Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Dilemma over cheating bastard

23 replies

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 01:28

A friend has made me aware of another friends brothers presence on a dating site. The brother is in a relationship and has been for a few years. I sent him a message basically saying grow the fuck up, please don't do this to your girlfriend.
He has begged me not to tell his sister. I am torn. I don't really want to put my nose in but at the same time I hate what he is doing to his gf.
For clarity, I do not know the gf so have no personal involvement really. I cant help but feel though if it was me I would want to know.
I'm so annoyed with him. Totally irrelevant but he has put certain bullshit details of his career on his dating profile so its clear he is just looking for a side shag.
My question is....do I just leave this well alone, I messaged him with a bollocking, or do I tell me friend and let her decide?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 01:34

What do you expect his sister to do about this? She's not his keeper. I think running to her and slagging off her own brother could backfire spectacularly.

Original poster

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 01:40

Agree entirely, the reason for asking to be honest. So I just leave it be then? Let him fuck this woman over and its nowt to do with me? Genuinly asking btw, my conscious is itching and I'm just looking for advice

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 01:42

If you want his girlfriend to know, take screenshots and whatever other proof you have and send it directly to her. Leave his sister out of it. It has nothing to do with her.

Original poster

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 01:48

I have nothing to do with his girlfriend so (i have absolute proof) I cant really do that. If I'm honest, knowing my friend as well as I do, that sort of thing would actually annoy her more.
I do get where you are coming from but as siblings go they are very close. His first message to me was don't tell my sister, no mention of the girlfriend.
Maybe I'm just being too sensitive and need to just leave alone. Both myself and other friend (who found him) are struggling to know what is best. She has a brother (i dont) and has said she would want to know.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 01:58

If his girlfriend is on social media you can find her and contact her.

Boymumzy · 13/12/2020 02:13

If I was your friend and you completely bypassed me and messaged my brothers girlfriend instead of giving me a chance to talk to him and deal with it quietly 'in house' I would be spectacularly p*ssed at you.

Original poster

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 02:14

As I have said, I do not know her at all. I dont have her on social media and neither does my friend. I know very little about this woman, outside my friends chat about her brother being in a happy relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 02:16

Thank you boymuzy, I genuinely have no desire or way to contact the girlfriend. I really just want to know do I tell my friend

OP posts:

Boymumzy · 13/12/2020 02:18

Also, it's going to blow up at some point, when it does she's probably going to find out you knew. I would want you to give me the heads up if it were me. Especially if they are close.

Boymumzy · 13/12/2020 02:22

I would however approach with caution and not use any kind of derogatory terms like cheating bastard or anything.

Wheresyourclapham · 13/12/2020 02:51

Tell his Sister. She’ll be pissed with you if it came out and she found out that you knew but didn’t tell her. You have no loyalty to him.

His gf needs to know that he’s a lying scumbag. Wouldn’t you want to know, if someone was doing the same to you. I would want to know.

He took a risk advertising himself on SM as though he is single. He now needs to deal with the consequences of that stupid decision.

NotaCoolMum · 13/12/2020 05:09

You got involved the second you sent him that message. If anything, You should have mentioned that your other friend saw him on a dating site to his sister instead of putting yourself in this by messaging him. This is where “not my monkeys- not my circus” is a valuable phrase to keep in mind.

TheStoic · 13/12/2020 05:38

I’d say ‘your sister already knows’. And then talk to her about it, as if she already knew.

Frannibananni · 13/12/2020 06:23

Do not involve his sister, that’s a asshole thing to do in the long run.

Frannibananni · 13/12/2020 06:24

It’s not fair on his sister to have her relationship with her brother ruined by you.

Dinosauraddict · 13/12/2020 06:35

I would tell his sister. As your friend I would expect you not to keep something like this from me. What I then did about my brother would be my own choice. I have a brother btw.

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/12/2020 10:13

God knows why you care about a friends brother cheating on a girlfriend u dont know? Dont be a karen

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/12/2020 20:37

I would tell his sister/your friend.

you've already involved yourself now and it will hurt/anger her if she finds out about this from someone else in future and also finds out that you knew and didn't tell her
she's your friend and you've seen her brother involving himself in shady behaviour, if it was you wouldn't you want to know that? If it was my sister and my friend knew I would want them to tell me so I could try to talk some sense into her

Original poster

Tryingthisonefornow · 13/12/2020 22:54

Thank you all. Wee bit of a split in opinions so some thinking to do i guess. Tbh I wish I just didn't know.

OP posts:

RollneckJumper · 14/12/2020 01:13

FGS! Tell his sister!!!

So what if you don't know his GF. If you were in his GF's shoes.. you would want to know!

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2020 01:21

Yes tell the sister. Give her the proof without much judgement. If she decides not to tell the gf, you have another decision to think through.

No hand wringing required, he’s behaving without morality and doesn’t deserve protection.

RantyAnty · 14/12/2020 01:24

Why hasn't the friend who told you told the sister?

oldshoeuk · 14/12/2020 02:05

No, no and completely no! It's none of his sister business either.

It cannot end well if you say something. They are siblings, they will forgive each other eventually. You are expendable.

His relationship to unknown girlfriend will almost certainly end eventually, he is possibly shopping for the replacement. There is no route for it to come back to you unless he, for no reason wants to shoot himself in the foot.

Flip