Always struggle with my MIL!!!

[TaurusMama]

We seemed to get on OK before her husband died over 5 years ago now... She was always overbearing and my Husband is a mama's boy (which is another issue!) but since her DH passed away from cancer she has made it clear she is not a fan of mine and would much prefer me not around.

I haven't been invited to her house for 2 years and yet she expects to come to ours and be waited when she stays over for 2 nights, every 2-3 weeks.. We have a son who is 2 and she is obsessed with him, very overbearing and tries to 'mother' him and he hates it.. He shouts 'mama' a lot - my husband wants her involved as feels sorry for her, always mentioning how she is on her own and all she has been through. She is 65 yrs.

She is a master manipulator and does just that to my husband.. my DS can see through it already and he's only 2!!

I do understand she has been through a very difficult time losing her husband, something i don't understand..

But to make snide comments about what I eat and what I look like indirectly, also always acting like she knows best when it comes to my son!! She does it in a clever way and acts like she likes me infront of her son, my DH.

She doesn't speak english well, so communication can be awkward/a barrier but there's always an atmosphere when she is here.

my husband is a wallflower toward her i can see it..

do i just deal with this as it is a common issue many wives seem to have? or do i chat with him, my DH and tell him to try keep peace between us? or do i say something to her?

she is very hard work and i don't have energy or patience for it! but equally don't want atmosphere or bad vibes.. DREADING xmas :/

Thank you!!
Taurus Mama x

You need to learn to say no. Christmas day is in your house, you, your family and your son.

Your H can bring the DC over to hers on st boxing day.

Then enjoy a day to yourself.

Did that! She can stay hi e Xmas day. Let your dh sort it out. This has to stop. It’s dreadful behaviour, and your dc will start realising and picking up on her behaviour.

Why does she have to stop overnight? Can you not suddenly need to repurpose the spare room as a study?

Your husband is weak. What would happen if you became the problem, not her? You are absorbing this situation rather than creating friction. Why not stick your heels in, say 'it's obvious she doesn't like me, I don't want her coming here so often'.

And a tip for when she throws out a veiled insult or superior comment, say 'sorry, I don't understand...' act like you're just not getting it, get her to explain every time and keep saying 'no, I don't get it, explain again?'. It will put her on the spot and give you thinking time. Sit there, listen, don't say much, stare if you dare. Should reduce catty comments if you are acting on it every time.

Thanks everyone... She now decided she doesn't want to come for Xmas anyway (likely due to my family coming, who she also doesn't like) it's basically like we are beneath her... that's how she acts.

@nowishtofly I really like that tip of asking her to explain as I don't understand..

She plays victim with my husband and the poor me card each and everytime it works.. He has said whenever he stands up to her, she cries and he hates making her upset, wtf?!

She likely stays over as my own mother stays over for one night here and there and she seems to have it in for her swell, i caught her talking about my Mum a while ago, again not sure what was said..

Great result. Who cares why she's not coming, she's not coming.

Have a lovely day!

2021 , watch youtube clips on boundaries. So much helpful information there.

Not another MIL thread.....it’s so sad. I’m sure Some MILs are at fault but there is a real venom towards elderly, often bereaved, women on MN. I hate the way people pile on to say various versions of ‘yay, you taught her’ etc.

What WiseOwlWan wrote.

Just because you cannot see it angstridden2 does not mean that the dysfunctional behaviour from her DHs mother is not there. Have you actually read all of her initial post at all and if so what do you glean from it?.

Not all relatives are nice and kind to other people nice and indeed some of them like the OP’s mother in law are actively abusive.

Do learn more about boundaries and FOG because your husband seems very much mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother.

He has said whenever he stands up to her, she cries and he hates making her upset.

He needs to know that she is deliberately emotionally manipulating him and you need to know that him avoiding standing up to her is him putting his own personal discomfort above yours.

He needs to weather the storm of her fake tears. They will soon dry up once he holds his ground. She needs clear consequences for her belittling behaviour to you. She doesn’t get to insult you - pull her up each and every time - calmly and assertively - have some generic lines ready:

What do you mean by that?

No. That’s not how we do it.

No, that won’t be happening.

Also he needs to be 100% on your side and he needs to show it to her. Decide what her usual snipes are and discuss it with your DH beforehand - then when they come up (might need to prompt him with a code word) he needs to step in with a ready made statement.

Also her poor behaviour in your home needs to have clear consequences - less time in your home. Phase this one out if she continues to undermine your marriage, motherhood and self esteem. No need to suffer that for some misguided sense of loyalty.

Your problem lies with your husband. Why does he allow his mother to treat you with such blatant disrespect? You need to lay down the law with both of them, frankly.

AttilaTheMeerkat
I think I acknowledged that some MILs are indeed at fault but I do feel that some of the real antagonism directed against older women in these threads is very unpleasant. Most people I know get on with their MILs or at least tolerate them...perhaps it’s a case as in many topics of people only posting when there’s a problem? I think it’s the sense of it being seen as a battle where the DIL feels she has won and other posters congratulate the victor. Heaven help mothers of boys!

Who wants to feel bullied and controlled in their own house on christmas day though??? Ans simultaneously not backed up by your (D)H?

That was the OP i read. What you say is worthy of its own thread but not relevant to this thread i feel.

Some parents do this. They lay 100% claim to being upset. The narrative in my family is that ONLY my mother can be upset. None of them can see how illogical it is. Having issues now. Xmas day plans changed because my fatther wont have xmas day with me. Im so angry. 35+ years ofhim not listening to me (im 50!!) and he is angry i hurt mum and angry i shouted. I almost feel sorry for them because they still think they are upping the ante here to control me. Only they are allowed to be angry. Expressed through the medium of the silent treatment. Since early may 2020. This time. Only they get to be upset.

Well this time i have just had enough. Im notshowing up to play the part of the daughter in this fake family
Summons. But denied a voice. Denied a real connection. Denied real communication.

I wanted a real family. They are happy with the fake one.

I am so done.

😪🍷

Sorry for the over share