Don't know what to do at all

[shattered88]

I'm in a relationship (4 years together 1 child aged 12 months)
For a while now, my partners been coming in from work drunk about 3 times a week. I work too, but on my days off In the week he's coming home drunk. He's a nasty drunk and he's very childish (I don't want to run him down but I'm just telling it like it is)
I've explained to him I don't want him coming home drunk so much to me and his son, he puts a lot of pressure on me when he does and I don't and won't trust him to be alone with my son when he's been drinking.
About 6 months ago he told me he wouldn't drink after work, if he wanted a drink he'd wait until he was at home and when our son is in bed.
Anyway, he's been coming in still clearly drunk, smelling like a pub, but is adamant he hasn't when it's clearly obvious. He tells me I'm crazy blah blah.
Our child is in the best routine, he's such a good boy and I don't believe it's the stresses of being a parent (he was doing this a lot while I was pregnant too)
I feel like I'm living a life with him that I don't want to be living. I've tried every which way to come to a solution over this. He hasn't got a drink problem, but when he has a drink he takes it way overboard.
I've had enough of being lied to and I'm ready to leave with my son and live a peaceful life.
Am I being dramatic?

He has a drink problem.
Leave him.

He very clearly has a drink problem. If he is hiding it, he has a drink problem, if he turns nasty, he has a drink problem. If he is making promises to not drink than comes home clearly smelling of alcohol and lying, he has a drink problem. A therapist once told me that the amount of alcohol consumed is not the problem its the person you become after you consumed it. If once he starts drinking and he cannot stop after a few he
has a problem with alcohol. Unfortunately untill not only him, but you yourself admit to it, you cannot fix it. I think you need to have a very serious conversation with him.

No you're not being dramatic, it's the only solution to a peaceful life, that man won't change.

NO, you are not being dramatic here and certainly not because he thinks you are being dramatic.

The 3c's of alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Your mistake here was to at all try every which way to come to a solution over this at all. It was never going to work and indeed what you've tried has not worked anyway.

You cannot help this man but you can and certainly should help your son and you by removing yourselves completely from the relationship. Your partner's primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you and infact has never been with you either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you grow up seeing a parent drink heavily?. How is it you chose a man like this to have a child with?. Are you codependent in relationships too?. I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours re your partner. This state and alcoholism go hand in hand.

Why did you write that he does not have a drink problem?. There's your denial right there. Not all alcoholics are homeless, sit on park benches and or even drink daily; some of them are in employment and have families too. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and you've been as caught up in this as he is.

He absolutely has a drink problem but its never been your problem to manage and or otherwise try and fix for him. Only HE can address the root causes of his alcohol dependency and he does not want to instead looking to you to blame. Its also no life for your son to be at all witness to either. He cannot afford to grow up learning that his dad's drinking dependency is at all normal behaviour.

You have a choice re this man and your son does not. Indeed firm up plans now for you and your son to live daily life without your partner in it. Your son will also thank you for doing that.

Thankyou all, I've had countless conversations with him to the point I've told him I will leave. I've asked him to see a doctor etc. He doesn't drink everyday and he doesn't need drink to function, which is why I didn't think he had a drink problem in itself.
He works with a lot of men who are big drinkers, I started to feel he was doing this to fit in or prove himself. This week being the last week before Christmas is going to be awful

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean so don't do this. For further support for yourself I would urge you to contact Al-anon and their link is:- www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hard as it is to read OP, you need to read this article too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

I agree he has a drink problem, he turns into a horrible person when he drinks and he clearly cannot control it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Thankyou so much for that, I will have a look into it

You've previously told him you will leave but you have not as yet left; he will never take you seriously if you do not show him loss. He thinks you do not mean what you say.

Its not down to you either to tell him to see a doctor; he has to decide for his own self that he wants help and currently at least you're there as his codependent enabling and provoker (because you never forget) partner. You're not helping him or yourself by being there with him at all.

Do not keep having conversations with him; you will just end up going round and round and you really do need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism. Its not just you this affects; its your son too. What is he learning about relationships here?. Currently he is seeing you as his mother constantly preoccupied and or otherwise worried about his dad's drinking. You're not fully emotionally available to your son as a result. It affects him too.

Get out of there with your son and asap; this is no life for you or your son for that matter to be witnessing.

