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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this gasighting... Upset and confused.

23 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 14/12/2020 14:29

My house, dp lives here and our 2 year old.
We had a massive row a few days ago. And it was repeated last night. He won't see he did anything wrong and I've asked him for some space as I'm upset and struggling.
Hes refusing to leave or give me space. He asked to sleep in our bed not our bedroom and I said no but I'll sleep in spare room. Instead if he prefered. He got upset and said if he does leave then he will leave and not see ds (his son) anymore.
I'm beyond hurt I have literally cried all night, because to me saying I'll never see our son again is unforgivable awful. He's a beautiful boy who loves his daddy and I don't understand how someone could say this. It wasn't a throw away comment he said it a few times.

OP posts:
Defiantly41 · 14/12/2020 14:34

... and he did so knowing it would hurt you. It's a button he knows he can push, not strictly gaslighting but mean and nasty nevertheless. I'd be making plans for a future without him.

MizMoonshine · 14/12/2020 14:36

Blackmail, not gaslighting.

Still a cunt.

AppleKatie · 14/12/2020 14:40

I would leave him for the little regard he has for his own son first. And think about all the other ways he’s a twat second.

I couldn’t live with a man who thinks his relationship with his own son is dependent on me dancing to his tune.

Fuck that.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 14/12/2020 14:42

It's was awful. I rang my mum who just said people say bad things when they are hrut or angry and things they don't mean sometimes. So not sure if I'm being hysterical or not... I'd never say it about ds

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 14:44

He’s trying to manipulate you, use it as a threat to get you to do what he wants.

It’s a horrible thing to say just play him at his own game and tell him to fuck off then.

PixelatedLunchbox · 14/12/2020 14:49

@Pleaseaddcaffine

It's was awful. I rang my mum who just said people say bad things when they are hrut or angry and things they don't mean sometimes. So not sure if I'm being hysterical or not... I'd never say it about ds
No. No matter how angry someone is they don't threaten to not see their child as some sort of powerplay. He sounds absolutely horrible. A real piece of shit. Life is too short to live with someone that can't admit any wrongdoing and then threatens such despicable behaviour when their DP won't swallow their nonsense. You're not hysterical. Flowers
Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 14/12/2020 14:52

Thanks, honestly, I think all respect has gone. I have said some shitty things in my life but never ever that. My first reaction would be I'm not leaving to keep ds all the time.

OP posts:
warmandtoasty2day · 14/12/2020 15:04

total waste of space, call the shots and tell him to leave. you and ds deserve so much better.

TwentyViginti · 14/12/2020 15:11

This will only get worse. He'll continue to use his son as a manipulation tool.

IJustWantSomeBees · 14/12/2020 15:23

No, you are certainly not being hysterical. What an awful thing for him to say about his child to try to make you submit.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/12/2020 15:43

Absolutely awful. What a bastard!

Cleverpolly3 · 14/12/2020 15:46

Let him go
In fact make him go.

Anyone who uses their child to keep you at heel is a piece of shit

Windmillwhirl · 14/12/2020 15:48

Emotional blackmail for sure. Tell him to get out. You cannot continue living like this; he clearly doesn't want to give up the cosy home. Well, he should of considered that the treating you appallingly.

Be strong and firm.

PizzaForOne · 14/12/2020 16:23

Yes this is emotional blackmail not gaslighting (which would be him trying to convince you that whatever you think with regards to the argument issue is completely false and you have seen/understood reality wrong)

It may have been in anger or the emotion of it all. Hard to say without context of what this argument is about, something petty or something major? Trying to make someone 'leave' the home could be perceived as extreme if it is a minor issue, I can see how this could escalate to him saying something extreme too.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 14/12/2020 16:25

Repeated lying and getting caught doing so. I didn't make him leave his home I asked him to give me space and sleep in a different room

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2020 16:26

Hes refusing to leave or give me space.

He doesn't have the luxury to refuse to leave your home. Call the police if necessary and change the locks immediately.

Redruby2020 · 14/12/2020 17:19

Oh ho ho, my exP has said this many times since living separately over the last year and then since I definitely decided that I did not want to go back to him, it has been said in a few different ways. In my case it's just all part of his abusive side, part and parcel of it all. Said for reasons, to be hurtful, to get to me, to make me change my mind etc, none of which has happened, and then when he realised it wasn't going to cause bother, panicked.
There are only certain men who can say such things I'm afraid.

Redruby2020 · 14/12/2020 17:25

Oh and p.s when I still lived with exP and spoke of leaving, he said leave without the child, so can you see the link/connection what is behind it all? Knowing that I would not leave without my DS, and a stupid thing to say, as my exP would not want to look after our DS full time, which is exactly what I was there for.
Now in the current time, there is lots for me to deal with and get over, difficulties that will go on for a long while, with exP, but he is with our DS as I type, which goes to show they talk crap, but not nice. And I have had professionals point out it is not good for the child to have someone cancelling contact or saying such other things, so it has to be nipped in the bud ASAP!

Teaanddimebars · 14/12/2020 17:33

He sounds like the type who will be later threatening to go for full custody if things don’t go his way, or saying he feels suicidal. Anything to get back in control and to cause a reaction.

warmandtoasty2day · 17/12/2020 20:08

if my exh had said he felt suicidal to control me and our dc, i would have made a noose and thrown it over a beam for the bastard, then kicked the stool away for him.
some men are such arseholes.

willowmelangell · 17/12/2020 21:01

He is a nasty bully. Emotional blackmail. Deliberately picked to upset you to the maximum. Vile.
Any chance your mum could have you and ds stay a little while why you try to figure things out in your head?
I can tell you that if you give in now it will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. His threat of leaving his ds will come every single time you do not bow down to his demands.
You mention a row being repeated. I can only guess that he didn't get what he wanted from the two rows. Were you expected to just shut up and put up? Did you challenge a behaviour or an action?
You have an opinion too OP. You have a right to be treated well and you do matter.

monkeymonkey2010 · 17/12/2020 23:10

take yourself off to the spare room and leave him to it.
Instead of giving you space in your own home - and using the spare room - he's antagonized the situation further with his emotional blackmail.

I think i'd be telling him to arrange to stay somewhere else for a while and decide whether he's a father irrespective of the relationship or not..........and if he wants the relationship too then he needs to act like an adult.

If he doesn't i'd dump him.

robindream · 17/12/2020 23:40

I wouldn't even waste tears or words just tell him to do it, who's loss is it going to be? He'd leave and what? Be proud to tell his next partner that his last relationship didn't work out and so he abandoned his own child? Bet that'll make many want him Hmm know yours and your child's worth OP Thanks

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