Handhold please - bully ex

[sophmum31]

Hi All,

My life is such a mess and I know there is going to be a horrible situation today, I’ve barely slept and feel sick.

My stbex separated in June. He moved out and since then it has been one long nightmare, I have posted about it before. He is struggling massively as a controlling person with the fact he cannot control me anymore. One big issue we have had is the fact he has been using the cctv on the house to watch the comings and going’s and use this against me (wrong to order a takeaway, that I brought a new duvet, a friend popped in for 10 minutes with someone he didn’t know, my dad was driving up the street - he has forbidden my dad from coming to the house).

Monday of this week he came to speak to our daughter who is struggling to go to school because of anxiety (getting worse due to this situation but he won’t have that). He ended up on a 2.5 hour rant because my dad popped in to help move a sofa after ex had cleared out almost all of the living room furniture. He tried to take my car keys, work laptop and started removing the tv from the wall. He followed me to other rooms and blocked the door with his foot so I couldn’t close it. All in front of our fragile DD (14).

This ongoing situation and the constant pressure means I have been signed off work and I’ve got really robust mental health usually.

Anyway, on to today. He’s moved into a new house about 45 minutes away and wants to take our DS (10) there overnight tonight. I have agreed on the basis I get the address and have asked for the address for 2 weeks. He says why should he have to give his address when I won’t have the cctv cameras on. Also that my behaviour is paranoid and unreasonable. I’ve told him he can’t take DS unless he tells me. My mom is going to come and be here when he comes in case he kicks off again. Every tiny little thing has to be a fight and it is exhausting.

I guess there is no court order for contact?

If he still owns the house I would apply for an occupation order and non mol too?

He could lie and give you a fake address anyway. So you either go through the courts or play it completely chilled like "yeah whatever"

Do you think he would harm or withhold him?

Have you involved the police at all?

I'm reading this and I'm afraid for you and your dc. He sounds apt to do anything.

It's good you have family support, but I think you need to involve the authorities at this point and potentially speak to a lawyer about getting a non molestation order. Get advice from women's aid, local domestic abuse services about how best to handle this situation. He is being abusive and coercively controlling.

Does your ds actually want to go overnight to his dad's? If not, I would wait until something is formally agreed.

@RandomMess there is no court order. I actually want him to see our son but feel safer if I know where he is. Seems so simple just to send the address over. Yes my solicitor has advised I go for non mol and an occupation order. I've been continuously putting it off even though my family are desperate for me to do something to stop it. Looks like I'm going to be forced to do it.

I do think get the orders in place will be a big step towards improving things for you. You are very scared, he is a bully, stand up to the bully

Time to listen to your solicitor. What's worrying you about going ahead?

Honestly it's so not-OK for him to be behaving like this, and he is harming your dd's mh when he's doing this.

If he kicks off, call the police. Don’t let him do this. Keep strong.

I guess I constantly live in hope that he will stop and I won't have to put the children through such a situation. I think I know now that he won't and it's always going to be about his needs and anger over anyone else's. I don't feel I have any other option now really, I can't live like this. It's our wedding anniversary today too!

I think he's used up his chances, don't you? He gives no shits. He came over because your dd is too anxious for school and ended up ranting for 2hrs. He gives no shits about anyone.

Sorry this is happening to you and your kids.

All this stuff about the cameras is really quite extreme. Ì guess you must have put up with a lot during the relationship.

The fact that he is still so controlling after the split is really worrying. Please listen to your solicitor and consider getting support from the likes of women's aid etc. The fact that he still feels that you are his property and seeks to control what you do is concerning for your safety.

You need to get yourself into counselling so you understand why you think it's ok to let him treat you like that. And also, you need to give your head a wobble because you're teaching your children that this behaviour is ok. Why do you think it's ok for your children to be subjected to witnessing that kind of behaviour? You are their protector in this world, get your non-mol, get some counselling, get a better life for you and your kids.

Well it didn't go well! Thank you for your comments everyone. I was so concerned about the situation I spoke to 101 and asked for some advice. They said to ensure I had proof of his address. I told him as much and he hit the roof. He had called the police countless times and threatened it many more but finding out ive asked for this advice and he's lost it. He decided not to come and pick his son up and apparently it's all my fault because I'm paranoid and unreasonable. Our son was practically sat at the window watching out for him.