Gaslighting?

[Barbarabauble]

Been with dp approximately 3 and a half years. Last night another instance cropped up which I read to be gaslighting and to which I pulled him up on. He denied he'd said it.

The content is irrelevant. What I'm pissed off at is that I recall him saying something that was insensitive. He claims he didn't say this but said something else entirely; that I was misremembering. Thing is, I remember it. Exactly.

He's done this before - to wheedle out of having said something insensitive. He makes out I'm recalling it wrongly; have misinterpreted; that there's something wrong with my recall of the situation. Then he switches track, saying how we're both strong-minded; that it's just a result of miscommunication; that we're both convinced we're right etc etc ... and it gets explained away, brushed under the carpet ... until the next time.

However, it's not that simple for me. It merely gets 'stored'. And this is because it's not really resolved. This strategy of his to try and undermine the rationale, the logic of what I'm saying, is deeply troubling to me. In the past, I've actually questioned my recollection of what's happened, thinking 'have I misheard, got it wrong?' But when it repeats itself at another time, well, it becomes too much of a coincidence. it's happened too many times now...

In all other respects, he's a great partner - supportive, loving, generous, kind. This 'gaslighting' though - if indeed that's what it is - shakes me to the very core. It deeply inhibits my trust in him.

I've tried explaining this to him but he just appeals to the 'we're both strong minded individuals' line - which gets us nowhere.

And now we're - yet again - at an impasse. And this is largely due to me feeling that I'm not prepared to sweep this under the carpet again.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Did you find a way through?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of psychological abuse designed to alter your own perception of reality.

There is no working through this at all with him and this is deeply ingrained within his psyche. What you will need to do ultimately is to end the relationship because the only acceptable level of abuse in this is none.

What this means is that he is not capable of taking responsibility for doing something hurtful and not prepared to be 'the bad guy' even when in the wrong.

His instinct is to persuade you that you have misheard or misunderstood, or play the 'let's be reasonable and agree to disagree card' as if waving a white flag when it actually means he is not prepared to take responsibility.

It's exhausting and it is a sign of a partner who prioritises their self image and 'winning' over genuine care for you. Not an appealing character trait in a partner.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

What this means is that he is not capable of taking responsibility for doing something hurtful and not prepared to be 'the bad guy' even when in the wrong.

His instinct is to persuade you that you have misheard or misunderstood, or play the 'let's be reasonable and agree to disagree card' as if waving a white flag when it actually means he is not prepared to take responsibility.

It's exhausting and it is a sign of a partner who prioritises their self image and 'winning' over genuine care for you. Not an appealing character trait in a partner.

This. Does he ever apologise for anything? It seems to me as though the two things tend to go together.

I agree it is a tactic abusers use... I am not convinced this is always abuse though ...perhaps counselling could help.

As a teacher I have known many children that will take responsibility for their actions and own up, and many that will lie until blue in the face even when it's clear what they have done. And I'm not sure it's 'decent/weak character' - it seems to be they lie if their parents tend to punish severely and own up if their parents are more of the 'I'm disappointed but glad you told the truth' types.

I'm not saying treat your partner like a child! But it may be learned/coping behaviour and something he could unlearn with counselling.

I'm also not saying you should stick around to help him through that. That's up to you and probably depends on the context of the rest of your relationship.

It's not something you can "find a way through". He's not interested in admitting he does it, much less changing it.

You either accept him chipping away at your sanity, or you accept this behaviour is incompatible with continuing a relationship and end things.

Neither is easy, but I know which I'd consider better for your long term quality of life.

@napody
Yes he does apologise, although his initial response is to deflect, reconstruct. He apologises if I've been hurt. However, this is not the same as taking responsibility for hurting me - or acknowledging that he does what he does. That is, the fact I'm hurt is something he does not like and he will say he s sorry if I was upset by it and it wasn't his intention to hurt me.

Now, all this, on the surface, sounds entirely reasonable and apologetic but I feel he side steps responsibility for having hurt me. That is, he sees I'm upset, recognises and even voices he can see I'm hurt but refuses to accept agency for me being hurt, if that makes sense. My hurt is not, as it were, because of something he's done. Rather, it is because I've misread what he has said. In truth, I've not but he reconstructs what he said /meant.

You know in your heart of hearts that this man is not good for you, it is gas lighting, and it won’t change. If you aren’t tied to him with children, then get out now, save yourself.

One of the other things he does is to say 'you always do this' ' - deflecting once again on to me. By 'this' he means read what he's saying in a particular way. This time around, I changed tack and, despite being upset, articulately explained that in terms of turn taking sequences in conversation, what he said was likely to be read by most people as I interpreted it and not as he was now claiming it was meant to say.

I love him very much. He's a great partner in all other respects and supports me hugely. He's been very much there for me through a fair number of awful life experiences (bereavements, stress at work, etc) so I'm interested as well in what you say that it may be learned / coping behaviour and that perhaps it could be unlearnt.

Ah ok, google DARVO I think it will be familiar as his tactic.

Be careful here OP, gaslighting is a very covert form of abuse which is making you doubt yourself,your perception and your reasoning. You analyse and get involved in circular arguments with no resolution ( because there cant be with someone who denies and manipulates ).

It will exhaust you eventually and damage your self esteem.