He has moved on apparently

[ALittleBitLostNow]

DH and I have separated this year: it's been on the rocks for a while so he moved into his late dad's old house nearby to give us some breathing space during lockdown and it's worked very well, we're both much happier, not rowing, and enjoying our space. DC are almost grown up and ok with the changes. Plan is to amicably divorce after 2 yrs. We see each other several times a week, Sunday lunch here with the DC when possible, and there's still loads of his crap stuff in this house. Finances sorted and all is well.

He asked me a few months ago how I'd feel if he had another woman. I said I wasn't sure but I'd like to hear it from him rather than on grapevine etc. With pandemic etc I didn't expect it to happen soon (and personally I don't see him as much of a catch ) but today he told me that there is someone else.

My first reaction was to ask about arrangements re social bubble. He obviously had given it no thought and was a bit blasé. I have no idea what family she has so dont know how much risk there is in him and her meeting (shagging?) and feel reluctant to ask. In theory it's none of my business but if there's huge bubble mixing going on, and she has multiple kids at school, or elderly parents or whatever, it IS something that needs to be addressed.

And then there's the other tiny bit of me inside that feels like I've bern punched. I fell out of love with him a couple of years ago, I don't want to be with him any more, and he has traits that positively repel me. But this really is it, officially, if there's someone else and I'm not sure how to process it.

Of course it’s upsetting. He was a massive part of your life and he’s moving on without you.

Regardless of whether you have any feelings for him this will be difficult. Be kind to yourself, it’ll pass

My goodness, talk about having your cake and eating it! So he doesn't need to spend his valuable time and money parenting his children. He just pops into yours and has a meal.

Then goes home to lead the life of a single man.

Tell me, does he bring his laundry round to yours as well? Do you send him away with a few home cooked meals ?

Do you have “ mug” tattooed on your forehead ?

Of course you feel like you’ve been punched ! He’s used you and you’ve let him .

You need better boundaries. So YOU can move on with your life too.

Sending hugs, this must be really confronting.

I think that the boundaries have been blurred, unfortunately. Could the kids be hoping for a reconciliation? They could take the news of the girlfriend quite badly if so. Things will change significantly for everyone now even though they’ll always be his priority I’m sure.

If I were his best mate and I knew that you hadn’t been in love with him for a while, I’d be so happy for him now and I’d be expecting you to accept it tbh.

To be fair, we are both leading the single life now in many ways. One DC spends more of the week with dad, because it's convenient for college, and the other is a uni student who lives here in the holidays. I am living in our beautiful family home which I have poured my heart and soul into (and which I am now redecorating to reflect just my own taste!) and he is prepared to continue paying the mortgage/bills on it. I can't afford it on my own PT salary, and I was a SAHM for 15 years while he worked odd hours and went abroad most weeks. He has many failings but at least he's not quibbling about finances! And no, I don't do his laundry and make him dinners! Sunday lunch became a family thing during lockdown, DC really enjoy them and they do at least help prepare and H washes up.

I am concerned about his being in close contact with a completely other person/persons and it being brought back to our family support bubble. Both our workplaces are extremely secure, virus-wise and our DC are also in very small discrete groups. But apart from expressing concern, what can I do? I know nothing about her or where she lives etc. I don't think he's told the DC - should I tell them? Or wait til he does? Or what?

And I feel really reluctant to tell anyone else, my friends/family/colleagues. They all know him too, as we've been together 25 yrs, and it feels a bit like I've actually been replaced and maybe they will want to get to know her and socialise with 'them'? I'm totally overthinking it, because it's always me that makes the social arrangements and he hasn't got many of his 'own'friends so probably no one will be bothered. But there's that nagging feeling that I will be the one left with no one to confide in.

Now I'm feeling even worse

Fair play that you are amicable and it is best for the children if you can continue with good relations.

It is highly predictable as many men move on so quickly, literally weeks, they seem incapable of ever being alone. It will feel strange but over time this will ease.

I think you can ask him to consider Covid but realistically you can police it. The new gf may also be worried about him and Uni children. Hopefully he will just be safe as sure he won't want to impact you.

Amicable is good. Just as long as it doesn't mean you continuing to do wife-work for him.

My ex apparently though that I would still spend hours every evening listening to his work or family problems. I told him to tell his AP . “ But you are the only one who understands ! “ he whined.

When the affair partner ran off with his money ( actually our money ) he was aggrieved that I didn't support him in his grief. He told me that he was a victim and had been deceived.

He also told me in a tone of surprise that in fact housework actually takes up a lot of time.

And complained to me that there was nothing in his Fridge at home ( I know it’s heartbreaking isn’t it ? The poor lamb. Because when we were married the food was bought and cooked by fairies ).

