Should I break up with him?

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi everyone
I am in a relationship with a man who is 8 years younger than me. I am 38 and he is 30. We have been together almost a year and everything is going really well except for one thing.
I have 4 kids from a previous relationship, the youngest is 8 years old and I do not plan on having any more. He has no children and has not met mine yet either as I feel it is still too soon.
The problem for me is that I think at some point he will want to have children and as a result I keep him at arms length emotionally and only really let him into my life on a superficial level.
He says he loves me and is not bothered about kids but I think that even if he thinks this now he will probably change his mind at some point in the next few years and if we are still together then I will be the one left heart broken.
Do you think I should call it off now before I become too invested and end up hurt? I’m really torn as to what I should do? Please help....any advice welcome

I married a man with the same age difference, at the same age. I only had one child from a previous relationship (and was single because my first husband left me for another woman after we discovered that getting pregnant a second time was difficult).

We had pre marriage relationship counselling and he was adamant that children was not an issue for him, my child "was enough" for him.

You can guess the rest, when he reached his mid thirties and his mates all started to have children he wanted to try, so I agreed but by this time I was in my early 40s and my heart wasn't in it. He said it was fine, he was happy, would never leave. But, he did, for the sake of having "his own children" he'd already lined her up and got her pregnant before he asked me to "release him to find someone to have children with". He said I'd never let him be a father to my son, but he'd known from the outset that my son had a father and spent half the week with his dad. He didn't need a father, he already had one.

It's easy to think one knows what one wants in the future but the reality is that we can't predict how we will feel about things as we age and life stages change. If I were advising me at that time now, I'd say don't marry him. Definitely Don't merge finances and see what happens.

I hate being a harbinger of doom but I wish mumsnet had been around and I'd posted your question at the time. I might have saved myself a lot of money, time, heartbreak and friends.

Thank you so much for your reply and I’m sorry that it turned out that way for you.
Sadly, I think you are right and even though I think he is genuine when he says it doesn’t matter to him at the minute I just know that in the next few years he will change his mind and by then I will have invested too much in the relationship.
I think if I cut it off now I can just about deal with it but another year or two in and I know It will be a lot harder.

It doesn’t really sound like a massive age gap written down but in terms of life experiences we are light years apart.

Yes, In fact it was 9 years for us and like you we were light years apart in life experience but thought our love would be enough. It wasn't.

I think you've been very sensible keeping the relationship separate from your children. It will hurt like crazy if you do part, but your children won't be hurt as well. Mine was, despite my exdh's proclamations that he'd not been allowed to father my son, they had a strong bond, we were married for 9 years.

My partner is around 5yr older than me without DC, but he's approaching 50 and gets on well with my DC (teens and 10). I think at 30 it's a very different situation and the idea of having a baby is still attractive. I think it could lead to heartache for you and your DC.

I think you should take a break- see how you feel with a bit of space between you and then have a very frank discussion. You could see if he would agree to a vasectomy? He may genuinely not want his own kids, some men don’t. He may also be like someone above said and not want them right now but want some eventually. You just don’t know until it happens. I think if you knew deep down that this relationship was right for you you wouldn’t feel the way you do about him meeting your child. It’s been a year and I would think you would be at least thinking about a plan for them to meet/ timeframe.

Thank you all for the replies. They are pretty much what I expected. I need to break it off for the sake of myself and my kids. I think 3u33y is right in that there is definitely a reason I haven't introduced him to the kids. At the back of my mind I have always had this niggling doubt about the future.
Breaking up is going to be difficult. When we talked about it a month or so ago he said that it was so unfair for me to split up with him over a decision that I thought he would make in the future.

You don't have to break up, but you do need to think carefully about the implications of continuing.

I am in a similar situation but I won't end it incase it might happen, if it does then he was never the man I thought he was.

