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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do about this?/am I being unreasonable?

24 replies

QuentinWinters · 14/12/2020 21:48

So my DD told me today that exH left my 3 kids alone on Saturday for 6 hours while he went out, from 2 until 8pm. She made them all beans on toast for tea.
My children are 16, 14 and 9.
I know the 16 year old is old enough to babysit but its just left a really bad taste with me. I don't think its fair to leave them (especially my 9 yo) alone all day, particularly when he has eow on his own. 9yo just played online for 6 hours(!!) Which is another bone of contention.
I dont know whether to ignore it or say something to my ex. We aren't on great terms and generally if he feels criticised in any way he will say extremely hurtful things (one reason he is an ex).
Just wondering what others would do?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2020 21:49

Leave it. No one came to harm. The 9 year old didn’t have to game for 6 straight hours.

Atrixie · 14/12/2020 21:51

It’s a shame but it’s no big deal. Perfectly old enough to look after themselves. I often do this with similar age kids. Actually 3-4 hours but it’s no risk

Fudgsicles · 14/12/2020 21:54

Jesus the eldest is 16! Relax.

I was babysitting 8, 3 and 4 year olds all at once from 13, for many hours of an evening (I actually don't even know how long as I went to bed before they got home). Whilst I now think this is highly irresponsible and I would never do this, a 16, 14 and 9 year old are fine to be left.

Original poster

QuentinWinters · 14/12/2020 21:56

Yeah. Its not really their age, its more that he isn't prioritising them when he has them and I think its unfair on them but also that its probably not my business

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:56

This is fine, leave it op.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:57

And no it’s not your business, I’m sorry 💐

Original poster

QuentinWinters · 14/12/2020 21:57

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

Cornucopia55 · 14/12/2020 21:57

The 16yo and 14yo were there; it was not dangerous or irresponsible. While it doesn't sound like quality time, as it was during his weekend, that's his business. Really don't think you should say anything.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2020 21:59

Surely the point is OP that if it really bothers your children , particularly the older 2 they will just start refusing to go , so I’d leave it .

Sssloou · 14/12/2020 22:04

Nothing you say will have any positive impact. But if this is a common occurrence your DCs will vote with their feet. If they feel bored or neglected they may choose not to go to him. They might also enjoy the freedom and responsibility of hanging together, parent free. What do they think? Is the 16 happy to baby sit their siblings for 6 hours?

Hercwasonaroll · 14/12/2020 22:08

Would you leave them fir 6 hours?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 22:23

Pick your battles, no good can come of pushing this.

NotaCoolMum · 14/12/2020 22:33

@QuentinWinters

Yeah. Its not really their age, its more that he isn't prioritising them when he has them and I think its unfair on them

but also that its probably not my business

Unfortunately it’s his decision how he chooses to spend his time when he has the kids (obv as long as they are not being abused/mistreated etc). I get it though. I have the same problem when my DS sees his dad- although his dad only sees him once every 6 weeks for an afternoon 🙄

soopedup · 14/12/2020 22:35

Perfectly fine. They are old enough to be left. My kids game for longer than that at the weekends!

Autumnismyseason · 14/12/2020 22:36

It’s more that it’s sad he has the opportunity to spend time with them and didn’t

JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/12/2020 22:36

Yes it’s shit. I’m surprised you’re 16 year old goes.

But it’s his choice.

They’ll vote with their feet eventually

Furbylicious · 14/12/2020 22:38

I think it's perfectly safe (assuming fairly typical levels of maturity) but I'd want to have have a conversation with your 16 yo to make sure she's happy about it.

Personally, I don't think it would be fair to do this for so long or to do it often without running it past her first/paying her/being clear about how long he'll be gone for etc
He may have done those things or she might be happy to be in charge but equally she may want your support in how to talk to him about it if she's not happy.

As a side note, I agree it seems rubbish to do this when he only sees them relatively rarely (although if it was a one-off, not the end of the world) but sadly not much you can do other than internally eye roll

Crazybirdlady · 14/12/2020 22:44

@Autumnismyseason

It’s more that it’s sad he has the opportunity to spend time with them and didn’t

What autumn said. Whether they are old enough is not the point. Thing is, this is what they will remember of him. It's a shame, but nothing you can do about it.

I'd be annoyed about 6 hours gaming too though, 9 year olds don't always make good choices. But that's why there should be an adult keeping an eye on them.

Scrapper142 · 14/12/2020 22:51

It's a poor show on his part. Was it a one-off, or work? If he knew he should have made sure there was proper food or money for a takeaway. But as others have said nothing you can do and no point in raising it with him. You can't make a person be a better parent.

I'd let the older two choose going forward. Perhaps not tell them they can stop going but give no resistance if they decide themselves.

SD1978 · 14/12/2020 23:14

If it's not a regular occurrence, I would leave it. The kids are old enough that whilst it may have been boring, it's really no more an inconvenience than that.

Original poster

QuentinWinters · 14/12/2020 23:18

It was a social thing, not work. What autumn says is definitely my issue. Its sad he has them but doesn't spend time with them.
He also has 4 games consoles at his house and 4 TV so basically when they go there its just screens at all times (including him). It makes it hard at my house because they all struggle to think of things other than screens to do, and fight over the one that I have.
I guess I have to disengage but it just makes me sad.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2020 05:13

It’s clearly not regular though op or you’d have said. So as an occasional thing it’s fine and it seems they were happy gaming. There is no issue with them spending the time gaming occasionally.

Sadly you can’t tell him how to parent, and no matter how much you disapprove or want to have a go at him, for everyones sake, it’s better to let it go, not just because it’s not your place to decide what is and isn’t acceptable, but also to avoid further bad feeling.

RantyAnty · 15/12/2020 06:48

It is sad, but it's his choice. Your DC will see him for who he really is.

The only thing I'd be worried about is unsupervised internet access for all of them. I hope he has some parental controls set up.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/12/2020 07:45

This would annoy me as well. It’s a long time for the 16 year old to be in charge of a 9 year old during the daytime when they’re not in bed and your dh should have told you he had plans to go out and was going to be leaving them alone giving you the option of having them instead. It’s just common courtesy. I have a ds aged 9 and a dd aged 17 and wouldn’t leave them alone together that long, not because I don’t trust the older one, I really do, it’s just not on really.

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