Advice on messy situation.

[Lollypoplemons]

I know people will read this and think I'm terrible. But it is what it is. I hope someone can understand. People are not perfect and I have found myself in a place I never expected to be.

I got with my boyfriend in 2012. We've had a few years before our children. Then in 2015 and 2017 we had our kids. For the last 3 years we've just not been a couple. We are like amazing friends. But we do our own thing. We don't have a sex life and we don't really have much to talk about. We talk about the kids. We moan about the endless jobs and we just are not the best team in regards to getting stuff done. As parents we are good and our kids have equal love and support from us both.

This last 18 months has been hard. My mental health really started going down hill. I was having anxiety and panic attacks. Looking to the future I just felt empty. Even wondering if I'd be good for my children. I felt sad and couldn't sleep.

Then I met "Jason" through a friend. As friends for 8 months we just talked. Met for a harmless cuppa. Went for walks together in the summer. I realised my anxiety was fading. I was laughing again. I was positive again.

Then 3 months ago we both realised we liked eachother and saw ourselves with a future.

We've not crossed the line physically. We've been very emotionally across the line. My boyfriend was away for work last week and we sat talking in my kitchen for four hours about the situation we was in. He said he would wait for me as I was what he wanted.

For my children's sakes I want to get Christmas out the way. But in January I've got to start being honest.

I know this sounds bad. But I love jason. 2 years and my boyfriend and I haven't had sex or slept in the same bed. We've had sex three times in 4 years.

I'm 32 and Jason is 44.

I feel so anxious about what people will think of me splitting from my boyfriend. But they don't know what it's like. How sad and lonely I've been. How I don't want to have no sex life at my age and nobody to cuddle up to and look forward to seeing after work.

I think it's naturally come to an end and it's sad. But I feel like I'll loose so many people if I choose Jason and a new life.

Please be kind. It has happened and I can't give Jason up. I just know he's who I want a future with.

You could be running right into a mess.

End your relationship and spend time as a single mum, making yourself happy before finding another relationship.

Why would I want to get rid of the person I feel so close too when he makes me happy? That makes no sense.

You obviously aren't happy in your relationship and need to end it. You're worried what people will think- but and they will be sad but they'll soon get over it.

Jason sounds great but be wary of jumping straight in to living with him. You're in the new part of the relationship with him where you don't see each others flaws. Or if you do you think they are minor.

I’m not sure what you’re wanting from the thread...

It wouldn’t be right to stay with your partner it doesn’t sound like you love him anymore

If ‘Jason’ has made you see that then that’s ok
But it’s early days and you have to be prepared it won’t work out with Jason. Would you rather be on your own than with your partner?

If so then end your relationship but keep things on a friendship level with Jason for the time being.

Oops posted too soon.
I was going to add that you deserve to be happy and advise you to take it slow with Jason.

You need to start planning then if you want to be with Jason. Where would you live? Where would the kids be? How would the finances work? How would Jason fit into family life?

Oh op, I can hear the struggle in your post. Take a break from your relationship and in the cold light of day, reassess the Jason situation

I know people are not perfect but you really needed to tell your boyfriend the 'we're not a couple' part before you found someone else because this sounds like 'the script' all cheaters follow. Just be honest. If you were leaving because the relationship was dead you'd have left before you met this guy. If you do that with him you are actually trying to blame him for the fact you are going to hurt him.

It's not illegal to leave a boyfriend for someone else so own it.

In your shoes I would not move my children straight in with a new dad because it's confusing and upsetting but I sense you're not listening to anything that suggests you might not.

Millyliffy is correct. Jason could well be an opportunist who has targeted you accordingly as you are both emotionally vulnerable and really wanting to be loved. You could be going from one crap situation into a messy complicated one. He's your exit affair from this current crap relationship you are in.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Love your own self for a change, end this current relationship and keep this other man Jason out of your life as well until you properly determine what you want from life and relationships.

If it doesn’t work out with Jason, would you still be happy to be single and to have left your partner?

How do you know you’d have the relationship you want with Jason?

Does Jason have children? How will he fit in with your dc and family life?

Somehow please end your relationship but wait before starting the next one .

It’s not fair on your boyfriend or your children and you need to find your own strength before moving on .

You don’t really know Jason that well surely?
I don’t think you should stay in your current relationship just because you don’t want to be alone either.
You’ve already decided what to do, so get through Christmas and then hook up with Jason. Hope it works out.

“I know people are not perfect but you really needed to tell your boyfriend the 'we're not a couple' part before you found someone else because this sounds like 'the script' all cheaters follow. Just be honest. If you were leaving because the relationship was dead you'd have left before you met this guy. If you do that with him you are actually trying to blame him for the fact you are going to hurt him.”

This.

Have you talked to your BF about how you feel and tried to fix things? Your DCs are still young and it’s very normal in the early years of having DCs for the couple relationship to be neglected because the focus is on the little ones and parenting is extra tiring in the early years. It’s often possible to get things back on track with some effort and your children are reaching an age where you and your partner should at least not be so tired from parenting. You loved your BF enough to have children with him. You owe it to him and your DCs to see if your relationship can be fixed. Perhaps you’ve tried already and this won’t be a surprise to him but it sounds like you’re only thinking this way because you’ve had your head turned. You chose to have children so your decisions are no longer just about you.

I think there a real grass is greener thing going on here. After all, why is Jason making such a move on a mother of young children who is in a relationship? It suggests to me that he has a moral compass which is shaky at best. And he may look lovely now while you’re just having intense, desire-fuelled conversations in your kitchen but I wonder how lovely he will look months/years from now (if he’s still around) when you’re going through the daily grind with him.

Your relationship with your BF may genuinely be over and you may be able to create a very functional co-parenting arrangement which works for everyone (one of the most functional families I know is a divorced couple who co-parent). And Jason may be a total keeper. But I think you owe it to everyone (yourself included) to see if you can work it out with him before going off with this guy.