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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my step daughter being odd?

24 replies

Mumtothethreeamigos · 14/12/2020 18:16

Back story, she lost her mum two years ago.Obviously horrendous and may explain this behaviour. But....she often tells her dad how handsome he is and sometimes says to me how I am to have him because he’s so handsome. She also straddles him to hug him wrapping her legs around him and also sniffs his arm pits and says I love the smell of you. I just find it really uncomfortable and wonder if I should say something. It doesn’t seem healthy to me. Important to note there is nothing ominous but it’s just making me feel strange. She’s 11.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:19

Yes it’s a little odd but I suspect she’s insecure. Loosing a parent is horrific. And has long lasting repurcussions. She is likely thinking she only has him now.

Treat her with care and kindness till she no longer feels insecure and feels loved and wanted,

Fudgsicles · 14/12/2020 18:20

Yes it's odd.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:20

And no don’t say anything.

LatentPhase · 14/12/2020 18:21

Well all families have different norms for this stuff. My guess is you’ll get mixed responses. But to me it’s very odd at an age when puberty is under way. I would feel uncomfortable. How long has it been going on? How does her dad feel?

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:22

This isn’t sexual. She’s lost her mother ans is clinging to her father.

If she feels loved wanted ans secure she will stop it.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 14/12/2020 18:24

I agree she is very insecure. It’s been going on since we met. I’m very close with her but she’s very needy with me too, albeit in a different way.

OP posts:

MaryBoBary · 14/12/2020 18:30

Agree with bluntness that she is clearly desperate not to lose her dad too poor girl. It's a bit odd but also understandable after what she's been through.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:31

That’s all it is op. I lost a parent young, and although I didn’t behave like this because my father and his new wife were abusive, I can say that’s all it is, she’s really insecure and scared.

If you both spend some time trying to make her feel wanted and special and make sure she knows that you won’t ever leave her, then it will stop.

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:34

This sort of thing is why all children who lose a parent should have grief counselling. She's expressing her insecurities and she needs help to work out other ways to manage her feelings.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 14/12/2020 18:38

We do absolutely everything to make her feel loved and included. Will keep going. I’m sorry you had an awful time blunt. I lost a parent in my late teens. That was bad enough.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:39

I would really recommend getting her some therapy OP.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:41

Yes just keep going, it’s a long hard road, loosing a parent at nine, is horrific. She will get there, don’t worry.

Your partner could try to help though, Chuck her off laughing, tickle her, and say things like I love you too, we both do, you’re stuck with us forever you little monkey, something light and cheery

Also maybe refer to future things, like “when we take you to uni” or when we are at yout wedding, just something that shows you’re both in it for the long run,

Fastforwardtospring · 14/12/2020 18:50

Bless her, she’s lost her mum 2 years ago and she has a new step mum already, no wonder she feels insecure, she’s had a lot to deal with. My step mother never tried to establish a relationship with me, never mentioned my DM, it would have meant so much if she had, she will need a mother figure (not a replacement)I found mine elsewhere, you have the makings of a good relationship but will take time, do you have any time alone with her, shopping trip or lunch maybe, let her know she’s important in your life and not just your step daughter.

nolovelost · 14/12/2020 19:21

No, not odd.

Rebsy · 14/12/2020 19:30

Could this be a control thing claiming her dad as hers? I agree sure it comes from insecurity and is harmless just wants to be close to her dad. Maybe some solo daddy daughter days to her build security. Sure you are both doing an amazing job such a difficult situation.

category12 · 14/12/2020 19:37

Has she got any support in terms of counselling etc outside the family? It might be worth getting in touch with a charity such as Winston's Wish for additional support for her.

litterbird · 14/12/2020 19:41

Keep an eye on her and discuss it with your OH. Its good to mention these things so they can be monitored. Young children have difficulty in the grieving process sometimes and they get stuck trying to get through the different bits of grief. I cant recommend enough specialist juvenile grief counsellors which helped my daughter. You can research them on line as there will be one near you. Make sure they are specialists in children's grief after death of a close relative as they use various techniques to help them through the process. Our grief counsellor for my daughter turned her around. She was a godsend to me and to her. I am not saying that you need to go down this route as she may work through her grief her own way and may just need some daddy/daughter time but there is support out there if you need it OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 19:57

@Bluntness100

Yes just keep going, it’s a long hard road, loosing a parent at nine, is horrific. She will get there, don’t worry.

