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Original poster

DP sleeping over

27 replies

Rainydayss · 11/12/2020 20:09

Any anyone had experience or know how to deal with DP sleeping over when DC aren't used to it?
To put into context, I've been divorced 2 years, one DS who has the habit of getting into my bed during the night.
I'd like for my DP to start to stay over, maybe once a week. My DS is only used to me being at home,even when I was married my ex worked away a lot. DS has met DP a few times but I'm scared of taking the next step.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 11/12/2020 20:10

How long have you and your dp been together?

Could he stay when your ds is at his dad's?

SmallBalloonAnimals · 12/12/2020 02:54

Honestly?

My 'children'are 14 and 22. Both still at home.

I've been on my own with them for about 9 years. I've never allowed a man to stay overnight in their home.

If you must do it, i think it should.only happen when they know your partner and are comfortable with seeing him around and your partner has demonstrated that he is someone who deserves that kind of access to your private family life. It certainly shouldn't he happening when your son is still getting into your bed in the night.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to go to your mum and find a big, sleeping man there? Or for him.to feel like he couldnt get into bed with you anymore?

Just having met him a few times isnt enough.

SmallBalloonAnimals · 12/12/2020 02:55

Also, your fear of taking that next step is your instincts telling you that it's not right yet.

It's your son who is the most important person in this decision.

willsa · 12/12/2020 03:02

OP how old is your son?

willsa · 12/12/2020 03:04

"It's your son who is the most important person in this decision"

Not when it comes to sharing mothers bed!!

sofato5miles · 12/12/2020 03:12

Err. Adult children anf still not havind your boyfriend over? That is fairly extreme.

I am similar to you OP, my two youngest pop into my bed and i haven't yet had a man over in two years for various reasons.

However, we talk ( they bring it up) about boyfriends etc. If i introduce a man: first as friends and then a boyf and then him staying. Door locked. A time frame of a few months so it looks like an organic progression.

My girlfriend, a widow, did this and kids do expect adult relationships. They understand the nature of it. In her case it has worked out brilliantly, which i am very happy about for her and her kids.

SmallBalloonAnimals · 12/12/2020 03:15

Err. Adult children anf still not havind your boyfriend over? That is fairly extreme.

Maybe.

But I didn't want them to grow up being introduced to a number of different boyfriends and having to get used to them stopping over 🤷🏻‍♀️

Monty27 · 12/12/2020 04:08

@SmallBalloonAnimals

Err. Adult children anf still not havind your boyfriend over? That is fairly extreme.

Maybe.

But I didn't want them to grow up being introduced to a number of different boyfriends and having to get used to them stopping over 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well you didn't meet someone good enough for them to be happy about staying over. OP feels comfortable or not. Do you ask your DC's permission about everything?
SmallBalloonAnimals · 12/12/2020 04:15

I don't ask their permission about anything.

It was a decision I made because I thought it was the right one to make.

Well you didn't meet someone good enough for them to be happy about staying over.

How do you know? I just made the decision I wouldnt have a man stopping over, that's all. And I haven't.

I don't see anything wrong with the OP having a partner to stay over but I think she should allow her son to get to know him properly first rather just having met a few times so he doesn't feel like a stranger and it doesn't feel uncomfortable or scary for her son.

No need to be so defensive!

Original poster
Rainydayss · 12/12/2020 07:11

Thank you for the opinions. DS is10, it's a battle anyhow to keep him in his own bed which is another challenge I need to sort first.
I've made a rod for my own back as I've not chased him out before as I've been single or ExDH worked away so it never an issue.
I've pandered to DS in many ways over the years especially with regards to sleeping. Yes he is the main priority, yet I also feel I'm entitled to some happiness and be in a loving relationship (which he never witnessed with my ex/his dad). I'm in no rush to push the issue, however keen to know how others have dealt with it

OP posts:
category12 · 12/12/2020 07:31

You haven't got long left that your ds will still want to get into bed with you. My advice is enjoy it while it lasts, don't rush to put a stop to it, especially for the sake of some bloke. You don't get these times back.

midnightstar66 · 12/12/2020 07:39

I think it's fine to have a serious, looking like long term, partner staying over but I think your ds needs to be on more familiar terms with him than just a few meets. Get him hanging out at yours more so it's a natural progression. Some day trips together followed by a movie at home etc. It might happen that ds asks him to stay.

movingonup20 · 12/12/2020 07:49

My DD's are young adults and I just was upfront from the start (eg showed his picture on his profile before I went to meet him - had spoken to him for about a month first) l. So I just told the one that was at home that he was coming fit the weekend after I had met him a couple of times out, lived a decent distance away. Didn't make a song and dance about it.

