When is enough, enough? Ds4 affecting marriage

[ADarkDarkSomething]

My son is 4, only child of me and husband (I have adult children with a large age gap, DS4 is his only).

Son is lovely, popular, bright, nice personality and can be very sweet, but in the other side, he has constant tantrums and attention seeking behaviours. Mealtimes are absolutely dreadful, like a war zone. He whines and whinges, my husband gets angry and if I say anything, it is All My Fault.
DS has slept in our main bed with my husband for two years now. I want my marital bed and room back, but my husband seems to be fine with the way it is because it is the 'only way we get any peace'. So here I am, on a mattress in the spare room. I might be being petty, but even if DH and I have a (now fairly rare) hug in front of my son, he runs over and pushes in. Sex almost never happens.
I am fed up with this and my husband's attitude that it's OK. I want to assert more boundaries, steer Ds off ( kindly) when he tries to push in, decorate the room next door to us and start the transition to his own bed but my husband thinks it's unnecessary. For my part, though, I now feel like a cook and cleaner sleeping on a mattress and that the relationship with my husband is slowly getting snuffed out. I even asked if he wanted a divorce and he looked at me like I was crazy and said 'Of course not!' But he can see we aren't having any sort of personal private life together.
Not sure what to think or if I am being Unreasonable but would be good to hear views.

YANBU at all. That would drive me barmy! I think the problem is your husband, not your son. It needs nipping in the bud now or else it will only get worse

Could you get a king size bed and join them? Why is it you who has been kicked out?

How long does your husband want to keep the peace and keep your DS sleeping in your bed?

Your son definitely needs to be in hos own room. Why don't you decorate it? And if your husband isn't the least bit concerned when you mentioned dovorce then he needs to wake up. Don't ask him - tell him what you need to happen for the marriage to continue.

To clarify, I moved out because the two of them moving and making noises/ son waking me by poking my face was becoming really problematic for me and I couldn't relax - I have PTSD and have trouble being unexpectedly touched but you can't really expect a 4 year old to understand that. It is a super king bed so it's big enough.

I am unsure how long my husband thinks it will continue. I know he is desperate for more sleep (health issues) but at the same time I am really unhappy and feel resentful, which makes me feel awful as a mum, resentful of my own son!

Like a lot of men I read about on here, I think my husband is quite apathetic and will let the status quo simply continue unless I actually walked out or something, which I wouldn't do because I don't want drama or upset but my goodness it is tempting.

This sounds awful OP. I think you need to sit down and discuss a way forward with your DH with the main priority been getting your son in his own room. Your DH might just want a quiet life where your DS is concerned but the result will be your marriage breaking down. The fact your husband thinks it's ok that your on a mattress on the floor is worrying. If your husband doesn't want things to change and you don't want to split up, I would decorate the room your in. Get a proper bed and tv, etc. Make it your own. See how it likes it then x

Your son definitely needs to be in hos own room.

Not really, it's not necessary for little kids to sleep alone. Western civilization is quite weird in insisting that they do. You have to do what works for your family. The problem here is that there's a fairly big disconnect between what the OP thinks that is and what her husband thinks it is. I've seen marriages break down over this issue, though usually it's the mum who is in favour of bed sharing.

Its not just the marriage.

This kind of behaviour from your husband towards your son is what breeds narcissist’s - and its well established that our basic character traits are formed by the age of 4 or 5.

Your son needs firm boundaries but if DH wont instil them with you it just cant work.

I would be more resentful of your DH. You're pissing against the wind if your DH is enabling your DS's unreasonable behaviour. Is there a back story as to why your DH is happy with no real relationship with you. Because it honestly sounds like his relationship with his child is the only thing that matters to him.

Not saying you are raising a narc but your son needs boundaries

@Ifitaintgotnoswing

Not saying you are raising a narc but your son needs boundaries

This

"This kind of behaviour is what breeds narcissists"

Can you tell me a bit more about what you mean? It is something I have worried about a lot. At his best, my son is completely adorable and lovely, but at his worst, I fear he is becoming spoilt and entitled. He was rude about his birthday presents, for example, to my great dismay. Of course I don't want to reject him or break his spirit, but I do worry about his attention seeking (school have remarked 'lightly' on the same subject)
H and I are from different cultures so
perhaps this is in play, I am
not sure. He's also an only, I am one of a large sibling group.

Take the bed back & let your DH sleep on the mattress in the spare room, your DS can sleep with him there. Let’s see how long it takes for your DH to decide that your DS needs his own room.
You’re making it too comfortable for him, the only person put out is you.

I do also wonder if the relationship with his son is the only thing that matters. My husband was desperate to become a dad and is terribly concerned with the best schools, medical care etc. Seems there is not a lot left for me now, though!

