Not getting along with DH

[mamma3568]

In the last few years since our toddler was born we have been through some upheavals including DH become a SAHD, moving abroad for my job, finding out DS is autistic.

So understandably DH has been through a tough time. I have tried to support him, but he went through a period of about a year when he became really unpleasant - snappy, impatient, angry with me.

This stressed me out too - I felt I hated him and I wanted to separate and after a while I said I couldn't live like this, and he had to make some changes and find a way to deal with his stress. I used up all my annual leave to give him some respite from parenting, he started working freelance and is exercising regularly, which is all helping. He's also being more mindful with his words and tone which I appreciate.

But from time to time, he becomes unpleasant again. Today, DH snapped at me again without good reason. I told him I didn't like it and he maintains its my fault. I was so angry I decided to go back home on my own, so day out ruined.

I find it really difficult to let this kind of thing go in the moment. Until I get a proper apology, I just can't get over it. I don't want to argue in front of DS so I shut down, still looking out for him but I can't engage with anyone, not even DS. I just feel I need to get away from DH or I can't feel normal. Once DH is away, I can relax with DS again. (If I'm the one in the wrong, I can usually talk myself into a sensible mindset and apologise.)

It's partly because of the last year, I tried to ignore the bad moments and bottle up my feelings because DH was going through a tough time. But now even though things are generally better, when we have an argument, I can't smooth things over and try to be fine. And to be honest, things are generally not fine. There is more distance between us. We connect over DS but little else. We can have many good weeks together, but if that part of him resurfaces, I feel such intense hated for him and I want to leave him again. I know we need counseling but we can't afford it while abroad. And I don't know if I have autistic traits like DS which results in my tunnel vision when angry, or I am just inherently immature and can't get past a bad moment and I need to give myself a kick.

Separation is not an easy option either. I would have to support him financially as he can't get a job in this country. Or we could go home to the UK traveling in the middle of a pandemic, and there's still no guarantee he would find a job. And no question, DS would suffer in any kind of care setting.

I would love any advice.

It’s just not working is it so something has to change. If you’ve moved everybody abroad for your job but can’t afford counselling then something’s not right.

Did he want to be a trailing spouse?

Why would you have to support your DH financially post separation and or divorce?. I think what you've done here re him too is merely paper over the cracks in your relationship that are indeed reappearing again. Stop doing yourself down and pretending to yourself that your H is not the root cause of your inherent unhappiness in your relationship. He does that to you because he can and it works for him. My guess too he is not as snappy or bad tempered with any work colleagues; it is for you and in turn your DS that this ill treatment of you is directed.

Re your comment (that I have separated out):-
"Separation is not an easy option either. I would have to support him financially as he can't get a job in this country"

Again that is no reason to stay together and besides which he is an adult. He should be able to support his own self financially.

"Or we could go home to the UK traveling in the middle of a pandemic, and there's still no guarantee he would find a job".

Again that is you worrying about him, he is an adult. Don't use the pandemic as a further excuse not to act.

"And no question, DS would suffer in any kind of care setting."
What sort of care setting would make you really concerned, are you referring to school?. I would state that provision for special needs educationally in the UK generally speaking is dire.

You cannot and should not use your DS as some sort of glue here to bind you and your H together. Given what you have written about your H anyway I am wondering what you get out of this relationship now. Something is keeping you with this man anyway, what is it?. If it your child he is no reason for you and your H to remain together as staying for the child rarely if ever works out at all well.

To answer questions:

We came here hoping to save a little and enjoy ourselves. Now our disposable income is going towards DS' therapies which are really expensive.

If DH were too go to work, the best specialist care provider would cost more than he could make, and anyway it's only a half day. Plus his therapists don't recommend it at this stage.

The visa requirements have changed because of the downturn in the economy - if I were to reapply now, I'd be turned down too. There is no way he's going to get a job here now, especially after being out of work for so long - he doesn't have the experience to meet the minimum salary.

Yes it's 100% his choice to be a trailing spouse. He was keen to try living abroad. I wanted him to look for a job, but then DS unexpectedly got his diagnosis, and that put an end to that.

I want to put our health above everything. It means waiting for a vaccine before we come home, probably up to 6 months. So I need to find a way to live with him in the short term, and move back before making any big decisions.

He really has made an effort and has so many good qualities. But the occasional flashes are having a disproportionate effect on me. I don't know how to work it out out with him. He's sensitive to criticism - whether we talk about it he goes through bouts of tortured self examination. He doesn't want to be like his own father, so he is trying to keep himself in check. But on the occasion it comes out, I can't deal with it in that moment except to shut down. We might be able to talk about it after, but it feels so much worse compared to before, when we just talked any arguments through immediately and put them behind us.

He's making an effort now and trying to be nice, though not apologizing. I feel so tired and defeated though.

I would consider seeking legal advice to discuss your options going forward.

