Everything is my fault

[Twinkles23]

Been together with my partner for 16 years. Our sex life has taken a huge nose dive. I feel like my drive has gone. I try to dress up but I find my partner is reactive, and I get bored and take it off. He makes no effort to initiate sex. It always has to be me. I have to turn him on. I’ve told him I need him to be reactive but he never does.
On Friday, I dressed up, he didn’t react at all to what I was wearing so I just took it off. We then have had days of silence and constant digs from him. Today I confronted him about it and he says he’s past caring. I make no effort and it’s my fault our relationship is done. It’s also my fault he doesn’t speak to his family or friends (I encouraged him to speak to them but it lead to arguments so I stopped)

On top of that I lost my grandmother a couple of weeks ago. He’s told me to get on with it, almost like he’s bored of me grieving now.
When I confront him to talk about it he’s not in the mood. Feel like I’m head butting a brick wall, but then he says he is. I’m so confused. Any help?

I’m sorry about your grandmother.

I think your life will improve massively if you leave this man.

So you dressed up sexily for him and tried to initiate, and he blanked you, yet it's your fault for lack of sex?

And he doesn't support you in a time of grief.

He sounds a nightmare.

I’m confused as to why you want sex with this person?
He doesn’t respect you, he’s not kind to you and he sounds horrid.
I’m not usually one to say leave him, but your life would improve massively if you do!

I’m very sorry about your grandmother, I hope you have friends who can support you.

What is the point of him? He sounds a right selfish twat.

Do you know what, I can't believe I'm saying this, as I normally want to hit my computer screen when people say this on here, like it's black and white and really this simple, but .. why are you with this man?

He wants to drop statements like: “it’s your fault our relationship is bad” when I challenge him on this suddenly he doesn’t want to talk. It’s all very confusing. We have three kids together. He said he doesn’t see the point in our relationship and I get what I put in, that’s why I’ve been given the silent treatment for days. I find it very immature for a man of nearly 50.

I have to admit after that exchange I slammed his office door in frustration. He came out saying next time you smash my door like that I’ll smash your face.

I am sorry to read about your grandmother.

Why are you indeed with this man?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it so what is keeping you there with him?. Do not put yourself through another 16 minutes, let alone another 16 years of this shit relationship.

@Twinkles23

I have to admit after that exchange I slammed his office door in frustration. He came out saying next time you smash my door like that I’ll smash your face.

Good god.

Get out before this happens, please!

His silent treatment of you is actually an example of emotional abuse. And he has threatened to hit you. This relationship was well and truly over the first time he abused you in such a manner.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this for them as adults, I would think that no you would not. However, you're showing them that this is still acceptable to you. You and this man should no longer be together under any circumstances.

@Twinkles23

I have to admit after that exchange I slammed his office door in frustration. He came out saying next time you smash my door like that I’ll smash your face.

That should be the end OP. Make it so.

I’m financially dependant on him. I’m a full time carer for our disabled child. I feel pretty stuck. He earns a large salary, and owns the house. We are scheduled to get married next year. Was supposed to be this year but due to Covid we had to move the date. Getting up and leaving isn’t as easy because of our son and his condition. I feel so trapped, and he is so unreasonable. I can never get any accountability.
And yes, I agree. I don’t want my daughter especially thinking this behaviour is normal. I’ve
Told him in the past that the way he behaves towards me, has an impact on how she views men. He disregards it.

This relationship is well and truly over in any case because of the abuse he metes out.

I doubt he will marry you actually, there will be some reason for him not to go through with a ceremony. If you did marry him you will end up divorcing him for his abusive behaviour towards you after a further 12 months; marriage vows mean nothing to abusive people like this man and marriage does not change abusers. He will remain abusive towards you and in turn your kids. Your son will not also thank you for staying with such a man nor your daughter who is also learning from you about relationships. Such men too hate women, all of them.

There is always a way out and I would seek help and support from the likes of Womens Aid. You ultimately need to be on your own with your children.

Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Can you make some plans to leave?

Sounds like this relationship is well past it’s sell-by date. He’s told you clearly that he’s not interested, so why is this continuing? You need to get rid OP, before it escalates any further. Sorry

Have you looked at what benefits you might be able to access as a sole parent and full time carer? It might be that you would be able to manage. You might alao be eligible for social housing.