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Original poster

My partners son has met my family, but he has never tried to introduce my son to his.

46 replies

Teachermammy · 13/12/2020 11:00

Hi,

I have been with my partner for a year now. We both have a son each with a previous long term partner. His son is 2, and has met all my family. My family have bought him presents for birthday and Christmas. He calls my mam nannie and my sister auntie. I always make effort to make sure he is made to be part of the family.

My partner is really good with my son, and treats him no different to his own. However his family have never asked to meet him and my partner has never even tried to introduce him to them either. When I was supposed to do something with his family but then couldn't because I have had my son back early from his dads, they've never just said to bring him with me or anything. I end up just not attending because I have my son. When its been the other way round though, I tell my partner just to bring his son and so do my family.

Is this just me being daft being upset over it? Feeling like they aren't as bothered and not feeling great about the situation?

OP posts:
BarkHoneyBark · 13/12/2020 13:51

So how long has he been split from the mum before you got together?

Original poster
Teachermammy · 13/12/2020 14:04

@BarkHoneyBark

So how long has he been split from the mum before you got together?
A few months
OP posts:
Rybvita · 13/12/2020 14:08

@SmallBalloonAnimals

I'd be more concerned that his son is calling your family 'nannie' and 'auntie' and is made to feel like 'part of the family' after only a year than that your son hasn't met your boyfriend's family tbh.

Your son is far more emotionally protected should your relationship break down than his son is.

This.

Also, don't see why you'd expect your boyfriend's family to ask to see the son of a woman he's only been dating a year and is in no way related to them?? Confused. I'm sure your son is lovely but in their situation I certainly wouldn't see the need at this stage (especially with Covid risk), and would in fact think it's for best since you both could break up soon anyway.

Sounds like you're the one keen to push a 'happy family' situation but the thing is, you can't manufacture it without a firm foundation of properly knowing each other, warts and all. BOTH of you have to be secure in your relationship as a couple first (as in see each as being together long term). A year (especially with Covid lockdowns/social distancing) is way too soon to know that especially with the complicating factor of both of you having kids already.

Rybvita · 13/12/2020 14:17

@Boredofitallnow

I can't believe people think a year is too soon......how many years are you supposed to wait?

It seems to me it just delays matters for no good reason, and shuts the kids out of important people and parts of your life. Children are very adaptable.

But important people to whom? Certainly not to the children - the important people in their lives are their own parents and the families they've grown up with, not the latest boyfriend/girlfriend that their parent is dating who only has an incidental interest in them because they're dating their parent.

It's not in any child's interests to have people coming in and out of their lives and sounds like they've been through enough disruption and unsettlement already with the major life change of their parents splitting up!

HotSince63 · 13/12/2020 14:20

Oh another thread where a man has found a woman who lets him move in without paying a penny towards bills.

I'll bet you do all the cooking and washing for him and his child too - and no doubt you, 'nannie' and 'auntie' look after his child while he goes off and does his own thing during what is supposed to be his contact time.

He's not bothered about integrating your child into his family. He's quite happy keeping you and your child separate when it suits. That says it all.

SmallBalloonAnimals · 13/12/2020 14:21

I can't believe people think a year is too soon......how many years are you supposed to wait?

It's not too soon to meet but it is too soon for them to be 'family' and using family names.

My son has a step dad.

He called his step dad by his first name for 4 years and his parents 'aunt and uncle' but as a courtesy title.

Now, 8 years after we split up, my son is in his 20s, his step dad has been dad for most of his life, voluntarily paid maintenance for him after we split and maintains a relationship with both his step dad and step grandparents.

If the OP and her boyfriend split up, his son will have lost a nannie and an auntie because a year is to short a relationship for them to maintain contact/a relationship.

FootprintsInTheDew · 13/12/2020 14:24

@VivaMiltonKeynes

It is far too soon to get children involved with extended family !
Only on MN would it be considered too soon to meet extended family after a year Grin
SmallBalloonAnimals · 13/12/2020 14:24

But important people to whom? Certainly not to the children - the important people in their lives are their own parents and the families they've grown up with, not the latest boyfriend/girlfriend that their parent is dating who only has an incidental interest in them because they're dating their parent.

Absolutely this!

I've never so much as had a boyfriend stop overnight with my children there since my ex and I split up. Any relationship I have is mine and my business until I am certain they're going to be a long term fixture in mine and my children's lives.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 13/12/2020 14:28

He may be taking his cue from you. When DP met my DC he very much waited for me to initiate any form of milestone as he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. He viewed that I knew what was appropriate for my DC. The fact that you have let his DC meet your family isn't necessarily relevant.

I really don't understand the passivity. It's a bit like game playing. Just say next time "I'll have DC so we can all go together " if he says no then it is an issue to discuss.

