Is our sex life beyond rescue?

[CarrotforRudolph]

Sorry for the cross-posting - I already posted this on the sex board but wondered if I might get more responses if I posted here.

Been with DH for nearly 11 years, married 10, two DC. Sex was good initially but tapered off quite a bit after DC1 (now 9) was born, but we still managed to have sex every two or three weeks, although it was pretty repetitive. He did try his best, and he’s willing to use his mouth and/or hands, but it didn’t really do much for me and eventually I just got my vibrator out. I made some suggestions as to different things we could try, but he said he felt awkward about them and that he was just very vanilla.

I just assumed I had a low libido, and still continued to have sex every so often, but then developed a huge crush on a work colleague, which lasted for months (never said or did anything about this). It got to the point where I almost found it unbearable to have sex with DH because he wasn’t this person. I’ve left the job now, but still find it hard to imagine having sex with DH as anything other than a marital obligation, and DH has complained that I don’t really seem that into it.

I know this isn’t fair on DH at all, and I do want to try and resurrect our sex life, because everything else in our relationship is pretty good. He’s a great parent, more than pulls his weight around the house, and we get on really well - we still make each other laugh. It seems ridiculous to break all this up over sex. Is there a way of restoring a moribund sex life?

I am in a very similar situation, OP, except without a hot work colleague! I also assumed I had a low libido but it turns out that I'm just bored of sex with DH. He is much more vanilla than me. He doesn't initiate much and I am horny all the time but don't feel like initiating as I don't really want to have sex with him.
I don't know how or if it can be resolved. My gut feel is that we're incompatible. When we first got together I thought it didn't matter, and we've been busy having kids, etc but now they're no longer toddlers and we are under less parenting stress I am noticing the lack more.
Sorry this isn't much help, but you're not alone.

Marriage without sex is a friendship. It’s not unreasonable to divorce because of no sex It would depend how important it is to you both. I think once it’s got to this stage it’s not going to come back. Either be celibate or part and meet new people partners that turn you on

I also thought I had a low libido throughout my marriage but sex was always the same routine and just not that exciting. As he had been my first long term partner, I had nothing to compare it to.

In the end I couldn't hide from myself that he just didn't do it for me and I was very frustrated.

We split and I started a new relationship and I look back and see what was missing all that time. I have a high drive and am far more adventurous than I ever thought. I know I did the right thing in leaving as it wears you down so much.

I was in a long term relationship where the sex was terrible and my libido totally disappeared, I even stopped masturbating. I remember at one point towards the end googling "Am I asexual?" As soon as that relationship ended my libido came back full force! So a bad sexual relationship can definitely dampen your desire for sex.

I think you could possibly get past this if you both really want to. But I think you would need to sit down and have a frank and probably awkward conversation about what you both want and need sexually. And then commit to making the effort to see if the spark will come back.

I think it will definitely be difficult though because I think in a long term relationship when you let sex fall off the agenda for a long time it becomes awkward to get back into it because you almost stop seeing them in a sexual way and it feels like having sex with a platonic friend or family member.

Have a good think about what you really want, OP. You would not be unreasonable to end the relationship over being sexually incompatible.

think about what first attracted you to him. what can you do to recreate that? date nights? particular venues / activities? Might be hard in current times, but anything that takes you both back to that spark that started the relationship might help.

I lost my libido with my exH and thought it was me, but he was controlling and blamed me for everything so it was a side effect from this. After him I dated and found I have a high drive even after being with my partner now for over 2 years.

Going off someone sexually can be part of going off them on a wider basis.

Can you try counselling? See a sex therapist.

It would be unusual for someone to fundamentally change what they are so I think it’s unlikely to change.

OP you need to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It can be repaired, this book is a revelation.