Stop me spoiling things for myself!

[figgyitypudding]

My relationship has been bad for a long time now and I'm just waiting out the pandemic and Christmas/New Year to end things without causing more hurt than is needed.

His birthday is only a few days after Christmas, and he usually asks for something electronic and big-ticket. This time, he wanted a PS5, so that's what I got him.

He earns less than me, (though I pay almost all of the household expenses by myself) so I don't expect him to spend the same amount of money on me.

However, when we were talking about ideas for presents to suggest to our parents for what they could get us, he just kind of shrugged and said 'You don't need anything anyway, so why give them a list?' I gave him a bit of a look and he got defensive and said 'What, you don't want anything!' and then walked away.

I'll admit that I'm not very good at giving ideas for presents- I just ask for things like candles and socks because I genuinely love them, and they don't cost other people too much money. He seems to have taken the stance that because I haven't given him a list of demands, then he's just not going to bother.

Part of me just thinks there's no point in asking him/expecting a present from him, especially as I'm unhappy in the relationship anyway. But am I then cutting my nose off to spite my face, and will be hurt if he actually doesn't get me anything?

Save yourself the ~£500 for the PlayStation and break up with him before Christmas. Why do you feel like you have to be the bigger person with lavish gifts and a gentle new year break up? He's not even bothering getting you a gift!

Plus it seems a bit disingenuous to ask both your parents for a present then break up immediately after.

I was stuck in this same dynamic with my ex of trying to be the most honorable and considerate, but it did me no favours and just dragged out the inevitable.

I'm sorry OP but I agree. Return the PS5 save yourself £500 Break up with him before Christmas and don't ever look back. Don't waste anymore of your time or money with someone who clearly does not care about you. He is fully taking advantage of you and that is wrong.

You deserve so much better

Unfortunately, he’s got the PlayStation already- he didn’t want to wait when it arrived. This conversation came afterwards, or I would probably be thinking the same!

I think the reason I’m hanging on is that we will be home just the two of us for Christmas. If we break up before, neither can go and live somewhere else. He can’t pay for our home on his own and I can’t afford to pay these bills and rent somewhere else too.

Well he sounds delightful. I agree with the others. Break up now. Surely a Christmas alone can’t be worse than spending a miserable, resentful day with a thoughtless, freeloading man-child.

He will just have to grow up and sort himself out somewhere else to live. That is not your problem. You will have a much happier Christmas without him dragging you down I suspect.

Oh already got the PS5 has he? Saw you coming!

Take it, sell it, don't look back on this awful partner. And leave.

How certain are you that you want to end this? I get the sense you’re postponing for more than just logistical reasons, especially if you’ve bought him an expensive gift for Christmas. Seems like you are still investing in the relationship. Is it the fear of what comes after the break up? Is it guilt?
Asking for an expensive gift that he can’t match (financially or through effort) and then wanting it before Christmas suggests that there is a mother/son dynamic going on in the relationship. I can understand you not wanting to stay in that situation. It’s not healthy.

I can’t remember the phrase.. sunken costs? It’s 15 years of my life so it feels like a lot to throw away. There’s also a lot of guilt because he’s perfectly content with the way things are while I’m the one who’s unhappy and unfulfilled and lonely.

He’s not an awful man, he doesn’t abuse me or hurt me and I’m not scared of him. In that respect, I think I should feel more grateful when I compare my situation to other posters on here. But I do still care and don’t want to make things harder than they need to be for him. I think I’m too soft and unwittingly this man has become my dependent child.

I can’t remember the phrase.. sunken costs?

The full phrase is "sunken costs fallacy", and the last word is important. Aka "throwing good money after bad". It's never too late to cut your losses and investing 15 years only for it to come up a turd is only more reason not to make it 16, 17, 25...

Mean with money, mean with love. That doesn't mean he has to shower you with expensive stuff he can't afford, but asking for £500 gifts while making it clear he has no interest in spending anything at all on you is not love and no way should you feel guilty over it. Of course he's happy with that arrangement!

You’re right, Princess. I’m not expecting hundreds of pounds being spent on me, and the thought makes me uncomfortable anyway. I’m the kind of person who debates over buying a bath bomb for myself 😂

I guess the lack of any kind of thought or effort is what hurts the most.

What's going on is that you put others needs before your own. For some reason.
Therefore you have no real idea of your own needs because your mind is always with the other person, working out how to please them.
But resentment creeps in because you don't ask so you don't get. Then you see others getting more and feel upset.
So try to notice your own part in this, that you struggle with identifying and expressing your needs.
Others aren't reading your mind, so they take you at your word when you say 'oh don't worry about me'.
You are equal to others, but you don't feel equal and maybe fussing over others keeps you from feeling your own feelings.
A lot of us have been that woman.