I know ending things probably seems extreme but I just can't stop thinking that at some point in the future he is going to end it anyway to go and have kids with someone else so I am better to end it now while my kids are unaffected.
At the minute I really like him and I could definitely see myself falling in love but I have purposefully kept our relationship compartmentalized from the rest of my life. Ending things now, although difficult, seems like a better option than in two or three years time when the kids have met him and I have more than just feelings invested iyswim?
I am so conflicted as obviously I am guessing what will happen in the future and I could be completely wrong but from personal experience, I have found that men who say they don't want kids usually just don't want them with their current partner

Ah yes, "I don't want children (with you)". I think you're wise to keep pondering, I think you already have your answer.

Not necessarily. My DP never wanted children, with his ex and he doesn't want them with me either and I am the love of his life. He's had the snip now. All of his male friends haven't had their own kids either, they either have none or are step fathers.

Not all men want children (just like not all women do).

Plenty of people dont want children OP. I actually think it's wrong of you to break up because you're deciding for him that he is going to change his mind. You're not listening to what he is saying. If there is another reason why you think he wants children and not telling you then that's a different story. There are certain things in life I've never wanted and I'd be furious if someone decided they couldnt be with me in case I changed my mind. I'd feel a bit patronised.

Plenty of people say they don't want kids and then change their mind. Plenty of people want kids and then regret it. But plenty of people know their own minds and want kids and love being parents, or don't want kids and are perfectly happy with their choice.

I know a few people who married an older partner with kids and were happy never to have any that were biologically theirs.

I think if this is the only thing holding you back then it would be silly to throw something good away on a 'maybe'.

I married a much younger man who also swore he never wanted children. I was willing to have one more and each year I would check in and he always said no.

Then, he had his head turned and suddenly decided he wanted one. At that point, I'd been through menopause so it couldn't happen.

His online thing never became real life and so he lives alone. He's hinted about getting back together. I just ignore it. He already had his chance with me.

If you want to keep dating him, go ahead but I wouldn't be exclusive with him anymore. Give yourself the chance to meet someone more compatible.

OoohTheStatsDontLie I understand what you are saying and when we have spoken about it his argument is essentially what you have written in your post. Apart from this one issue, we have a very happy relationship.
My only other worry is that he might think I will change my mind about not having any more kids despite me making it absolutely clear that I won't.
RantyAnty what happened to you is exactly what I am worried about

Nobody can really say can they?
My partner is 10 years younger than me (I'm 38 he's 28) and we've been together nearly 3 years.
I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and have no desire to have any more. He has no children but has grown very close to mine (particularly my youngest who's 7)
We have discussed it at length and he insists that the bond he has with mine is more than enough for him.
I'm fully aware he may change his mind but I'm not one to live for ifs and buts. If he does then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

There's no guarantee with any relationship that it will last, with or without children.

I wouldn't break up with him on a what if. Not everybody wants kids and many more are ambivalent. I get that others on here have had bad experiences

Yes the relationship might not last but that's the chance you take with all relationships these days.

It's definitely harder to take risks when you're responsible for 4 children. I think it's the right decision. Men starting second families is very very common and the difference would be that your boyfriend would have no parental responsibility for your 4 children so there's that to consider too. I wouldn't risk it, but I'm choosing to be a single lone parent

The problem is that he’s probably 100% telling the truth when he says he doesn’t want kids.

But equally, he could be telling the truth for now.

He won’t know how he’ll feel years down the line but none of us ever know how we’ll feel years down the line.

I don’t like to say he’ll definitely want them because I HATE when people tell women they’ll regret remaining child free so there’s no reason to do it to a man!

Unfortunately there’s no right answer here. You don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t become a father but what if you split and he was serious about not wanting kids?

I can understand you wanting to protect yourself especially with 4 kids. However, I’m the woman in a relationship who got with a widower with one child. I genuinely have never had any desire to have a child. He offered to have another with me but I didn’t want one! There are some people who genuinely don’t want children and I’d hate this poor bloke to end up dumped because you think everybody wants kids. They dont! Being a loving step parent has always been enough for me x