Resentment is eating away at our relationship

[StarsShineBrightly]

I don't know what to do anymore and I'm fantising about divorce. I lurch from I've had enough to it'll be ok, it's just a rough time at the moment.

We're in counselling but it's just started so we're going through the background.

DH has ADHD, he can't organise himself or tidy unless I cop a major strop. Asking nicely is ignored or termed nagging. Then he's lovely, does loads of jobs, but I'm still unhappy. It takes so much effort.

Today we had a number of jobs to do this afternoon after we've both been out with the kids getting cold. He comes home and falls asleep after lunch because he's cold and tired. This annoys me far more than it should. I'm in tears googling divorce, I'm just overwhelmed with everything.

I do most of my jobs and get kids to do most of theirs. He wakes up and we play a family game together, he does some of the jobs and leaves a couple.

Not every job is written down, so they don't count in his mind, but I still do them.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. I'm just shattered and not getting anywhere. He makes me feel like I'm over reacting when I get cross...I do get cross over things that are small, I'm aware of that, but there are so many small things and they all just seem to add up.

I'm tired and I don't know if being on my own would be better or worse. He's not abusive or horrible, just poorly organised and very much in the moment.

Sorry, that was rather long...

Does your DH take medication for his ADHD?

In what ways does he take responsibility for the deficiency in his organisational skills? What strategies does he use?

Would you feel less frustrated if he was being pro-active in managing his condition?

How old are the children? Do you both work?

Only you can say if the situation isn't right for you and if there are enough benefits but it seems you feel exhausted and that might make you mess tolerant.

Children are 8 and 10. 10 year old also has adhd and is medicated. DH not medicated, trying to get meds but he reacted badly to one so having to change and everything is going v. slowly, he forgets to chase them up.

My tolerance is very low. Yes I would feel so much better if he was pro active in managing it, but he's not. I'm not aware of any strategies he uses.

We both work. He's full time from home, but not really doing anything. I'm pretty much full time, demanding role out of the home.

my adhd son in law is 100% like this. he however agrees to fully fund a cleaner. a cleaner btw that he's had for a decade at least. he knows he's a hazard to harmony.

Do you believe if it's written down then he will do it? Could you work together on a repeated weekly rota that is accessible, maybe hanging on the kitchen wall or similar, stating seperate jobs?

I need a cleaner, can't quite manage one yet. I've had two and tidying up before they came was very stressful. When I do have one again, I'll pick a day that suits me and wait until I find a cleaner that can do that!

Lists generally do work well and we've tried the time table before, he needs to do it how he wants tho or else he won't engage with it. I need to try and get him to complete it as it may help.

Sorry OP, sounds tough, especially with kids to manage. questions that spring to mind... Has he always been like this? Is all of his behaviour caused by ADHD or is part of it also a lack of initiative on his part and him knowing you'll pick up the slack? If so, are there any things you could cut back on to help your organising workload? If it's worsened, does he know the triggers for it worsening?

Thanks,

Yes it's always been this way. It's just i have more demands on my time now and now to do so it's really noticeable that he's not picking up the slack.

I've tried cutting back, stuff just gets left. He forgot their swimming lessons, they've only just gone back. I was working from home so reminded the first week, the second week he completely forgot.

He does the school runs at the moment, in the morning I have to help get them ready/ organised or they would be late.

I think mostly it is his ADHD, but also that he's not really bothered by consequences. Kids being late to school isn't a concern for him. When one teacher got annoyed about it, he said she had the problem and the school's policy wasn't clear. This was when I had stood back from helping in the mornings when I had work.

I suspect my dh is very similar to yours op... He is very happy when I give him a list.. List of stuff relating to dc, or chores, or DIY.
Ticking it off keeps him organised... And me not annoyed!