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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Too nervous to date

6 replies

Tremensdelirious · 12/12/2020 22:30

i am a middle aged man & I suffer from anxiety and don’t Date at all. Most advice says when on a date but nothing on getting a date.

Does anyone else have this issue? It makes me feel sad as I feel I’m missing out but I can’t make the step to joining sites etc

OP posts:
litterbird · 13/12/2020 10:42

Have you any friends that could help you put a dating profile together? Also, have you spoken to a doctor or a therapist to support you to overcome your anxiety? On line dating can be a bit brutal at the best of times so its good to have some support around you to make those first steps. Well done for reaching out and acknowledging your challenges.

something2say · 13/12/2020 10:44

I think you might be reaching the tipping point between not doing something and wanting to do it. At some stage, you tip over and think, right - what do I have to do to bring this off?

And that marks a change and a step forward because it's new fresh behaviour, its uncharted territory and it could bring a welcome change.

DDIJ · 13/12/2020 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

planningaheadtoday · 13/12/2020 11:26

Dip in to online dating. Use a variety of sites. But apply slightly different rules.

Go into it to meet friends firstly, chat to everyone initially, chat online with people for quite a while (up to six months), you'll be able to gauge them by then.

You can get the feel of a person in a short time, but often they reveal truer aspects of personality a month or two in.

You are protected by chatting online. You can stop chat at any time. Remember you are in control of you.
Be friendly and open, but play the long game.

I know several friends who have met life partners this way, much less likelihood of getting hurt or used.

Tremensdelirious · 13/12/2020 12:58

Thanks for replies: yes, I have had help for anxiety. Have been like this since a child. I guess I have someone to help me out aprofile together. Yes, I have dated before. No, I have never done online dating. I haven't a clue where to start. Which sites? the pay ones? I live fairly rurally so not many towns lcoally.

OP posts:
something2say · 13/12/2020 14:19

Do some research into sites.

Start looking at photos of yourself, or take some selfies outside somewhere, of you smiling. Make an effort with your clothes and hair. Then doctor the photos, by cropping them so it's all you and experiment with colouring etc. Have about 6.

For your profile, think about your qualities. Are you kind, funny, hardworking? Are you genuine, honest?

And how do you fill your time? Are you a reader of books, like cooking, work on your car, watch movies and series? If someone were to get into a relationship with you, what would their life look like? What is someone buying into with you?

My experience of dating sites was very positive, in that I met decent people quickly and came off. Like you, I didn't know what to say, but just decided to be honest about what I do. I figured most people go to work and come home, and do stuff they like doing in their spare time. I like reading and studying guitar playing. I'm a home body so those who like going away every other weekend would need to know that so they didn't pick me. And the thing is, for every woman who wouldn't want your life style, another is living it but is lonely and hoping to meet someone.

When the time comes to go on dates, arrange coffee, dress and smell nice. Dont be late. Smile. Behave nicely. And my best advice? Ask them about their lives and listen well to the answers. And pay, that first time. And check they don't take advantage next time.

If you feel that anxiety could hold you back and negatively effect a potential partner, you owe it to both of you to push the boundaries until they are more comfortable for you both. I'd have a good think about that and resolve to take action if needs be.

And good luck!!!

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