ExH barely supervising DC when they're with him

[GoGoPowerScooter]

ExH has a history of depression and alcohol abuse. Currently has the DC (12 & 9) EOW and a night during the week. DD12 has a phone on condition that I know the password, and can check it on demand (she's autistic, often trusts people too quickly, and I worry about her safety online). From checking her phone, I can see that she's often gaming until midnight when she's at her dad's; when she's with me, her phone goes off at 9pm and we've not had any problems with that. ExH allows unlimited access to gaming for both DC; both have their own computers in their bedrooms at his, and DS9 frequently eats meals in his room while gaming. DS says at the weekends, he wakes his dad up at about 8am, his dad gets him breakfast and then goes back to bed, and DS wakes him up if he needs anything. This weekend, ExFIL was trying to get hold of ExH and couldn't; there are messages on DD's phone from ExFIL and ExH's girlfriend asking her to go and wake up ExH because they were worried as they couldn't get in touch with him - this was at 12.15pm FFS

I've told ExH about the late night gaming at his, and he said he'd tackle it, but nothing's changed. I've expressed my concerns to him repeatedly, but nothing's changed. He's very skilled at appearing to put the DC first - he's even the Safeguarding Governor at DS' school - but behind closed doors it seems that he can't be arsed He's impossible to motivate - divorce took me four years because he simply wouldn't engage with the process - and now I'm wondering what the hell I can actually do to make sure things change. The DC adore him, but even they say he doesn't make them do anything they don't want to, so they often stay in their pyjamas all weekend and don't wash or leave the house. This is shit, isn't it? What do I do now?

I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest except for stopping them from going there which doesn't sound as though it would go down well with the kids to be honest.

My dad was a Disney dad too and although it must have been horrible for my mum, from a kids point of view we had a great time

It's hardly the end of the world to spend the weekend gaming in your jammies when you are a kid.
If he's drunk and not functioning there's cause for concern.

Well it might not be the end of the world but what is the point in OP's DC being there if their dad is sleeping until the middle of the day and they are on screens all day?

It's his rules, or lack of rules, at his house - you can't control the way he parents.

Unless he's putting them in actual danger, you need to back off really. You may not like it or approve of them slobbing around gaming, but it's not the end of the world.

There's nothing you can do about it. The kids aren't at risk, it's not a safe guarding issue. All you can do is what you have done, which is speaking to him about it.

Thanks - I do know it's not actual neglect; just piss poor parenting. If I were concerned about their safety then I'd know what to do - its this grey area I'm struggling with. I make sure DC are aware of internet safety, but feel that being totally unsupervised with no restrictions on internet use is potentially risky, particularly at age 9. But it doesn't seem like there's anything more I can do. Mainly I worry that they simply won't have much of a relationship with their dad if he never really engages with them.

Was this level of contact between the children and their dad actually court ordered or is this an informal arrangement between you two?.

It's an informal agreement.

I would consider obtaining a legal agreement through the courts particularly as he is the only adult in his household “supervising” them whereas they are really looking after him. It does them no favours to be with their dad when he is drunk and he is indeed neglecting them.

I doubt very much that they adore him, they likely walk on eggshells around him like you’ve very much have done and are hyper vigilant with him too so as to try and not set him off.

OP, if they have any devices they take to his house, you can enable parental controls on these. For any devices that are only in his house, you can offer to come round and put on parental controls etc. , obviously presenting it as an offer to help and thatbyou both want the best for your kids, rather than a criticising his parenting approach. At worst, you can offer to replace laptop etc at your cost so you can get control over parental restrictions, passwords etc.

I would be very concerned too about what young boys could access, especially nowadays where it's so much easier to access all kinds of things e.g. porn, paedophile groomers, inappropriate websites.

Jesus what a lazy waster. Sorry I have no advice OP, as I'm likely to face a similar situation once I divorce my STBXH.

My DC are younger but on the rare occasions I leave them with him he plonks then in front of the tv for the day, throwing food at them occasionally while he "naps" on the couch. I once went away for a weekend for work and when I got back they were still in the same pajamas they were wearing the morning I left. They hadn't taken them off at all. No hair or teeth brushed, nothing.

He used to fall asleep on the couch when they were tiny and wouldn't notice if they'd fallen over it's simply luck that nothing bad happened. This is a huge part of the reason I didn't leave when I really wanted to. I was worried sick about him having unsupervised access to them. So you really have my sympathy.

It's so hard knowing what's best to do. I agree that a weekend gaming in your pjs is hardly the end of the world - we do it here occasionally - but every single weekend without fail? Even when it's beautifully sunny and warm? Never seeing their friends on the weekends with their dad? Not even going to the park ffs? Ever? It's shit, and not good for growing DC. They need to be active, not couch potatoes. Not sure what formalising access arrangements through the courts would achieve? How would it make a difference?

No wonder they love going there as there’s no boundaries and unlimited screen time! Is he pissed most of the weekend? That could be a safeguarding issue.

@GoGoPowerScooter

It's so hard knowing what's best to do. I agree that a weekend gaming in your pjs is hardly the end of the world - we do it here occasionally - but every single weekend without fail? Even when it's beautifully sunny and warm? Never seeing their friends on the weekends with their dad? Not even going to the park ffs? Ever? It's shit, and not good for growing DC. They need to be active, not couch potatoes. Not sure what formalising access arrangements through the courts would achieve? How would it make a difference?

It is shit, but you can't magically change him into an engaged parent or enforce park-going - if you could change him, presumably you'd still be with him .

Nor can the courts.

So it's a question of is it suboptimal but they're safe enough and need contact with their dad, or is it dangerous and he poses a threat to them. And it's the former, isn't it? It's no point driving yourself crazy still trying to change a man's behaviour post-divorce. You just have to concentrate on your own parenting and leave his up to him.

Trying to work out whether he's pissed at the weekends. That was certainly the pattern before we split - downing two bottles of wine every night, sleep half the day, useless when awake. You're right that there is simply no discipline - their behaviour is horrendous for him, I think they're crying out for boundaries. Both are autistic, and need structure and stability or their behaviour nose dives. DS still lashes out physically at DD and ExH when he's there; it's been about three years since he did that here. I work so hard to give them routine and clear expectations, and it all gets undone when they go to him

Cross posted. Yes, it does seem to be the former. They're not actually in danger - just unwashed, fed a load of crap, and not parented. But I spent twenty years working in safeguarding before stopping work to be at home with the DC after their autism diagnoses, and I know these concerns wouldn't even register with children's social care. Yep - couldn't change him when I lived with him, so definitely can't change him now. Wish I could just taser the fucker into being a decent parent!

Wish I could just taser the fucker into being a decent parent!
I don't blame you