Why does he do this

[Itsallpointless]

Finished a relationship 2.5 years ago, a little bit of toing/froing initially, but that was him not me, I decided categorically that I did not want to be with him. I made the right decision, it was a very fraught relationship.

He has walked practically straight into another relationship, so they've been together around 2 years. He has not told me any of this, a friend told me what she saw on FB, and knowing what type of bloke he is (and much speculation) he would've been looking for total commitment (which I resisted) so he'll not be letting her go. That's the back story. Now for the question subject line.

He has contacted me (text) offering to do one of my 'jobs' (Pre covid) he sends me 'something' for Valentine's Day. He sends me (and adult kids) birthday/Xmas cards, with "hope you are all well, hope the job/car/dog/hobby" is ok, you get the gist. He didn't have that kind of relationship with my kids when we were together (7 years not living together) but it seems any opportunity he gets, he will make some kind of 'platonic/plausible' (in case he gets caught IMO) contact. What I want to know, is WHY does he continue to do this?

It feeds his ego. He likes to feel his input is important to you or that you have pangs of regret.

Hoping to keep you on the back burner in case things don’t pan out..

Why did he continue to do this?

Because you let him probably. Cut all ties with him and tell him to cease contact with you and your family.

@SmallBalloonAnimals @Cockenspiel I have wondered if it was coming from a 'smug' perspective, however, he doesn't know what's going on in my life (I am not with anyone) I don't 'do' FB and we have no mutual friends.

I don't know why, but it makes me feel a certain way. I think I look back with the proverbial rose tinted (I'm no spring chicken btw) and romanticise about what it could've been, and I do wonder how she can tolerate him whilst I couldn't, so makes me feel I'm inadequate. Yes, these constant 'interruptions' trigger my insecurities somewhat. I've thought about writing to him, saying to stop, but that, in itself, would probably make him think he is important!

I'll just ignore. I just wanted some sort of clarity on what his MO might be.

@Mum4Fergus I didn't 'let him' I ignore/don't acknowledge almost everything he does, so I'm certainly not encouraging him. But maybe you're right, it could look like I'm 'allowing' him, thought that wouldn't be my own perspective.

Since the break up have you made any response to these cards etc at all. Be honest. Anything at all?

I think going down the road of comparing why his current partner ‘tolerates’ him and you ‘couldn’t’ is a slippery slope into negging yourself! Who cares why she does and you didn’t..! He isn’t a prize to win so stop imagining yourself as part of this at all, take off the glasses and block his number / access to you. Big reminder - he obviously didn’t provide what you needed enough to want to commit and you ended it. He shouldn’t be taking up this much space in your thoughts years on.

He’s trying to stay in your thoughts by sending cards and whatnot - stop allowing it as it’s doing your self-esteem no favours.

I personally blocked an ex on social media - not because I wanted him anymore at all, but because every time I saw his updates it simply triggered me to ‘think’ of him and it was affecting me a bit negatively. Blocked - now I rarely think of him.

I don't know why, but it makes me feel a certain way. I think I look back with the proverbial rose tinted (I'm no spring chicken btw) and romanticise about what it could've been, and I do wonder how she can tolerate him whilst I couldn't, so makes me feel I'm inadequate. Yes, these constant 'interruptions' trigger my insecurities somewhat

And THAT is why he does it.

If you've genuonely ignored until now and it's continued, I'd be inclined to return to sender or respond with, "Please stop sending x,y,,. I had hoped that, if I just ignored it, you would stop. You haven't, so now I'm asking you to stop."

Nothing about how it makes you feel. Just direction.

You don't need clarity on what 'his' MO might be, you need clarity as to 'your' MO is around this. Don't read anything into this, he isn't in your life, he doesn't add any value to your life to you need to block. Not sure what you are trying to ask on MN. If you hope that someone will come back and say that he is doing it because he is secretly in love with you and regrets everything and is desperate to go back to you then you will be hurt. Block and move on.

and I do wonder how she can tolerate him whilst I couldn't, so makes me feel I'm inadequate

What makes you think she does? She's probably as miserable as you were when you were with him. At least you had the courage to leave.

Thank you all for your responses, I have given them much thought.

I shall continue to ignore his communications, I deleted his number some time ago, I doubt he would get in touch via text again.

@litterbird he does not need to be regretful, I finished the relationship even though he pursued me relentlessly. I do not wish to be told he is desperately in love with me either, I had his love, I didn't want it. You're right, I don't NEED to know his MO, and you're right again, I should be getting on with my own MO.

@Whydothedo I don't actually care if she does/doesn't tolerate him really, it's all about me, and what I have to process myself.

It's done..finished. Chapter closed.