Long distance relationship- worth it?

[DimeBarLady]

I’ve met a lovely man who I’ve been seeing for about 6 months now. I genuinely never expected to meet someone that I liked as much as I like him - he’s just lovely and clever and funny and unlike anyone that I’ve ever met before. I think he feels the same way about me but obviously it’s early days so not entirely sure.

But he lives a 2 hour drive away. I have my dc’s with me apart from EOW, he has his dc with him Weds-Sat every week. As yet we haven’t met each other’s dc but possibly going to in the new year. So far he’s been coming to me Sunday evening to Wednesday morning one week then on the weekend I don’t have dc I go to his Saturday evening to Monday morning.

There is no chance either of us could ever move, certainly not within the next 5 years anyway. At the moment I’m happy seeing him the amount that I am but I’m aware we’ll have to change it soon as neither of us have seen our friends (not that we could with lockdown anyway) as we’re spending all our free time together.

I don’t know if I should just enjoy it for what it is and see how it goes. I really, really don’t want to fall in love and then realise we can never see each/ we can’t cope with the journey every week/ whatever. But then I guess that’s the same with any relationship really.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Has anyone managed a long distance relationship long term and managed to make it work? Any tips/ advice?

I thought you were going to say abroad!

2 hours is fine

I met Dh in a yahoo chatroom in 1999. We were Long distance till 2003 when we got visas sorted and he came over to get wed. We traveled back and forth a couple times a year before the visas were sorted. We have been married 17 years and the initial distance was 3000 miles, 2 hours is NOTHING. Seriously its no distance at all, just a minor inconvenience

I thought you meant on the other side of the world! DH and I were LD for six months of every year for eight years.

Thank you for the reassurance.

theoldtrout01876 thats such a lovely story. Absolutely amazing that you managed to keep it up for 4 years!

I think the main thing I worry about is that, although we get along absolutely brilliantly when we’re together I find it difficult to maintain that connection during the week. We message each other at least once a day and video call 1-2 times a week for about 30 minutes. I don’t think either of us are particularly good at just general small tall and there’s only so many times that I can message him just to say ‘missing you’ or ‘thinking about you’ without it sounding insincere. Then I start to worry he’s not contacting me enough because he’s losing interest or am I contacting him too much and annoying him. Maybe that’s normal for just getting into a new relationship though? He’s the first person I’ve dated properly since splitting from my husband of 12 years so it’s all a bit new for me!

A couple of my friends are in LDRs of several years standing - one in double figures. They live 90 minutes and 2.5 hours from their respective partners.

Personally I couldn't be bothered but perhaps that's because I haven't met the right man. You know how you feel, go with what feels right.

I believe in LDRs if there's a deadline you're working towards. So if you know that in 2 years someone is coming back from a work deployment for example. But in your case to sign up for a LDR where you say there is no prospect of ever moving to be together full time, I'm not sure if I would sign up to that.

LDR can start off OK with each party enjoying the freedom but after a couple of years I think they can grind you down if one party starts to want more.

It’s hard work and you have to totally trust the other person. But it is possible.

My DH works away (about 3 hours drive) from Sunday/Monday to Thursday every week.
We are in text/phone contact daily.
The tricky thing might be when you finally move in together that you’ll feel like you never get your own space.

Good luck.

As Dundee says

LDR can start off OK with each party enjoying the freedom but after a couple of years I think they can grind you down if one party starts to want more

Me and my dp split last night, Kind of a mutual decision due to work problems..me that's made the cut.. Very sad after being together so long..

DH and I were long distance (different countries) for two years towards the beginning of our relationship. We started going out in 1997 and he moved to France for 2001-2002 for a job opportunity. I look back on it as a really special time! I went to visit him every other weekend and we would always have an amazing time as we hadn't seen each other for two weeks. I enjoyed my independence in between.

Eventually one of you will have to move . Otherwise it will fizzle out

I don't think your situation is remotely comparable to relationships that started off "local" , had a long-distance period and then reverted to being "local".

A relationship that has been long-distance from day one is a totally different scenario throwing up different problems. Especially if there is no prospect - or only a remote prospect - of it ever becoming "local".

There is definitely no prospect of us moving closer within 4-5 years, his dc are at secondary school and they split their week between him and his ExW who lives down the road. My kids are only at primary but I love my town and my house and have no intention of moving, ever.

Ah, well. I like him a lot. I’m still going to continue to see him and just inevitably get my heart broken when it becomes clear that it will never work .

My DP lives two hours away and we’ve been long distance for nearly eight years.

I can’t move because I have a dc here who was initially in school and now in college, and he can’t move because he has a very niche job - we’re talking only two places in the country which do it so it’s not as straightforward as just looking for something else.

Added to which I now have serious health problems and am reluctant to change consultants

Once my DC leaves college moving is something I will need to look at anyway, and at that point we will see.

