Ex Threatening Me

[Hawtain86]

I have been separated from my sons dad for over 5 years. I’ve always tried to keep it civil for the sake of my son. Going along with the days/dates he wanted him meeting him halfway because he lives two hours away. He’s decided on the maintenance payments I let him have it his way just to keep the peace.

Recently though he’s found out I’ve started seeing someone and that has aggravated him.

He’s just left my house after picking up his son and said I should be thanking him for him coming down (I couldn’t meet him halfway because I had a flat tyre) I said I do it as a favour to help him out but I’m not obligated to and then he started shouting at me saying I should be doing it it’s compulsory if you have a child together. Which I’m not sure it is we have agreed everything between us nothing through courts. I also asked him what was happening for Xmas because he’s been ignoring the question for so long, maybe he wants to try and make sure I can’t make any plans, I said he needs to stop being awkward and let me know by this weekend he started squaring up to me shouting and swearing in front of our son called me a c**t. I told him to leave and that he wasn’t welcome anymore to the house. My son was already in the car and he left.

I hate the way he behaves in front of our 10 year old I worry what it’s doing to him I don’t want him thinking that’s how you treat someone. He slags me off to him regularly tells my son that it’s because of me that he doesn’t get to see his dad as much. He’s very bitter.

What’s worrying lately is my son told me that he showed him an axe and says that’s what I’ll use on your mums boyfriend and started laughing. He’s made threats via texts to me like ‘watch what happens’, ‘I’ve got nothing to lose’, ‘keep that p*k away from my son’, ‘I’ll put him 6 feet under I promise’, ‘I’m ready to get nasty’, ‘I’ll wreck your life’, ‘F**k you’, ‘keep him away or it won’t end well’.

I’ve had to block him and I’ve told him that he can pick up drop off at my mums from now on. He told me if I don’t meet him halfway he’s putting my maintenance down by 30 a week . I really don’t know what to do I can’t afford that. I don’t know how stable he is and although he’s never ever hurt me or my son I don’t know if he’s in the right frame of mind. My son loves going to his dads and he’d be so upset if he didn’t get to see him.

I really don’t know where to go from there. Some of my friends suggested a restraining order or police but realistically is that going to help the situation or make it worse? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Unblock, screenshot the messages, contact the police.

And CMS

You need to speak to the police.

As above, go to the police and show them the messages and tell them you don't feel safe. Get legal advice and formalise visitation via the courts - mediation should not be a requirement due to the threats you have received. I would if possible get a restraining order as this will also be factored in when contact is arranged so an intermediary can be nominated as a collect and drop off point such as your mum as you have suggested. Go through CMS for maintenance.

Why not just go through cms? Then you won’t have to deal with him stopping maintenance etc, is this the first time you’ve dated in 5 years? Just wondering why he is acting like this when you’ve been broken up 5 years, that’s a long time.

Definitely go to the police. Your ex sounds quite unstable and you should seriously consider the safety of your son. I know you said he loves his dad, but I would have a think about supervised contact for a while until he can sort himself out. Go through CMS for maintenance also. Your ex should rightfully be paying for his child - not using it as a threat to hold over you. You have done more than enough to help him by meeting him halfway for years, which you really didn't have to.

@Givemeabreak88

Why not just go through cms? Then you won’t have to deal with him stopping maintenance etc, is this the first time you’ve dated in 5 years? Just wondering why he is acting like this when you’ve been broken up 5 years, that’s a long time.

It's not the first time I've dated but it's the first time he found out. I think he feels threatened because the guy earns quite a lot more money than him. He's worried this guy is going to 'buy his son' as he keeps saying.

Do you have a court ordered visitation with him?

As PP said, contact the police and CMS.
Don't put up with his threats.

@RantyAnty

Do you have a court ordered visitation with him?

As PP said, contact the police and CMS.
Don't put up with his threats.

No everything has always been agreed between us. He says CMS take travel into account so if I went to them I’d get a lot less. At this point I’m not sure I care. I don’t really want to meet him on my own even if it means I’m broke. Plus I’ve got a really old car that breaks down regularly and isn’t reliable.

That's understandable. How far away does he live? Have you used the calculator on the CMS site?

Sorry, I just read he lives 2 hours away.

He says CMS take travel into account so if I went to them I’d get a lot less.

Yes they take travel costing £10+ into account.

So they'd deduct this from his net pay before you'd get your 15%. So yes you'd receive less, but also not be making any journeys yourself. However, really the precedent has been set that you make half the journeys, so bear in mind that if he went to court this would most likely be reestablished so you'd be down on his travel costs and paying yours.

However, atm you have no idea of his current true income, so he may have been underpaying for years. And slightly concerned that you actually will be going to the cms so threatening/making you aware of the travelelement because he knows this... Either way, tbh, unless he was making this trip weekly, given they use the advisory hmrc rates, it would be between 9 and 17p a mile. So to illustrate:
His take home pay hypothetically is £1500a month net
Say he lives 100 miles away so a round trip of 200.miles once a month.=200×17p=£34 (I can't rember if he has to absorb the first £10 cost or not.)
So 1500-34=1466
15%=219.90

Without travel =£225

So the real loss of 1 trip would be £5.10

Does that make sense?

Sorry, to continue...
Given he's holding you over a barrel, regarding the maintenance and travel costs, I'd be going via the cms as even if was a weekly cost he was sustaining, you'd win more by not travelling yourself.

The threats I would log with non emergency number. Not because I'd expect him to escalate, but because if it did you've already established this. They will decide if enough to action now. And really that's the best way, at this point.
I'd continue with drop offs at your mums, but bear in mind that this puts your mum at risk, so possibly in front of tesco doors for example which has cctv would be preferable...

There's a calculator in the cms site, see what it says then make a judgement

With travel as well they will often take into account who moved. So if he moved that distance they won't necessarily deduct travel costs. If you moved then they would. Similar in court, they will often take into account which party moved away and they would generally be liable for travelling or meeting halfway. Again depends on full circumstances.

Definitely log everything with the police and I would suggest given the threats, attempts at parental alienation etc seeking legal advice about safe contact with your DS. You don't really mention if he enjoys time with his dad, his safety etc.

He showed his son an axe and threatened to murder someone? This is really serious and along the lines of radicalising, as in normalising violence and hatred against women/you. Imagine how terrified your son was. Your son is terrified of his father. That is in no way a healthy loving relationship he will miss. Protect your son and yourself. Stop contact and go to the police for a non molestation order and help with safe contact at a contact centre where he can't show your son weapons and threaten to murder people

My ex was successfully prosecuted for this sort of behaviour op. I'd be contacting the police.

Call the police.

Manipulation and bullying is why parents use a court.
Screen shot and save to email all those texts.
Some parents do not have text contact because it is easily abused and invasive.
Your quite within your rights to put a stop to this contact and behaviour you know you are doing the right thing having a drop off to your mum.
He can say and do whatever he thinks
Your child and you need protection from this unstable lunatic
Go to court
Apply for your child support through the correct avenue and cut direct contact even for now.

Get someone else to do hand overs or drop offs collections.
Call a lawyer because your getting on with your life not withholding it to be treated like you were.
the abuse, financial abuse is not something you have to tolerate.
Call the police and a lawyer this week
This is not ok to continue as you are.
You have only your son and yourself to keep happy!