I would worry that they will eventually push you out. As your DS gets older the good cop /bad cop parenting will be much more evident. Your DH's parenting is unhealthy and will create a monster if it's not dealt with. I'm sorry you're having to live like this because it sounds horrendous. 💐

@Lordamighty

Take the bed back & let your DH sleep on the mattress in the spare room, your DS can sleep with him there. Let’s see how long it takes for your DH to decide that your DS needs his own room. You’re making it too comfortable for him, the only person put out is you.

Great suggestion.

I honestly can't imagine why you have tolerated this.

Your son doesn't sound loved at all.
He's 4 years old and he is being utterly failed by both his parents.

Within a couple of years at most he is going to be a total nightmare and it will be remarked in.

He is being reared to rule the house with his appalling behaviour.

He is being clearly taught that there aren't any boundaries and he can be as demanding, rude and entitled as he likes.

Your husband is lazy and clearly putting himself ahead of what his child needs.

As @Lordamighty has written you need to lay down the law and tell your husband that you have done your time on the floor on the mattress, now it's his turn.

And mean it.

Personally, if this is what he thinks a marriage is, divorce sounds appealing.

At least you could have your son 50/50 and try and provide some healthy boundaries for him.

I repeat, you are BOTH failing your son and you will all suffer the consequences of this.

Unfortunately your husband is suiting himself so it is up to you to make the necessary changes that are desperately required.

He is loved. But we are trying to go along, as best we can. It's not easy - he is VERY demanding.
I am getting the bedroom ready for him, and without a doubt will be putting that in place. Not sure what to do regarding the other stuff (screaming, not following instructions, mealtimes) so if anyone knows then advice will be welcomed - I know I need to clamp down and make these changes. It's all got too much recently.

Apologies OP, that should have read "lovely".

Unfortunately when things get to a stage that a 4 year old is running the home, you are really going to have to decide yourself how determined are you to turn this around.

The reason your son is a persistent, demanding child is that he has been taught that this behaviour works.

You can't blame him for behaving in a way that he knows gets him EXACTLY what he wants.

He knows that NO means nothing.

Nagging by my children NEVER worked because a) it pissed me off hugely, and b)it made me even more determined to let them know it wouldn't work.
Children stop doing what doesn't work.
They are very clever that way.

You need to stop giving into him.
Let him scream and shout until he is worn out, however long it goes on.
Walk away from him.
Ignore him.

Don't give oxygen to his misbehaviour.
Take any technology away from him.
Remove his favourite toys.
Keep removing things he likes and don't give them back until he gets that you mean business.
Do not allow him to interrupt your conversation and contine.
Stop him with a 🤚and ask him calmly "please do not interrupt, mummy is speaking", and mean it.

Consistency is the most important thing.

Children are driven by self interest. They will only change their behaviour through self interest.
Asking them to not do this or that rarely works.
They usually change their behaviour because they realise it is to their advantage.

This is why you have to be firm, resolute, calm, consistent.
You need to make it very very clear that his tantrums, rudeness, bratty behaviour will no longer work.

Obviously you need your husband to be onside for best results.

Good luck

Hi OP, I'm no expert but if I were you I'd be wanting to look at getting you and DH on the same general page about how you are going to parent your son. I think couple's counselling would be the way I'd want to do this. The immediate problem is you sleeping on the spare room mattress; but the deeper problem is that you're worried about the kind of child you are raising and you and DH not being in agreement on what that should look like. I think solving the sleeping arrangements without solving the deeper issue will be a pointless exercise.

If you can find the time and childcare to spend an hour together once a week with a professional helping you both to reconnect as husband and wife, work out what your united-front parenting strategy looks like, and more generally build towards creating the family that you both want, then I think you'll really be able to make progress.

Wish you best of luck X

Thank you, all. Well, I have been very strict tonight and ended up not reading stories because he wouldn't stop jumping and throwing cushions, so I left him in bed. Felt mean and rotten when I came down though. Argh!

Who's bed did you leave him in? Yours and DH's? And where are you sleeping tonight, in DS's bed?

Good advice from @billy1966, consistency is crucial. You may need to take one step at a time though. Would you and your DH be open to participating in a parenting course?
Another tip would be to involve your DS in choosing the decor in his new room and make the move exciting!

OMG Fuck that arrangement! My son slept in his own cot in his own room from 6 months. 4 years!! That's well unhealthy. No child will be doing this without some encouragement along the way and that is down to your DH. Sounds like you produced a son for him, now that's your job done and he's now his. Your DH is being clingy to an unhealthy degree and now it seems he's just interested in your DS, rather than you and your opinion or place as a mother or wife.

That's well unhealthy.

No, it isn't. It's commonplace in many cultures. In fact, from a global perspective we're quite weird as a culture in expecting that small children sleep alone.

No child will be doing this without some encouragement along the way

Nope. From a biological perspective, children sleeping with their parents is the natural way of doing things. They feel safer that way- heck, lots of adults prefer company when sleeping. There does come a point eventually where kids start to want their own space away from parents when sleeping, but, if allowed to, most four year olds will happily share a sleeping space with their parents.