Your partner could try to help though, Chuck her off laughing, tickle her, and say things like I love you too, we both do, you’re stuck with us forever you little monkey, something light and cheery

Also maybe refer to future things, like “when we take you to uni” or when we are at yout wedding, just something that shows you’re both in it for the long run,

This is really lovely advice, sorry you went through that so young @Bluntness100 - terrible at any age of course but I can't imagine how tough it was

2bazookas · 14/12/2020 19:57

She is a little girl who has discovered the earth shattering truth, that a loved parent can be lost. Also, she's seen Dad transfer the love he used to have with Mum, onto somebody new and different.

 So in her mind, there will always be a  fear and uncertainty about  losing her remaining parent  . Dad  might die (because covid) . Or  he might,  quite soon,  transfer  all his  old love for her, onto  you.

Your marriage is pretty new, you are probably still in the honeymoon phase, very affectionate and physical. She's desperate to show him she admires and loves him just as much as you do. She's competing for the physical closeness she knows you've got.

You  witness  her intense love and physical affection for him,  and it's making you  uneasy,  uncomfortable.  Just pause for a minute, and wonder  what  unease and anxiety  she feels  whenever  she sees you kissing and touching  him, in his bed, etc.

I think she's mirroring what you do and you are mirroring what she feels .

   There is nothing wrong  with  you and DH having a close and  very physical relationship; and by the same token, there's nothing wrong with her  close physical  affection with her Dad.  She's perfectly safe in his  love  and so are you.  She needs to work through her feelings, and  so do you.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 14/12/2020 20:05

Thanks for your comments. We are not married and don’t live together. She wants us to. She wants to move in with me she says. She seems to crave my attention most which is totally normal. She knows I love her and I actually spend a lot of time with her and do a lot with her when I’m there. We hardly have anytime alone (her dad and I) as I’m so conscious of what she has lost. I agree with 2bazookas and think she is scared of losing his love to me. I have no feelings of insecurity or jealousy just feel a bit uncomfortable as I’m not used to hearing a child refer to their parents good looks. If my children did it to me I’d be uncomfortable too.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:12

Thanksyouvegotten.

She’s looking to make sure you want her too. It’s part mother figure but part she wants to know you accept her.

Don’t worry about her referring to her dads looks, she’s just young and trying to compliment him, that’s all. She’s trying to flatter you both. Get you both to like her. Try to remember when she does something like that to him, or says she wants to live with you, that’s she’s just trying to make you both like her and want her. She’s only eleven, she doesn’t know any other way.

JellyTots2009 · 15/12/2020 00:45

OP my son is like this. He's 11. He'll hug me all the time, smells me and says 'ah you smell beautiful' tells me I'm beautiful a lot of the time.

Do you find that weird? Or not because it's mum and son?

dhisreadingmypostsagain · 15/12/2020 00:57

@JellyTots2009 I'm glad you posted that, my two DS will tell me I'm beautiful or smell nice, they will give hugs, climb into bed for back scratches. I don't see anything odd about her behaviour, and some really lovely reply's and support.

Justme10 · 15/12/2020 01:11

Is it possible she's telling him he is handsome and smells nice because it's things that her mum used to say him and she's just copying that? Maybe just trying to keep that connection/bond, in her head she might be worrying about him forgetting her mum.
There has been great advice on this thread and I think reassurance is the best thing to do here to allow her to work through her feelings

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