“ I can’t remember the phrase.. sunken costs? It’s 15 years of my life so it feels like a lot to throw away. There’s also a lot of guilt because he’s perfectly content with the way things are while I’m the one who’s unhappy and unfulfilled and lonely.”

Sounds like you’re thinking all about him and how he’d feel, which is very caring of you, but also might be a way to justify staying together, because it’s scary to separate. Have you talked to him about how unhappy you are and why at all? He might be content, but you’re not and if he’s a worthy partner, he wouldn’t want you feeling that way and would taken action once he knows.

Thinking of the gift issue, I’d say what you want from him is to be considerate and want to spoil you, to show his affection, which would be worth more to you than 100 PS5s. But if he’s unaware of the problems, he can’t address the changes. You could tell him you feel a bit hurt that he doesn’t think you need anything and it seems like he’s therefore not putting much thought into a gift for you. You could give him some ideas that are less about financial investment and more about him investing his time or effort (e.g. planning a romantic evening in or out, including arranging the place, date, time, transport, he pays etc). Then you can gauge when his level of interest is, in being in a mutually loving relationship.

OP, "He’s not an awful man, he doesn’t abuse me or hurt me and I’m not scared of him" is a VERY low bar. Relationships aren't just about the absence of harm, they're about meeting both people's needs. Your partner isn't meeting your needs, so why are YOU the one feeling guilty?

Half the fun is finding something wonderful for the person you love, that doesn't cost a fortune. The 'cost' is in terms of time and effort. Not for everyone, some people care about expensive stuff and hopefully they are well suited.

However, the gift situation is a red herring. You seem to be feeling taken for granted and from what you are saying the relationship isn't good. Sadly people fall out of love. It's horrible and it hurts, but that's a fact and you don't need evidence of awful behaviour to call it quits, perhaps it has just run its course.

If you are still holding on for whatever reason, then you should have a frank and honest conversation. Be kind and calm and explain how you are feeling, but don't focus on the gift. A present won't fix it!

@figgyitypudding

Unfortunately, he’s got the PlayStation already- he didn’t want to wait when it arrived. This conversation came afterwards, or I would probably be thinking the same!

I think the reason I’m hanging on is that we will be home just the two of us for Christmas. If we break up before, neither can go and live somewhere else. He can’t pay for our home on his own and I can’t afford to pay these bills and rent somewhere else too.

FFS OP, grow a backbone and kick him out! Why would you even be considering moving out and paying for somewhere else to live? Where he goes is not your responsibility.

Don’t feel guilty OP. He is not able to meet your needs. It may ok to want more out of a relationship than what you are getting now.

@Grimsknee

OP, "He’s not an awful man, he doesn’t abuse me or hurt me and I’m not scared of him" is a VERY low bar. Relationships aren't just about the absence of harm, they're about meeting both people's needs. Your partner isn't meeting your needs, so why are YOU the one feeling guilty?

This!

When I read that he couldn’t wait for the PS5 I instantly thought of a teenager!

Thank you for the replies, everyone. We've had conversations about me feeling the pressure as the main earner, cook and bottle washer. For two years, he didn't pay any money towards the mortgage or bills because he said he wasn't bringing in enough money. I don't know why I let it go on for so long... but eventually I snapped, so now he pays half the mortgage, but I have to nag each month because he refuses to set up DD.

There's usually a token effort for a few days after I've told him again that he needs to do more to help, be more present, but it just goes back to 'normal' after that time.

He just doesn't have those societal cues- he never asks about my day, doesn't return questions when asked by others (the Tesco man asked how he was yesterday, and he just said 'fine' then stood in awkward silence, but he didn't notice the awkwardness).

He's 51, but seems more like a teenager now than when we first met.

Those of you saying just to kick him out, I don't understand how that works when we own the house together.

"Those of you saying just to kick him out, I don't understand how that works when we own the house together."
If kicking him out is actually what you want, you could initiate divorce proceedings. People who jointly own property together get divorced every day - there are legal mechanisims.
If it's not really what you want, but you would like to see concrete and lasting improvement in his behaviour, why not make some demands, and not allow him to "refuse" things like setting up a direct debit? Have a real conversation about money. e.g. "I want things to change, here are some specifics. Set up a DD so I don't have to chase you for your share of our mortgage." Talk about consequences, and then you have to follow through. "If you haven't set up a Direct Debit by x date, I'll be getting legal advice about divorcing you". Then do it!
You do have to follow through - you have to show that you're holding your boundaries.