Having high self-esteem in relationships

[Wigisfashion83]

I think the problem is my history. Like a lot of people sadly i've been cheated on, also dumped for someone else a couple of times, and an 'overlap' where someone I thought I was seeing had started seeing somebody else.

The ex who cheated was also emotionally and physically abusive, and sexually assaulted me.

I have done a few therapy sessions but I know it isn't a miracle worker.
Also found myself in a manipulative/toxic situation (largely my fault)

Anyway all those are past now, 2020 was a fresh start for healthy relationships only. The problem is I still carry some trauma from it and occasionally feel bitter.

I'm quite a quiet introverted girl, quite sensible and not into drinking or anything. I think i'm great as I am, though in the past I was dumped for these very loud and out there girls. I was told they were more 'exciting' and 'challenging'.

I know this is rubbish, I do think that it's an extrovert's world sadly but I know there are still men who will love me for how I am and that I have a lot to offer.

I've had a boyfriend for 6 months and i'm lucky that he hasn't given me reason to mistrust. I do feel insecure/anxious sometimes though. He is in a particular industry and I have this slight fear of him meeting somebody who's also in the industry who he has loads in common with.

I know that's irrational but I think my past is haunting me.

He might meet somebody very intellectual and 'alternative' which seems to be his type, very confident and exciting.
I know this is my issue and I wouldn't say this to him. I'm enough as I am, I think my past is just affecting me.

If he did do that it would be his loss really.
How do I maintain high self esteem in a relationship and just relax ?

I think we are all prone to slight moments of insecurity but I just want to feel confident.
I have my own hobbies and I know that it's not a relationship that is my only source of happiness.

I have a lot to offer in that I am kind, funny, sensitive, attentive and caring. I think I am interesting too and I know he has chosen me for these reasons.

I don’t know because I suffer from the same. Reading your replies with interest

I guess all we can do is be ourselves, be kind to ourselves and to them and give the benefit of the doubt. If they cheat or leave for somebody else, their problem. If we were ourselves and treated them well, and trusted, it's nothing we did, they just weren't good people or good enough for us.

I decided that 2020 was the year that I wasn't going to date. It's been the easiest year to achieve this! I kind of came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to meet anyone lovely and had this sorted in my head. I have been out for coffee with people, so not fully off dates. I'd previously had "this could be the one" thoughts in my head whenever I met someone, but now Im more likely to think that this is just company rather than getting too excited by meeting.

I didn't know introverts wanted to be with anyone else. Seems a bit too social.

I pressed send too quickly!
Anyway, one of these coffee friends has turned out to be something a bit more than coffee. But it was nice getting to know him first without the pressure and he did all the running. It's early days, but Im really enjoying his company, he makes me laugh and he never put pressure on me to be more than just friends, which was lovely. I couldn't cope with the highs and lows of dating as this made me so stressed. But taking time out did make me have a good long think about myself and what I wanted and who I was. Now Im more of a you either like me or dont kind of person.

He 'might' meet anybody - but if he's a decent bloke that won't mean that he'll run off the moment he meets someone he could be attracted to. I am often amazed that my husband chose me, but he did, and I chose him, and I choose to enjoy my good fortune rather than worry that I'm not good enough. It's worked for the last 9 years

Introverts aren’t loners, Flatscreen, they just need time and space to decompress after spending time in company. Many introverts are very sociable.

OP you sound lovely! It's completely normal that you're more wary due to your past, it's an intrinsic part of having an intelligent human/animal nature and is how we protect ourselves- through learning from past experiences. Just simply accept that you feel that way and hang on to the fact that nothing has given you reason to mistrust him yet.

It seems like you've been going for the wrong type of men if they're dumping you for "loud, out there" girls. The reason why a lot of those girls are loud and out there in the first place is often to mask their own insecurities. I'm an introvert myself but have a relative who is naturally VERY extroverted, loud, funny etc. Because we're close, I'm one of the very few people she's opened up to about her insecurities and it's amazing how much these types hide behind their personalities.

I think it's just a case of finding the right guy who's worthy of you and your time as there are many men out there who are attracted to superficial loudness, rather than deeper relationships. The great thing is that the types of guys who would be attracted to your personality type and stay with you long term, tend to be those who are more loyal and have a deeper connection with their partners, and are not just looking for superficial things

I would suggest going to more "introvert" activities you're interested in as you're more likely to find guys on the same wavelength as you (if it doesn't work out with your current bf for whatever reason).