He is still surprised that teenagers are messy at his house, because he never had to pick up after them at home.

His entitlement knows no bounds. He’s apparently been in counselling fir years and she must be shit because he’s has not one tiny little shred of self awareness in 5 years.

Rant over.

C0NNIE I think this is therapeutic for you
I do sympathise. But my H learned when I finally went back to work that the fairies don't do the work. I literally would leave his dishes where he left them til he washed up eventually. Didn't do his laundry or change his towels (he left those for 3 months ) He worked a few things out.

Now my DC who lives there 70% of the time says "it's messy, dad never cleans the bathroom, there's nothing interesting in the fridge", but at 17 is at least able to buy stuff and cook and keep their own space tidy. Meanwhile my house is fabulously lovely, is easy to clean, and stuff is still in the same place as I left it!

H did say he wouldn't move another woman in with him (there's no space with all his clutter, apart from anything else) and he's very careful with money so unlikely to get scammed. Part of me is quite intrigued by this woman... wait til she meets his mother (my mother said the silver lining to us separating is that she never feels like she is ever obliged to see/contact my MIL again. I have been NC with her for 3 yrs)

The best thing you can do is own the hurt, pain & probable shock at what's happening. Don't use "support bubbles" and all sorts of covid nonsense to find a way to talk to him about it.

Acknowledge to him (if you want) and to yourself that it's come as a shock, you're understandably hurt about it, but don't go at him with questions about support bubbles and who she sees etc as if you're being honest with yourself it's just a way to know more about her, which ultimately won't be any good for the hurt you're feeling.

The COVID 'nonsense' is quite serious. Unfortunately H has bought into the conspiracy theory about COVID and doesn't think we should be worried about it, consequently it won't worry him who he mixes with etc. I work in the NHS and know it's very real and take the social distancing thing seriously. And if she has the same attitude as him then they are potentially increasing the viral load for all of us. Yes I'd like to know more about her, and he'd probably tell me if I asked, but right now I'd just like to know how many people she's mixing with and how it might affect me, my family, and also my colleagues. H also sees his 80+ mum twice a week (in her house, no distancing), who also thinks it's all nonsense but is not in the best of health so if she catches it, it could be serious. And that will directly affect my DC emotionally, and therefore me.

I feel for you. I have seen this scenario played out with my close friends. Don't love their hubby, decided to separate but, oh look I can still play happy families as he comes round a couple of times a week every Sunday for lunch, if possible, and the boundaries get blurred. It placed you in a false sense of security. You were unable to fully move on from him as you had him around you when you separated. So sub consciously you had what you wanted. A husband who doesn't live with you but happy families during the week and Sundays too. You really weren't separated but almost dating. It lured you into a nice comfortable life that I probably guess you quite liked?

I think this is less of the support bubble but more about your feelings towards him moving on with someone else despite you saying he isn't much of a catch. Sadly, as others have said, you can't police this. You can have the conversation around it with him and trust that he will uphold your concerns. I assume he will no longer be going around for Sunday lunch now and meeting during the week? All I can say is thank goodness he wont be around and popping in for home comforts. You can now move on, he can live his life and now the children can adapt to that and get to know the new lady in his life. You will now have the space to meet someone new as I doubt another man will want your husband coming over during the week and Sunday lunch. Take this as a step towards freedom for yourself. Its what you wanted and now you have a great opportunity to find happiness with someone else as your husband has.

Wow stop feeding him for a start!

She's his bubble. She can do his roasties :)

OP I think it’s great that your separation has been so amicable. Can’t believe some of the posters above! Your DC must be happy and relieved that you both get on and you can all still see each other as a family. You can distance yourself a bit until the Covid scenario settles. Hopefully this new relationship will not affect your friendship.

Thank you @Coronawireless Not all marriage breakdowns are bitter and acrimonious! We have both said that we see each other as friends but if we met now we wouldn't fancy each other. It's so sad but also I'm happy that we haven't got to the stage of hating each other. We both have family members that have maintained good relationships with ex spouses (my uncle was married twice, for 25 yrs and then for 40yrs til his death, and the blended family parties were a thing of joy to all) and that is what we'd like to achieve.

I think a pp is right though, in saying I have been enjoying the socialising with H but without the hassle of living with him, and now that bubble's burst and I need to move on to the next stage. I am genuinely glad surprised he's met someone else but it's stirred up a bit of anxiety about how it will work in reality -eg with our children, with family occasions in the future, and so on. I am not a doormat by any means, and I will fight for my happiness and that of my children, but I also don't want to cause trouble and I'd rather everyone just got along.

