Advice to help struggling girlfriend

[Student133]

Hello all, so I've been with my girlfriend for around 5 months now, both in our early 20s and have genuinely never been happier, it's my first serious relationship so I'm still navigating how to operate, if that makes sense. We are very compatible, share loads and really enjoy each others company, so I know that we're solid from that point of view. Unfortunately she became estranged from her mum a few years ago when she was with her emotionally abusive ex, and though shes managed to rebuild her life so well, this really upsets her, but I know there is nothing I can directly do to help fix that relationship. As a result of all these things that have happened to her, she just feels so tired all the time and almost doesn't believe she can fully open up to to anyone in case she gets hurt again, which after what shes been through is a totally rational stand to take. So, I suppose what I'm looking for is any advice or perspective from you guys who may have been in a similar position to this as how best to support her while she has these problems shes working through, I so want it to work long term as she is just the most amazing person, who has shown more kindness to me than anyone I've been with, so I'd like to return the favour. Thanks in advance.

Has she made steps to repair her relationship with her Mother? I have to say, as a Mother myself, if my DD dumped me whilst in an abusive relationship, I'd be ready and waiting with open arms once that was over!

Perhaps her Mother is not as nice as she might be? Maybe she's toxic?

You sound wonderful, she’s very lucky you’re a rare breed!

My answer is you can’t really, any involvement is likely to backfire as it sounds complex. Men tend to go to the practical “fixing” of issues, don’t do that. Just be there to listen, don’t offer advice just listen. Be solid and consistent in your honesty and trustworthiness in your dealings with her in your own relationship. Show her in your actions not words that you care for her and are solid. That’s enough.

@fortunate Yes sorry I should have corrected, I should have clarified, it was her mum who cut off contact and did a lot of the gas lighting, I think one of the tough things is that they were very close before, so I can only imagine how upsetting it's been for her.

@gigheimer thanks for saying that. Yeah she has said there isnt much point in me trying fix stuff. And I agree with actions rather than words, gonna drive e her over for a walk with her best mate who lives back in her home town. I think she may also be a little lonely really, she works from home and hardly any of her mates are where we are, so I think a lot of it may be lockdown blues, which we probably all have a little of!

Can I just say, thank you for standing by her. I say this as someone who is in a new relationship after an abusive one, and having someone supportive who is there for me makes a whole world of difference.

I'm afraid I don't have advice as such but I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of women who've had to put up with so much shit in the past.

@LindaEllen
Well thanks for saying that. I do have a question for those who dealt with more subtle parts of emotional abuse in relationships. My girlfriend never explicitly described her ex as emotionally abusive, now I dont know whether this is because the behaviour she talks about of his is so obviously emotionally manipulative that she doesn't even need to label it as abusive. Or, because of how upsetting it was, she almost doesn't put it in to the abusive category due to potentially blaming herself for it. If it is the latter case, do you think it would be beneficial if I gently tried to point out the behaviour as being at the very least emotionally manipulative. The reason I ask is that she often describes her head as 'f*ucked up' because of all that's happened to her, and she often blames herself. Could it potentially re-orientate her view if I just bring up this possibility, as I know at the moment shes being really hard on herself, and maybe this could be a way she can work though it all.

Bump

Tricky, lots of room for error whichever way you turn. My advice would to be a partner, not a shrink or advice giver, just a listener at first maybe, so you can feel your way around the situation more.

You can’t do anything, but give time, time heals.....apparently.

@Heartlantern2
Yeah I think you're right really. If I'm honest I think covid has almost suspended everything else in our lives and paused it in some way, making progress more difficult being shut in your house all day.