved badly, but narcissists don't feel they're to blame do they, so I doubt it is that. Far more likely that he's after an ego boost.

I have no intention of unblocking him. The wording is what's odd. Like he tried too hard - like trying to sound friendly but no more. They weren't sent late evening or anything.
If they were something like 'Hi Gotty, you ok?' then I might think 'yes, thanks, u ok?' but they are just him saying 'I hope you are ok', and I think eh? what's that about?

People broken into a million little bits don't hoover up very well when they've spent a year and a half supergluing themself back into one piece.

Stop trying to make sense of his messages. Do not give it any more headspace!! That’s how the hoovering works, you spend time looking for the clues, wanting answers, needing to make sense of his behaviour, so you start to get tempted to reply... and then you start looking at social media for clues... and then you think what’s the harm in a vague reply... and so on until you’re hooked. Think of the message as a bloody great juicy worm on a fishing hook. Only once he’s reeling you in he’ll get a whaling harpoon out to use on you. I’d suggest filing the messages in case you need a trail showing his attempts to contact you at all but somewhere that you won’t be tempted to keep looking at them.

Block ignore and think about something else, anything else!

"as he was violent, and obviously got a kick from stringing me along, I am curious as to what the motives are."

You answered your own question really - he liked having you on a string, he wants to arouse your curiosity, get a response, and get you back on his hook so he can gratify himself at your expense further. Simple as that. I would expect him to do this at intervals, for as long as he can get in contact with you.

People broken into a million little bits don't hoover up very well when they've spent a year and a half supergluing themself back into one piece. In theory. But he's still getting into your head, ain't he? So there's that thin end of the wedge.

-Breadcrumbing
-Benching
-Have his cake and eat it too

Thanks Pics. I had to look those up but yeah, I get it.

Looking back, there was lovebombing and gaslighting.

Another thing is that when we disagreed about something and it was his fault, like him accusing me of cheating, I would just go NC, and he would always come running back. I must be clueless.

Worry not wise mumsnetters, I'll stay NC. Thanks for your replies.

Narcs will never forget you and will always try to contact you. Take mine for example. Like you, red flags all over the place...the "she's just a friend" came into play, triangulation, lying, verbal abuse, gaslighting, lovebombing, you name it, he did it. I was naive back then and knew nothing of these personalities and these words that I listed. I know now, I protected myself like you did. Blocked everything. He tried to hoover me back after he finally left for the other woman. I kept blocked. Only yesterday I found an email in my junk folder sent from a new email address from him. Just the usual "hi, I've been thinking about you, how are you?". It made my skin crawl. I blocked him from my life 15 years ago,

“Stop trying to make sense of his messages. Do not give it any more headspace!! That’s how the hoovering works, you spend time looking for the clues, wanting answers, needing to make sense of his behaviour, so you start to get tempted to reply... and then you start looking at social media for clues... and then you think what’s the harm in a vague reply... and so on until you’re hooked. Think of the message as a bloody great juicy worm on a fishing hook. Only once he’s reeling you in he’ll get a whaling harpoon out to use on you. I’d suggest filing the messages in case you need a trail showing his attempts to contact you at all but somewhere that you won’t be tempted to keep looking at them.”

This.