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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It it abuse?

18 replies

Lost2021 · 14/12/2020 13:21

My husband just threatened to destroy my possessions or I can leave because he couldn't find something he lost blaming me for losing it. Not the first time either.
Is it financial abuse if he makes alot more than me and demands I pay for things despite having little funds and debt whilst he can save?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost2021 · 14/12/2020 13:23

My anxiety is horrendous since I've had my LO so I may just be being too sensitive

OP posts:
loutypips · 14/12/2020 13:24

Yes. And you know it is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

I'm sure others will be on here with some useful advice, but the first step is recognising that there's an issue. You've made that step. That's the most difficult.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 13:26

Yes, and threatening to smash your things is abuse too. Do you have any suooort?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 13:26

support

Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 13:27

Tf. If course it is !!
Now admit it to yourself as well. And get yourself some people to talk to and think about what needs to happen. ..

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/12/2020 13:28

Definitely abusive.

pog100 · 14/12/2020 13:30

No you are not being sensitive enough. The first time this type of threat or action happens should be enough to trigger a reaction in you that stops it. This is often the end of the relationship and so it should be. I'm sorry but he seems to be horrible to you.

Original poster
Lost2021 · 14/12/2020 13:32

I could have emotional support if I tell them, my mum, but scared to, I can't stay with her though. I have no others.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/12/2020 13:46

Those savings he has are half yours, but you will get them sooner by divorcing him than waiting for him to die. Btw, that debt you have - half his, so really he should pay it off for you. The benefits of marriage and divorce, you'll be much better off without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 14:03

Abuse like you describe and it absolutely is abuse that he is meting out here, thrives on secrecy. Can you tell your mother what is going on here?. If you cannot tell her yet then at the very least contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

You have taken a small but significant step in writing about him on here. Please keep posting and reading.

You are married to this man and thus have legal rights enshrined in law. I would see a Solicitor asap and commence divorce proceedings against him. You are NOT being too sensitive here and this is no atmosphere either to be raising your child in. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Bence69 · 14/12/2020 14:07

Its definitely abusive my stbxh smashed my phone to pieces as I wouldn’t give him the passcode to get into it. He also had all the money and I had to ask him if I needed shopping money or something for the kids. He was arrested two years ago for pulling a knife on me in front of the kids. Get out now x

Original poster
Lost2021 · 14/12/2020 14:36

My mum is coming over later, don't know if i am going to tell her yet but once i do i know she will hate him, I have told her things he has done in the past, threatening to kick me out and arguments we have had so she knows some of shitty behaviours but not the worst.
I just don't know what the do.

OP posts:
HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 14/12/2020 14:41

If you know your mum would hate how he is treating you, then you know how wrong this really is. Like PP said, abuse like this thrives on secrecy. The longer it goes on the harder it will become to tell anyone.

Obviously my advice would be to leave him, but that is not always possible so tell your family, build your support network for when you do leave him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 15:30

@Lost2021

My mum is coming over later, don't know if i am going to tell her yet but once i do i know she will hate him, I have told her things he has done in the past, threatening to kick me out and arguments we have had so she knows some of shitty behaviours but not the worst. I just don't know what the do.
Please, please tell her and tell her everything. It's scary because then it's real and you have to deal with it, but it's the only way you can get out of this situation. His behaviour isn't just abuse, it meets the threshold for abuse legally - coercive control, financial abuse and emotional abuse.

Please tell her today.

Windmillwhirl · 14/12/2020 15:34

Tell your mum. It will get the ball rolling. He's horrible and you need to face that fact and leave so you can enjoy your life.

category12 · 14/12/2020 15:37

In divorce, if he has benefited from your debt, (say, if it was created by paying household bills, groceries, house improvement, etc) then he's equally liable and it would be taken into account as such in the financial settlement.

loutypips · 15/12/2020 09:04

@Lost2021

My mum is coming over later, don't know if i am going to tell her yet but once i do i know she will hate him, I have told her things he has done in the past, threatening to kick me out and arguments we have had so she knows some of shitty behaviours but not the worst. I just don't know what the do.
Tell your mum. I'm sure she will help you.
updownroundandround · 15/12/2020 09:19

Tell your Mum, let her support you emotionally.

Physically, YOU need to tell him it's over and he has to move out.

Tell him with your Mum there.

Start your new life without his abuse.

There's no way you need to put up with his shit for a moment longer.

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