Wow @AttilaTheMeerkat
That second link you put on. So true

There are NO guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him and besides which he does not want your help or support. Save your own self instead; you can do that and let your son also live a life free from parental alcoholism.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Can't even tell you how much your words have just sunk in, thankyou
I have felt for a while that nothing I do or try to do, will help him. We only help ourselves if we think we need it don't we.
I need to keep quiet with no reaction until after Christmas, I do have a plan in place for after where I'm going to leave. But my main focus now is keeping quiet and just being a mum and working as I usually do but without the worry of him. I've tried I really have

It is hard to read but its all in there along with your parts played in it.

I hope you do go onto leave this man. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start once you and he are apart.

He has a massive drink problem. Please don't stay until his drinking starts to damage your son, because that day is fast approaching.

He most definitely has a drink problem. You’re already anticipating and dreading Christmas.......because of his drink problem!!

May 2021 be a better year for you Shattered. Do find it within yourself properly and with planning to get your drunkard partner out of your day to day life.

I would prepare to also leave before Christmas if you can; it may well become a flashpoint and that is something you do not need to see either.

I do worry about my son, I dont ever want him to grow up thinking his dads behaviour or drinking is normal. He has zero filter after drink, he doesn't care what he says/does.
My mind is made up

Power to you OP. Good decision.

He probably won't like it when you do leave so make sure to have friends/family aware of your intentions. Some tips, take copies of everything you may need access too to save you going back. Bag up passports/birth certificates etc and maybe take them to a parent or a friend before you go. Stuff is not important, you and your little boy are. But try to remember your little ones favourite blanket etc. Take what you need and remember there are charities that can help you if you end up leaving without a lot of your stuff. I know you say he isn't violent but when you actually leave he may get very drunk and then you never know. Good luck OP, rooting for you!

Also, if little one goes to nursery or anywhere, I'd make them aware of the situation when the time comes to go

[quote AttilaTheMeerkat]Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean so don't do this. For further support for yourself I would urge you to contact Al-anon and their link is:- www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hard as it is to read OP, you need to read this article too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html[/quote]
The second link is fantastic - it would be so useful for anyone here who's living with someone who has a drink problem (even if they haven't yet identified him/her as an alcoholic.) I'm going to ask MNHQ if it can be a stick on one of the alcohol support sites.

A sticky, not a stick!

I'm having a really not strong day today. I don't understand why hes chosen to do this over me and his son. He's broken my heart with how he's behaved

Oh where do I start, okay, I have had this with my exP(DS's dad) since we met he pretty much drank every day, this was not an issue, and going back to the days where we were younger and still in party mode. It rarely caused any issues over the years, and he held his alcohol well, which of course I know now isn't such a good thing, as someone doesn't have to be stumbling over drunk and nasty for it to be a problem. Over the last few years before we had our DS it bothered me, and since we had our DS it showed up massively, I think also because I was then in a different world and as mother you've already given up alcohol etc during pregnancy. I've heard many times that he's not going to have as much etc, doesn't feel to, 'not anymore' I recall him saying that whilst away in his home country in our DS's first year, that wasn't the case, and yes there was a gap and improvement then started up again. I have horrible memories of last year where by he would come in after work, and sit and drink and chat on the phone which was a constant problem in our relationship, as he aside from it being a bit more of a culture thing and his individual family set up, would talk constantly to all of them. Obviously mood etc would change with drinking, although this isn't to be used as the main blame for his abusive behaviour. Though I did often wonder about certain times in the day where he might get funny because he actually wanted a drink.
I agree with what someone said about what did you grow up with etc, assuming I read that here, as I don't want to come out of my post now incase it deletes it.
I certainly don't think it's okay, but I grew up with an alcoholic, and so I can see how I moved on to a relationship with someone who definitely has a problem.

My advice is to think of yourself and your son it is very hard, and I still battle now with my exP not being how I would like, and it is difficult dealing with him but through one way and another it will get dealt with/hopefully get easier. It's as long as he is responsible when having our son that is my only concern and all I can have a part in, as that is all that really matters.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been there too with an alcoholic h and it’s tough. Everything Atilla said to you yesterday is spot on. Do contact Alanon for some real life support.

There is very little rational sense making to be found in the choices of an alcoholic. They are actually totally unable to put anyone or anything ahead of their next drink. They will try very hard to cover their tracks on that, though, which can be incredibly confusing.

Although there are some amazing people who claw their way back to a long-term sober life, it is an incredibly hard process and they have to desperately want it. Sadly, the statistics for that type of recovery are heavily against your dp. Put yourself and your dc first and life can and will get better.

Best of luck!