Should I be over my marriage after a year?

[mckiwi07]

My stbxh and I separated a year ago after he had an affair and left. Despite this we are co-parenting reasonable well and are generally civil to each other. He is still with the OW.

I get the feeling he expects me to be over it by now and be moving on with my life. I'm in a much better place that I was a year ago but I don't think I'm even close to being 'over it'.

I still feel sad/angry regularly. I think back to our marriage and I think I was genuinely happy until the last year when he shut down emotionally and physically on me (around the time the emotional affair started, it became physical just before he left). My stbxh keeps telling me that he knows he's made mistakes but that we hadn't been happy for years but I don't know if he's trying to rewrite history to make himself feel better?

Over the course of the last 3 years of our marriage he told me on 3 occasions that he wasn't happy, that he felt we were more like flatmates than spouses. Each time we spoke at length to each other and I reassured him I still loved him but reminded him we had small DC, were both working etc and that things would get better. He said after each conversation that he was feeling better and that things were good again. Now he never showed any other signs he was unhappy, he didn't put any other effort into 'fixing things' and I was under the impression all was ok.

Just before he started his affair I thought we were in a really good place, DC were getting bigger, we had more time for each other, sex life had got better,(it had never stopped) etc and then he suddenly just shut down on me.

I suppose my question is, is he rewriting history and saying he was unhappy for years to make himself feel better or should I genuinely accept that 3 conversations in 3 years was him making enough of an effort to save our marriage. I feel like if I was the one considering ending the marriage I would have put a lot more effort in to trying to save it and I expected the same from him.

I feel like I need to understand his reasoning for doing what he did to help me process it and move on properly.

He did what he did because he could and he thought he'd get away with it.

He may have been unhappy on and off over those three years, that doesn't mean that you have to feel he tried hard enough. Maybe he feels he did, maybe he feels he didn't.

How long were you together? I think ultimately if you're betrayed it will take longer to get over than if it just breaks down mutually. It isn't for his to decide how you should feel .
I do think after a year if you're still feeling sad and angry a lot, for yours and the children's sake, you probably would benefit from working on processing your feelings so you can move on.

It sounds like he was unhappy in the marriage, and made some attempts to discuss it.
I don't condone him having an affair but he is happier now.
A separation is not dissimilar from a grieving process and you can't put a time limit on it. But one day you will feel better.
You are being very strong to maintain a civil coparenting routine while still hurting so much and should be very proud of yourself for this.

One thing that helped me was looking at me and working out my behaviour. What he thinks doesn't matter. It's actually good he left, many men have lengthy affairs. Why did you accept being almost flat mates? What did you live about him? By looking more at yourself you can be clearer about what you want in the future. Of course lots of men rewrite history, it's not worth investigating the whys and wherefores, think about yourself and work on yourself. He's your coparent now, that's it, don't give him opportunities to tell you personal opinions about your life, you're no longer interested in his opinion

Thanks for all your thoughts. We were together 18 years. I suppose I am still coming to terms with what he did, I thought we were different and it would never happen to us. I was completely blindsided when he told me he was in love with someone else and was leaving.

When I say I'm regularly upset/angry I mean for brief periods, day to day I'm coping ok but I do wonder if counseling would help me process my feelings a bit more?

When he left all my focus was on the DC and making sure they were ok. They have coped amazingly well and seem to be very happy and secure. I wonder if now I'm feeling more confident they are ok I'm able to focus on how I feel a bit more?

There is no such thing as being "over it" when it comes to grief. That's not how it works. What you're describing sounds natural in the circumstances, I don't see anything "wrong" with you.

And I wouldn't be taking any notice of the views of the person who caused your grief on this subject. He's speaking from his own self interest.

I think your doing remarkably well op.

1 years is not long at all after being together for 18 years.

If only he could have told you 3 years previously that he had been, that unhappy, you could have been actively looking for another life partner as he had been doing.

Then it wouldn't have hurt so much.

Oh and don't even let him feel that you should be over it by now, the man means nothing and is not worthy of your time or thoughts.

You were together 18 years and you are expecting yourself to be 'over' it? Doesn't work that way. It's been 3 years since mine and I still get angry and cry. It's a gradual 'process'. If he expects you to have 'moved on' (god I hate that phrase) then he is also the type to re-write the narrative and he is also insensitive and mean. Just be gentle with yourself. Some counselling will help.

Thank you to everyone who has commented. It has been good to gain a perspective from people who are on the outside. My family and friends are telling me I'm coping well but they would say that! It's reassuring to hear that they way I'm feeling after a year is actually probably quite normal and it's maybe that stbxh has his own agenda for expecting me to be over it. Thanks again

You are doing incredibly well by coparenting despite the trauma of the situation. He probably wants you to get over it because of his guilt in his behaviour. Don't worry about what he thinks. I would imagine that even though he may have told you that things weren't right for him, you continued to live your lives as a couple until the very end. These mixed messages must be very hard to understand. I would imagine that you are questioning everything that you believed to be the truth about your relationship. It's very difficult to work out what happened when he was probably leading two lives, the surface level lifestyle and his deeper desire to leave. He was waiting for an exit affair to soften his landing whilst you had no idea what he was planning. That's a lot of trauma to carry and a year is not long at all. Be kind to yourself

No

It takes as long as it takes. He wants you to be over it to assuage his guilt.