It's very cathartic to ramble on here so thank you for reading and it's interesting to read how my thoughts have progressed overnight. I'm sure there's a written thing like the Stages of Grief that can be used for the Stages of Divorce.

I can just imagine it must feel like a punch in the stomach. But it will get better with time.

If you have not already done so, I think you need to try to formalise the financial situation. It sounds like the family house is really impoerant to you (very understandable). While he may have said he is happy to keep paying the mortgage, that position may change once his new relationship becomes more established - she might put pressure on him to buy a new house for them and be resentful of him making any large payments that benefit you. It’s best to sort these things out now rather than have an unpleasant surprise two years down the line...

It’s normal to feel upset, I think. I left my exh because he was having the latest in a long line of affairs, and I had actually moved on and met someone else when I found out he was officially seeing the OW (they had been keeping it on the downlow until she left her husband), but it still hurt. It passed tho, and I actually get on well with him as a friend now. I think it just takes time. But how you feel is pretty normal. Relationships are complex things......

Even if he is 'not much of a catch' given the possibility of the DC meeting him or you meeting them in say the supermarket, he has done the right thing by telling you.

Remember, even if he has traits that repel you, some women think differently. Look at Mick Jagger's relationship history, for example.

If you have not already done so, I think you need to try to formalise the financial situation

This ^^. If he’s moving on, you need to get everything sorted out. I can imagine it’s a blow to the stomach that he’s seeing someone else, but you’re handling it really well- and after all, you don’t want him, do you. It’s a stage that has to be gone through and it sounds as if you’re both trying hard to keep things amicable, which is great. I don’t really know what to advise about the Covid situation- perhaps you could mention his elderly Mum and that you all need to minimize the risk of to her? Although she may be vaccinated in the coming weeks. As your Mum might be as well.

Thanks for the advice about finances. The mortgage is a joint one, which can't be altered unless we both sign to agree the change. He owns the house he's living in outright with no mortgage or anything. I couldn't get the mortgage for this house on my salary alone. He doesn't want to have to sell either house (estate agents, solicitors, expense) and genuinely wants me to live here as long as I want and to be happy. I am due to inherit a substantial sum within 10 yrs, after which I will be independently secure and will pay off anything outstanding on the house, after which he will sign it into my sole ownership. That is our agreement, but Is there a way of ensuring this arrangement is formal/binding in case of the worst happening? If we drafted a document and got it witnessed, would it stand up in court?

If he did end up defaulting, and it went to court, he would get clobbered because of his high earnings (he works for a huge national company who would not shield him in a situation like this, and he doesn't do the kind of job that can be self-employed. He has talked of several colleagues previously who have ended up having wage deductions at source to pay for their ex wives and families.)

When my feelings have calmed down a bit, perhaps after the Christmas season, I'll ask him about her and try to glean a bit of what her intentions might be. I can't see him wanting to share a house with another woman for a good few years now that I have put him off completely

OP it’s great that you are amicable, I’m so weary of people on MN assuming everyone has to tear chunks out of each other (also that, as a woman, you must be doing the cooking and laundry etc). I had a similar end to my 30 year marriage. It’s good.

BUT

You need to protect yourself re the terms of your separation, especially now there is a new person involved. See a solicitor. I divorced my ex double quick (within 12 months) so that I knew exactly where I stood. We agreed on his unreasonable behaviour, he even completed the grounds himself so no feelings were hurt. It can be as little as failing to put the bins out, the court process does not care. Just be quick because the ground can shift if you’re not.

ALSO

When I heard about his new gf I was gobsmacked and I did feel punched in the stomach. That lasted a couple of months then I realised it was the kick up the arse that I needed to genuinely move on myself. Three years later and oh my! life is changed so much, and all for the better. While it may feel pleasant right now OP, you’re in limbo. Take action.

Any agreement you have now is just that, its just talk. Other posters have given you advise to quickly cement this. It might be all lovely now but sadly I have seen things change when the new woman comes along and the man falls in love again and wants to please her and she then rules the roost. I am not saying this is going to happen to your husband but you need to pop in to a solicitor and get legal advise as soon as you can. You say he will sign the house over to you now, which is very generous of him. Take his generosity he has and bolt for the door to get it formalised. Things change, feelings change and people change.

I can only reiterate. I was amicable with ex too, until his new relationship. Luckily for us we had a financial order in place but believe me and everyone else that your head may spin with the velocity of how quickly the financial situation can change when another partner comes into the mix, and in some ways that's completely understandable. save for providing for the children, of course his money goes to his future not his past, why would it not?

You MAY be in the minority of women who are supported by their ex husbands for years to come,but the chances are you will not be so get it signed off and agreed.