I am starting counselling on Tuesday as I know this warrants professional help, but in the meantime I feel like it would be really helpful to hear from others who've been in this situation.
We were together a year, he has limited friends/strained relationship with his family as he never makes an effort. Thought I'd give him a chance as he said he'd always liked me.
Long story short I gave the benefit of the doubt far too many times - I feel like I went into the relationship strong and aware of my boundaries and have come out with almost no boundaries at all. I let my standards drop lower and lower and each time he did something I didn't like pushed the goalposts thinking I was being too difficult.
I'm non-confrontational and hate arguing, was 99% of the time the one to apologise even if I didn't feel I was in the wrong (as an example, I looked at his phone one day after months of sketchy behaviour around his ex contacting him, and when I found something, he got mad at me for having looked at his phone, sulked all day and I ended up apologising while he refused to see my point of view). Trying to get him to understand why I was upset was like getting blood from a stone - I constantly felt like I had to make a case for my feelings. I don't think I ever got a genuine apology for anything.
I've spent the last year walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he'll wake up in, listening to him complain day in, day out about how difficult his job is/how irritating his colleagues are and basically just a myriad of excuses as to why nothing is his fault or reason XYZ for why he can't change anything - despite having a shedload of cash, a great job, and everything else he could want.
He was always dismissive of my feelings - 'Don't be stupid/like that' if I told him he'd upset me, 'I wish I'd met 17 year old you', 'It'll be all downhill once you reach 30', making 'jokes' about my small boobs, telling me off for putting the TV on, hiding my things from me if he was angry at me, smashing up my things if he was pissed off, and eventually physically harassing me/getting in my face/breathing down my neck/not letting me get away from him.
I have voice recordings of the abuse he gave me yesterday (threatening to ruin mine and my family's lives if I don't pay him money) and I feel sick listening to them.
And yet I still feel like it's my fault and what if I drove him to be some version of crazy?
Has anyone been through his and got over blaming yourself?