If the relationship is working for you at the moment then just go with it. If it’s a worthwhile relationship you will make it through, if not then it wasn’t meant to be. Iyswim.

Alternative this..

If the relationship is working for you at the moment then just go with it. If it’s a worthwhile relationship you will make it through, if not then it wasn’t meant to be. Iyswim.

What if it is working now but you just can't see that it will change? I ended things last night with my dp as feel as great as we are I can't do the continual weekend thing.. I feel broken at having to make a decision I felt I had no choice over
Sorry op overriding your thread

For some people this is ideal. There is no need to blend families by moving in together as long as you both accept the situation.

Does he stay with you and your dc when he is there from Sunday to Wednesday?

We message each other at least once a day and video call 1-2 times a week for about 30 minutes. I don’t think either of us are particularly good at just general small tall and there’s only so many times that I can message him just to say ‘missing you’ or ‘thinking about you’ without it sounding insincere.
Tbh it sounds like you're seeing each other in the flesh quite a lot, is this really necessary? I've been with my bf coming up for 4 years, we only live about 45 minutes away from one another, but we see each other less than you two and it works out fine for us without any video calls. We have one evening in the week, then one overnight stay, e.g. Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. We hardly messaged at all in between when we didn't know each other as well.

Putting distance aside, if you were to move in together, would there be enough room for everyone, his visiting children ? Or perhaps when they are old enough they won't need to stay over, you might choose another house together, lots of different possibilities that only you can both decide, if you want it to work it will do.

My (now) DH and I met years before mobile phones, social media etc ... it was perfectly normal just to speak once a week (and write the occasional letter/card - that sounds so old fashioned now ). He travelled overseas a lot with work and even when he was in this country we lived about three hours apart ... it was fine, we both had separate homes, hobbies and career to concentrate on (no DC) - we did marry eventually and have been together over 30 years but I think we were probably happier apart, I think back to those days with nostalgia .

Just enjoy your relationship for what it is, you don't have to worry about the future.

I have a LDR with my DP, same distance as yours. In my situation, I prefer it being this way as:

a) I like the space it creates. My previous relationship moved on too quickly and resulted in me having years of unhappiness and my independence trampled on. I don't want to make that mistake again.

b) Enables me to focus on my DC. We do plan to move in together in a few years time. By then my youngest will be leaving Uni and they will have more of an idea where they are going to live after finishing their degree.

2 hours is really nothing and as long as you are on the same page for the future, then there really should be no problem.

I would just enjoy it and see how it goes. When I met dh, we were living in the same city as expats working abroad. We moved home to our respective countries after 6 months of dating and we were an 11 hour flight from each other for the next 2 years. We only saw each other every 3 months or so. It was fine. I mean, it was hard to be apart, but we messaged daily and had weekly 'dates' where we would sit and have a drink and chat on the weekends. And then we saw each other for a couple weeks at a time every 2-4 months. It was a tough 2 years, but we saw the light at the end of the tunnel and it was worth it because we knew we could eventually be together. If it's worth it, you'll find a way. I can't see how 2 hours could be prohibitive to living together if you wanted. It means you move in the middle and commute or one of you moves close to the other and you then have to facilitate contact with your dc's parent who is left behind.

i agree - 2 hours is nothing.
my husband and i met online 13 years ago today - happily married with 2 kids.
he lived in the US and i lived in Australia ... i went there to get married, had kids, 7 years later we moved here ...
again 2 hours is nothing, you can make it work if you are invested in the relationship.

I think the time for being rational passed when you went on a first date with him knowing how far away he was! That's not a criticism. I did the same and fell in love with a guy who lived 6,000 miles away. If I'd been rational I'd have never started anything with him but you can't help who you click with.

Just enjoy it while it lasts I would. Have you discussed with him your worries re distance? Might help to talk it out with him, just so he knows how you're feeling. I think it will be hard being permanently apart from each other. Me an my DH only ended up doing long distance for 9 months and it was basically a pause in our relationship.

I’ve just got back from spending a couple of days with him. Not going to see him now until 6th January at least. I really, really like him and think I am falling in love with him. He’s just such a lovely person to be around and he makes me laugh constantly. My face is actually sore from smiling so much.

There’s plenty of room for him and his dc to come and stay at mine. Their both teenagers though so I can’t imagine they’d particularly want to come along. Possibly they would in the summer as I live in a tourist resort and there's plenty for teenagers to do then. He has a spare room at his that my dc could sleep in if we ever went up to stay for a few days. Again, hopefully we might do that next year at some point once we’ve both met each other’s dc’s.

I’m sure we’ll make it work somehow. I love where I live and would never move. I would never expect him to move while his dc are still at school. It seems a bit OTT to be thinking like this after only 6months anyway.