Whether it is too early or not is not for this thread to decide but it does speak volumes that there is so much passivity and game playing. Just have the conversation if this is an adult conversation.

I think DP would probably say the same sort of things if I was buggering around and hinting etc. He would get fed up and just say "ok well if he can't come he can't come".

Dontbeme · 13/12/2020 14:48

we don't officially live together but he's at mine every night, on weekends when he has his son he stops at mine with him also

So where does BF stay on the weekends he doesn't have his son? How much childcare are you doing for his DC and does it not make you sad for your son that he is not accepted in the same way your family have been so kind and welcoming to this other child? At 6 your DC must question why that is.

Boredofitallnow · 13/12/2020 14:57

"But important people to whom? Certainly not to the children - the important people in their lives are their own parents and the families they've grown up with, not the latest boyfriend/girlfriend that their parent is dating who only has an incidental interest in them because they're dating their parent.

Absolutely this!

I've never so much as had a boyfriend stop overnight with my children there since my ex and I split up. Any relationship I have is mine and my business until I am certain they're going to be a long term fixture in mine and my children's lives."

So how long would you wait to decide that they were a long term fixture? I realise it won't be some fixed answer but, genuinely, what? 3,4, 5 years? Longer?

Can you really call someone a boyfriend if you have a relationship lasting years but never stay over together - or do people think that in fact you have to stay single if you have children?

Chamomileteaplease · 13/12/2020 15:00

Sounds like this man loves having to not look after his son by himself because you are there to help. But he doesn't want to repay the favour by bringing your son into the fold.

However, I agree with others, this is all very rushed and it's a good thing for your son that by the time he is invited in, hopefully things will be more serious between you.

Also, if you want your son to go to some event/family get together, just ask. Hints are too annoying and easy to ignore.

SmallBalloonAnimals · 13/12/2020 15:12

So how long would you wait to decide that they were a long term fixture? I realise it won't be some fixed answer but, genuinely, what? 3,4, 5 years? Longer?

It's not about the duration but the intention and having the conversations.

My ex/my son's step dad talked a lot about it. It wasnt something that just happened. I wouldnt have allowed a situation like the one the OP describes to arise.

IMO, the OP has taken her cues about the validity of the relationship from the way in which her boyfriend allows his son to call her mum nannie etc when it's a conversation that should have taken place long before that stage.

I don't think others should follow my model but i havent had a proper relationship with anyone since his step dad and I split up because I didnt want to introduce someone else into my son's life.

SmallBalloonAnimals · 13/12/2020 15:15

Sounds like this man loves having to not look after his son by himself because you are there to help. But he doesn't want to repay the favour by bringing your son into the fold.

This.

It sounds like he hasn't really considered the emotional impact on his child because he's only young and children are adaptable and it's what he wants. But he hasn't reciprocated because he doesnt see his girlfriend's son as part of the family.

nimbuscloud · 13/12/2020 15:17

So where does BF stay on the weekends he doesn't have his son? How much childcare are you doing for his DC

This. You’re of use to him when he has it’s son - that’s as clear as day.

nimbuscloud · 13/12/2020 15:17

His son.

aSofaNearYou · 13/12/2020 15:26

I think you just need to talk to him about it OP, it's not at all clear whether they're not inviting him because THEY don't want him there or because they think you don't. You'll never know unless you ask.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rybvita · 13/12/2020 23:34

Sounds like this man loves having to not look after his son by himself because you are there to help. But he doesn't want to repay the favour by bringing your son into the fold.

Hit the nail on the head here. From what OP has described around him staying overnight when he can and son being integrated into her family, it sounds mainly like a "nice enough" relationship of convenience for him; he has an eager to please woman (the OP) who's providing him with sex and free childcare in her home, all without any need for him to be legally or otherwise tied to her! This is the perfect set up for many single dads who have broken up with the mother of their children, and are now keen to offload childcare of their own kids to the next replacement female they find, plus get convenient sex on tap. OP stop selling yourself short - you're putting way more emotionally and practically into this relationship than he is.

litterbird · 14/12/2020 09:24

You met only a few months after the demise of his last relationship. He is still processing this. He is being sensible and he feels he is not ready to have his family to meet your son for a reason. He is still not sure if you are the one. Men are quite simple creatures. He fell on his feet with you, you allow him to live with you almost free, great babysitter on tap and no questions asked. He will let you know when he is ready for you to be integrated into his family. You may just have to wait for that. Be careful you aren't the rebound relationship and when he is over his last relationship he will be off. Sorry to sound harsh but seen this too many times.

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 11:44

The Nannie and Aunty thing is a step too far. He presumably has his own Grandmother's and perhaps Aunt’s, you’re not even his legal step-mother so asking a small child to refer to your family as anything other than their names is just outrageous. I’d be furious if I were the child’s Mother.

You’ve only been together for a year and his son is tiny. It’s too much, too soon imo.

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