Changing Christmas plans and visiting parents

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is nc with her family (long complex story which I don’t fully understand - previous threads) and I’ve just got my parents. We’ve only seen then once since feb when they came over for lunch in July. DW doesn’t really get on with my parents - they mean well and are always v good and kind to her but they’re just chalk and cheese and not her people. She didn’t really want them over in July but reluctantly agreed

So with her family out the equation (they don’t know why she’s gone nc leading to awkward phone calls and excuses) we were planning to go to a hotel for Christmas - just us and DS - then see my parents on Boxing Day. Seemed the best compromise so we dont have to cook of plan but not inflicting them on DW for too long. Of course, inevitably the hotel is now cancelled.

Dw says that she’s not going to see my parents, as her bit of Christmas is cancelled then the deal’s off. I do miss my parents and would like to see them. So she says I can go myself, which seems a fair compromise. I’d like to take DS(10) as they are now the only grandparents he sees and they are desperate to see him. But DW says no. Says it’s not fair to leave her home alone whilst we go out and so it’s just me who can go.

I don’t know what to do. I know I could put my foot down but I’ve always thought parenting decisions should be join. So how do you resolve it when both of us are diametrically opposed? DW ought to come first but I’m still upset at the idea of me or DS not seeing my family, and upsetting them

So your dw has gone non contact with her family for reasons you don't understand and is trying to make you go no contact with yours it seems.

She seems very controlling. Your ds and you deserve a relationship with whoever you choose.

I'd say to see that you are visiting and taking ds. She is welcome to come but is also welcome to stay at home.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied from seeing your own parents

She sounds quite controlling. I am NC with parents and respect DH's decision to see his, fair enough she says she doesn't want to go but not to stop you going. It's not the day itself either. I wouldn't give in to this emotional drama about being alone.

She sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

I cannot think why you shouldn't be able to visit your parents with your child.

If they have genuinely not been unkind to her, why does she dislike them so much?

I think you need to be firm.

If you were separated you could bring you child to see your parents and it would be nothing to do with your wife.

Are you being very honest here as to why they do not get on?

If it really is a case of, she just can't be arsed, well then that is very selfish of her.

Your dw is unreasonable to expect your dd to have no family without just cause...
Yanbu to insist your dd goes with you to visit..
Presumably dd has her own thoughts on seeing them?

That is very unfair. Your poor parents.

There’s no drama about why they don’t get on. Just very different people from different backgrounds who have little in common to talk about. They’re always very kind to her but are rather stiff upper lip buttoned up types and she doesnt get that

Go to see your parents and take your son with you.

I'm strongly of the belief that when you marry, you marry the family too. She doesn't have to love them but she does have to accept that they're your parents and her son's grandparents. My DH HATES my sister (with good reason) but if we're having a family get together will always be civil with her and the rest of the family are non the wiser that he doesn't like her.

If she doesn't want to go, then fine, but she can't stop you taking YOUR son to see HIS grandparents at Christmas.

Your wife not a nice person, she can stay at home being a miserable cow whilst you go see your parents.

Dw sounds like a bloody nightmare. Take your ds to see them, she does not get to say you can't. And get rid of her, she sounds vile.

She sounds unreasonable, don't let her make you feel like you can't see your parents

It is her choice to be alone if she doesn't want to come with you. She is being unfair and controlling. Are you planning on going overnight?

She needs to make an effort to 'get' your parents. I bet they make an effort with her. She needs to do it for your sake.

Sorry I said dd instead of ds...
Unless your dps are abusive you are entitled to nurture their relationship..

She’s making a choice not to go. She does not have to stay home.

Choices sometimes have consequences. The consequence of her choice not to visit your parents is that she’ll be at home alone.

Your wife sounds such a delight. Not!

The only common denominator here is her. She cannot get on with anyone and it sounds as though she's purposely isolating you.

If she chooses to be unreasonable and not see the inlaws Boxing Day, that's her choice; she's not a petulant child who can throw her dummy out of the pram because in a pandemic she's not getting her hotel! And you shouldn't let her.

I'm your shoes, I'd be making it clear that an agreement was made for Boxing Day. She can either stick to it or not. But you and your son are sticking to the plans with or without her.

I'd also advise that you should be ensuring that you see them more in 2021.

It is a bit like coercive control really isn't it.

It's not unusual at all for daughters or sons in laws to find that their parents in law are not "their people". It's more common than not. How rude of your dw to firstly not accompany to see your parents and failing that not allow your ds to go with you. Really really out of order.