That from him is merely the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one. You come across as being traumatised by him and the longer you remain with him at all the harder it will feel for you to actually get away from him.

He is very much also like his own father; the phrase like father like son is very much apt. I would think his father treated his wife exactly the same as his son is now treating you and in turn your child who is picking up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here between you two.

You've tried life abroad and for many and varied reasons not least of all financial too it has not worked out.

The pfizer vaccine is already being rolled out to the population in the UK and therapies here for your son may well cost far less than what you are paying currently.

It sounds as if you are both in a terribly stressful situation. And maybe your DH is actually in a more painful and scary position even than you are. He is your DS's main carer and for this and other reasons he can't go back to work. Your DH has moved abroad for your job and has given up work to care for your child who is now found to be autistic so your DH can't go back to work... and you threatened to abandon him? Neither of you are in a good place if that happened.

What support are the two of you getting? You are probably both in shock and grieving and although you are both being good practically it it doesn't sound as if you are supporting each other through this emotionally. When DS was diagnosed with an ASC one of the most important things that the child psychologist did for DS's sake (the psych told us so!) did was to regularly check that DH and I were OK, both individually and as a couple. I had stopped work to support DS. The child psych checked that I was occupied, that my mental health was OK as the SAHP, that DH and I were spending some pleasant recreational time together as a couple and not just with DS or fretting over DS all the time (we found a specialist sitter and went out to weekly dance lessons together), that we both had respite. I also chose to see a counsellor as a safe place to express and deal with my worse feelings about DH and DS.

I used up all my annual leave to give him some respite from parenting,

It's tiring for you but also that's what you have to do as a parent. Your job may be a challenge and a responsibility in its own right and being main wage earner is a burden, but it is also a long daily respite from parenting. But you sound as if you feel resentful or as if DH ought to be grateful for that? And is that enough respite for DH?

You both sound absolutely knackered. Do consider some relationship counselling to help you both get through this in better ways than shutting off or snapping. Plus maybe your DH will want some individual support too, especially because he has issues from his past. And you might want to consider some individual support yourself since you say his flashes are having a "disproportionate" effect on you.

to both of you.

Why would you have to support your DH financially post separation and or divorce?

I suspect for the same reason why divorced dads are told to support (through financial settlement) the fact that their wives gave up their career prospects to care for the children at home whilst he worked...? It shouldn't be any different for a SAHD imo.

You both sound incredibly stressed OP. Is counselling an option?

I agree with PP above though, you sound from your OP that you think DH should be grateful that you used AL to give him a break from parenting? I don't really agree with that tbh.

Sounds to me like you've decided you'll need to stay together for the foreseeable at least.
Could you try online couples counselling? You can do it online.

Thank you for the practical advice and support @AmaryllisNightAndDay.

I agree it's been tougher for DH than it has for me. Just to clarify, I haven't threatened to abandon him. The furthest I've gone is to say to him that I can't live with someone who treats me like that - that was at its worst. The other thoughts about separation are just my own when I'm feeling at my worst, not when I'm feeling rational.

On the one hand we are a good team together for DS. But no, we don't have any family support here. We are considering babysitting options, but DS is so clingy now the idea of leaving him with a babysitter seems unfair to him - we'll need to build up to it.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I resent DH for using all my annual leave on him. I just wanted to show I do support him as much as I can. I agree, work is my respite.

I will reconsider counselling again. I've suggested it to DH before and he hates the idea of opening up to a stranger.

Thanks again for your sympathy. It really helps as I have no one else to talk to about this.

It sounds as if you are a bit stuck until you can get yourselves back to the UK, for financial and pandemic reasons.

If you return to the UK, do you have a support network that could take some if the burden off your DH so he can return to work? He sounds incredibly stressed and fundamentally unsuited to bring a SAHP, especially since your DS has additional needs. (Not criticising your DH there - I would be totally unsuited too and many people would struggle.) It also sounds like he feels unappreciated when he is carrying a huge burden and has sacrificed his career for yours.

I think right now, both of you need to learn coping techniques to let go of unimportant arguments and cut each other a break. I'd be a snappy arse as well in your shoes and you do acknowledge your DH has made good improvements. If you were able to let go of these issues and not react, do you think he would calm down and apologise?

I'm not saying you should just put up with him being shitty at you, but both of you are under immense pressure and you're both only human.

In the event he does not want to go to counselling then go on your own. You anyway need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

We have parents in the UK but all are in their 70s! Honestly, we don't think they are able to care for DS on their own for more than a few mins - he overwhelms us both sometimes.

The toughest part is this country! It's an amazing place, but with an SN child you really need a car to make the most of it. As such we're always struggling.

To clarify, DH have up his job to be a SAHP, not for my job. He wanted a break from work and since he was free of obligations, we both chose to go abroad together as a new experience - my job was just conveniently placed for that.