Well we live together now and she's chosen to stay with me for the Christmas holidays (arts course so long this year) rather than her dad who bought me out of the old house. Whilst with younger kids you need to be a bit slower to ensure that the person you are seeing is right for you, I would also so kids are pretty adaptable and as long as he is willing to sit on the floor and play Lego, or play Xbox or whatever they are generally far less concerned than we think. The coming in your room can be dealt with by ensuring your partner brings his pjs just in case

Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 07:52

I think the habit of your son getting into your bed at night needs to be broken first.

Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 07:53

Obviously your son wouldn’t be able to do it if your bf stayed over. How would he respond to that in the middle of the night?

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/12/2020 07:55

I'm a single parent and wouldn't dream of pushing my son out of my bed so that a man could sleep in it. Been single for years and for me that is the right choice.

Isthisnothing · 12/12/2020 08:10

The op is in a promising relationship and at some stage would like to progress to sleepovers. She has looked for advice on how to manage this not on opinions on whether it should ever happen.

I can't believe women here are staying single for the sake of their sons. Imagine being those sons future girlfriends? Good luck!

Anyway back to the op. I think lots more interaction first will help. When my friend was in your situation they knew her boyfriend very much as a family friend then when they went on holiday he was there too. They stayed in a hotel which was exciting and different so it was just one more change that he was staying in mum's bed. Then he came and stayed at home sometimes and then regularly.

Maybe the hotel step isn't necessary but the most important thing is to progress there slowly.

Amimissingsomethinghere · 12/12/2020 08:11

@Plastichearts

I think the habit of your son getting into your bed at night needs to be broken first.
Completely agree with this. Your want for your partner to stay over is not more important than your child( and the confusion/emotions they may feel finding a man in your bed)
Clymene · 12/12/2020 08:49

You haven't said how long you've known him. I wouldn't have a man staying overnight in my house with my young children unless I knew him really really well.

And maybe your son comes to your bed in the night for comfort? There's nothing wrong with wanting comfort.

I always find it odd that adults consider their need for the comfort of sleeping next to another person important but that children shouldn't have that same need or, if they do, it should be ignored/stamped out.

midnightstar66 · 12/12/2020 08:56

I'm a single parent and wouldn't dream of pushing my son out of my bed so that a man could sleep in it. Been single for years and for me that is the right choice.

Right choice for you, that's fine. OP has different wishes. (And I have been single for 7 years now and never introduced a man to my dc)

Coffeeeeandcake · 12/12/2020 09:04

Mine slept on the sofa when he stayed for a while, then that progressed. Worked for us Flowers

OfTheNight · 12/12/2020 09:09

Can you hang on until a bit later? How well does DS know DP?

SimonJT · 12/12/2020 09:20

My son gets in bed with me, when my partner started staying over when my son came in to get in bed either I would get out and I would sleep with my son in his bed, or my partner would get out and finish his sleep on the sofa. I always made sure to leave a duvet and pillow ready by the sofa.

My son was used to me having friends staying over, so once he knew my partner well enough for him to start spending the night it followed the usual set up he would experience if a friend stayed the night.

Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 09:22

Well the son is 10, not a toddler so surely it’s time for him to stop sleeping with his mum.

AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 09:28

I always find it odd that adults consider their need for the comfort of sleeping next to another person important but that children shouldn't have that same need or, if they do, it should be ignored/stamped out. The need for a child to sleep next to a parent is entirely different from the need for an adult to want to sleep with another adult. There is literally no comparison there..

For an adult sleeping with another adult doesn’t just suggest comfort, although having not shared my bed since march due to COVID I have found much comfort in having my bed to myself 😂

At ten I would be weaning him off of wanting to sleep in your bed anyway

When my DP stayed over he firstly stayed in the spare room and gradually as DS realised we were together he stayed in with me. It was never an issue...

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