It's so hard to know what is best for DS. On some ways, DH is well suited to bring DS' primary carer. He's so much better at chatting to him and had more strength than me to do so the running around and physical stuff. But he gets more stressed out than me, more tetchy, more inflexible, and takes it out on me.

How do we learn about coping techniques? Is it just through counselling?

You say you feel intense hatred, and think of separation but then invalidate your own feelings by saying you are tired, immature, irrational, possibly ASD etc. I think you need to be honest with yourself that these are your feelings, and explore them further. It really isn't sustainable to.live with someone for whom you feel genuine hatred and who treats you poorly, and unfortunately you can't do so without it impacting on your child. So start by accepting your feelings and exploring where they come from and then seeing what needs to change either within or outside the relationship. You might find doing this frees up a little more energy by itself.

OP, I have been the spouse who moved abroad for my partner's work in the past. It is immensely stressful for the party who has to give up a job and income to become a full time mum or dad in a new country. In this case, it doesn't look like it is working out financially and I can imagine the pain your DH is going through, with no income, no prospect of finding a job and the responsibility of after a child with medical needs. If you want this to work, I think you need to move back to the UK asap, vaccine or not. There is a small risk of the virus, but millions of people are still living in this country. In my opinion, the risk to your relationship is much greater if you wait, and you should move back for the greater good of the family.

Again that is no reason to stay together and besides which he is an adult. He should be able to support his own self financially.

But they have a son whose disability means one of them can't work. It might be possible to find some other arrangement in this country but otherwise she will still have to support her husband so he can continue to look after their DS, whether she lives with them or not.

staying for the child rarely if ever works out at all well.

Whole other story when you have a child with a serious disability. Sure it might not work out well but that's often a matter of taking the "least worst" option. A "best" option often doesn't exist.

I'm not really seeing a couple who shouldn't be together. I'm seeing a couple who have been hit by something that has turned all their life plans upside down and are grieving for that as much as anything else. And trying to make it under the kind of pressure that has broken many families. Hating each other at times isn't that unusual.

I want to put our health above everything.

Trouble is, you can't put one thing before everything else. Not when you have a child with a serious disability and your whole life and your DH's whole life have been thrown in the the air. You have to balance all the risks and balance everyone's needs because you all have to survive this, physically and emotionally, for your DS's sake. There may be no "right" answer and what feels right to you may not feel right for your DH. But he may feel too guilty to say so.

The furthest I've gone is to say to him that I can't live with someone who treats me like that - that was at its worst.

You only say one thing but maybe he "hears" all the rest whether you mean it or not. He knows you and he probably senses some of your unspoken thoughts, at the same time he doesn't know the whole story about your feelings, or you about him and he might read the wrong things into what you say. Hence counselling for both of you, to get it all out in the open safely so you can really hear each other and find a way through it.

How do we learn about coping techniques?

An alternative to counselling - or really as well as counselling: parent support groups. There are lots for parents of children with ASCs, online and in real life. People support each other and share experiences and feelings (as well as solutions sometimes) Autism is a funny thing and the best problem solvers are often other parents. MumsNet Special Needs is really good for ASCs and the National Autistic Society has an online community and also might be able to link you to something more local. Might be especially good for your DH to find some real-life parent support as he might be feeling very isolated as a SAHP.

It sounds like the key to saving the relationship is getting back to the UK. Your husband probably has a lot of resentment because you all moved country for your job and everything that was expected to happen hasn't panned out and he's the one who's overwhelmingly borne the brunt of that.

Could the most recent snapping also be frustration that you're the one holding up the move back to the UK? I don't understand why you're delaying it considering the whole family is falling apart at the seams in whatever country you're in and it seems quite urgent to get back! I'm extremely Covid cautious myself due to a health condition but I would would be very angry with you if I was in his shoes over this unnecessary delay and I would think you just don't genuinely care about how much the situation is affecting my mental health and the family. Wear masks and social distance all the way back to the UK then quarantine for 2 weeks. Once in UK, follow all guidelines, but on top of that, only meet anyone social distanced (ideally outside) and you'll be fine. Unfortunately, those most responsible for spreading the virus are also those most likely to avoid taking the vaccine so if I were you I wouldn't be focusing on any guarantee a vaccine would have as you need a critical percentage of people to be vaccinated (not just the vulnerable) to stop the pandemic. If I can manage to keep safe in UK when Covid is an actual death risk for me, I'm sure you and your family can.

This is an excellent source of evidence based Covid information: www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/question-and-answers-hub

The main way to reduce health risk is minimising contact with other people, frequent handwashing, and wearing masks and social distancing when you have to go out.

I’m not sure where you are OP , we too have recently left the UK and it’s not exactly a picnic in most places at the moment. I think you need to take a look at finances and consider moving back - having a special needs child really changes the goal posts and it’s often easier to have support networks in your home country plus friends etc— it can be very co dependent if abroad which is enhanced with a child with additional needs . I feel for you totally and have been there but also feel for your DH as it’s not exactly one long party for him either.